[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Re: Hi!

So, have you gone through your home and gotten rid of all unhealthy foods? That is a good first start. Next, it may be wise to consider a good liposuctionist (be sure this is an industrial strength vacuum so you don't have to strain as they suck out the excess). Join a gym.

By the way - it isn't enough to just join, you also have to GO IN. You need to use the various equipment. Leave the Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho's and Twinkies behind. Donate them to a homeless shelter. If you have as many as I suspect, you could have a garage sale to get rid of them. (You will have to get out of bed for this)

I believe in you, Piggles! Don't give up. Soon even God will be able to look at you without gasping.

Good advice. I have found out from others that a good chainsaw modded with little more than a hose and a bucket can suck the fat right out. An industrial strength vacuum cleaner would also work for her, too, assuming the power in her double-wide hasn't yet been shut off for non-payment.

Pastor Ed

[Mary Thompson]

Re: Hi!

What is that supposed to mean?

You sound like a lezbo. I'm trying to protect her from your pervert advances.

[Danielle Faith]

Re: Hi!

I sure hope that's the only thing you're going to "help" with

What is that supposed to mean?

[Mary Thompson]

Re: Hi!

Brother Des,
While this verse refers to a man. Pig-legs (or was it piglets?) is as far as we know, a woman.

[Des]

Re: Hi!

Proverbs 23:2 And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite.

[Mary Thompson]

Re: Hi!

I would just like to help her lose weight.

I sure hope that's the only thing you're going to "help" with

[M. Mansfield, MD]

Re: Hi!

Oh, my.

Piggles, I would like to offer you free medical care to assist in your weight loss journey. I am familiar with bariatric physicians across the country that would treat you with dignity, respect, and concern while they expertly work with you to transform your hideous, godmocking, unsightly, retch-inducing body into one that will leap in praise to God when you've reached normalcy.

As Churchill said, it will be hard! But as a doctor, I am here to tell you you are not alone in your quest and you can find yourself once more to be worthy of the gaze of Jesus, who currently probably gags at the thought of you.

In Christian love,
Doc

[Freddy Osborne]

Re: Hi!

I will lose my weight the only true way I know how, with the help of our LORD and SAVIOR! I don't want him to GASP when he looks at me as a previous poster suggested.PRAISE!

Amen! Reject your bovinity and embrace His Divinity!

Remember John 6:35 when the devil tempts you with those lard glazed pork rinds...

"And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst."

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: Hi!

Father Mo, what are you saying? You sound as though you're having withdrawal symptoms from small boys. Piggles, please ignore this Mary-worshipping child molesting papist priest. I don't know what he's doing here anyway. Piggles, pray hard and you will find yourself nestled in the bosom of Jesus Christ.

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: Hi!

Dear Piggles,

It is clear you need serious professional help both of the medical and phycological variety. You must start with a visit to the doctor's and make sure you get one of those medical bracelets with your critical information on it. (I gather your blood-type is Ragu?)

While losing twenty or thirty pounds would be enough for you to fit in with this crowd, you will end up, like them, dying too young and well before you truly find Christ and his endless love for you.

Normally I would advise you and your husband to seek out a Catholic Church but in this case I think the first step (that's when you walk btw) would be to hop into hubby's front-end loader, head over to a Mormon Temple and offer yourself as a plural-wife bride to President Thomas Monson.

The Mormons will be all over you like... well... you over a jelly donut. Should you 'accidentally' smother Monson on your wedding night I am sure God will find a way to get you slim enough that restaurants will start bringing you a menu instead of an estimate. At that point we will, as we like to say, be in touch.



Bless you, my corpulent crusader for Christ,
Father Mo



.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: Hi!

LIPOSUCTION would be a lie. I would know it, my doctor would know it, but the public would not know it. I could live the rest of my life feeding them a lie and they would surely believe it. How would they know any better? Afterall, humans are deceitful. How can we blindly trust humans? They can lie when they speak, they can lie when they, for example, write a book...

More importantly God would know it. And God hates liars. Proverbs 12:22 Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: But they that deal truly are his delight.

I will lose my weight the only true way I know how, with the help of our LORD and SAVIOR! I don't want him to GASP when he looks at me as a previous poster suggested.PRAISE!

Well spoken

[piggles]

Re: Hi!

2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:
12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.


As in many things of life, we must not be tricked into believing lies. LIPOSUCTION would be a lie. I would know it, my doctor would know it, but the public would not know it. I could live the rest of my life feeding them a lie and they would surely believe it. How would they know any better? Afterall, humans are deceitful. How can we blindly trust humans? They can lie when they speak, they can lie when they, for example, write a book...


I will lose my weight the only true way I know how, with the help of our LORD and SAVIOR! I don't want him to GASP when he looks at me as a previous poster suggested.PRAISE!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Hi!

I would just like to help her lose weight.

By encouraging her to sources other than the only one that can help her, you are helping Satan distract her from embracing and living the Good News. Is that what you want? To help Satan? Or do you want to serve the LORD?

[Danielle Faith]

Re: Hi!

I cannot in good conscience sit idly by while secular advice is offered at the offense of the Honor of My Lord and Redeemer, ! Morton, perhaps you are not yet aware of the Good News found in the New Testament because of your foolish Jewish superstitions, but the LORD promises us health and well-being for those who confess their sins and pray in sincere faith!

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
James 5:14-15

Carolyn the troll's intent has been revealed, her Damnation is upon her. Danielle is a sodomite enabler, and unless she turns her back on sin and accepts Jesus, she too is lost. Morton, I implore you to confess your sins and accept Jesus as your Lord and Master (Romans 10:9), stay far away from these fools (Leviticus 10:10), and follow the One True God!

I would just like to help her lose weight.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Hi!

Also I might suggest running or maybe a stationary bike? I lost quite a bit of weight do those. Lunges are also good. Of course I went to the gym. You might want to try that.

So, have you gone through your home and gotten rid of all unhealthy foods? That is a good first start. Next, it may be wise to consider a good liposuctionist (be sure this is an industrial strength vacuum so you don't have to strain as they suck out the excess). Join a gym.

By the way - it isn't enough to just join, you also have to GO IN. You need to use the various equipment. Leave the Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho's and Twinkies behind. Donate them to a homeless shelter. If you have as many as I suspect, you could have a garage sale to get rid of them. (You will have to get out of bed for this).

Would liposuction be a sin? I mean you are in a way defiling God's holy temple. But I agree with you and Carolyn. Join AND go into the gym. USE the equipment! Lose weight. Because it might feel bad to not be able to eat your favorite foods, but it's a lot worse being stuck in a body you AND God hate.

I cannot in good conscience sit idly by while secular advice is offered at the offense of the Honor of My Lord and Redeemer, ! Morton, perhaps you are not yet aware of the Good News found in the New Testament because of your foolish Jewish superstitions, but the LORD promises us health and well-being for those who confess their sins and pray in sincere faith!

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.
James 5:14-15

Carolyn the troll's intent has been revealed, her Damnation is upon her. Danielle is a sodomite enabler, and unless she turns her back on sin and accepts Jesus, she too is lost. Morton, I implore you to confess your sins and accept Jesus as your Lord and Master (Romans 10:9), stay far away from these fools (Leviticus 10:10), and follow the One True God!