[Jim Farmer]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

We've all been feeling the financial squeeze this year, and no doubt, so has Jesus.
But you would think that He could have delivered the last four. Maybe you haven't been tithing enough?

[Witch Hammer]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Jesus! Did you receive my prayer list this Christmas?
I humbly prayed for, and did not receive, the following:

Apache attack helicopter
5000 gallons of napalm
Misc. artillery and ammo
Hot coals heaped upon the heads of my enemies
Air taser M18 L Advanced, with laser sight
Zip ties
Duct tape
Pincers
Branding iron

If it is Your will to totally shortchange me on Your birthday, I accept your chastisement graciously. Thanks for your blessings....

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

My dear Lord, I praise You for Your mighty works. You truly are the All-Powerful God who reigns sovereign over all of Your creation. Thank you, thank you, thank you infinitely, for coming down and humbling Your divine Self to save us poor sinners, especially an wretch like me.

Humbly Your servant,
Elizabeth

[Jim Farmer]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Is that a Klansman with a dagger through his hood?

[Barabbas]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Luke 21:11
11 And great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Oh , beloved Lord, I'm so sad to have been asleep in the wrong time zone when You graced our humble forum with Your Holy Presence.

I have no questions for You, because if there is anything that You think I need to know the answer to, I know that You will tell me without even needing to be asked. This is how great You are!

I love You, .

[Ex-soccer player]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

My Lord and Savior

only one question: Can you give us any hints about the time of your second coming? I know you don't know the day or hour (Mark 13:32), but maybe the year? At least the decade? The Pastors always say that you are coming very soon, but then year by year passes away and nothing happens May I ask, how soon is "very soon"? Would it be possible for you to send a clear sign or a wonder to put the cheeky atheists in their place? I mean something obvious that even atheists have to accept?! Personally, I don't need signs and wonders (John 4:48), but all the atheists and false believers certainly do!

Praise You

[BaptistBethany]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Dear Lord Jesus, I also have a question for you. And please forgive me in advance if this question is overstepping boundaries and all.

But why did you have to die? Yes, yes, I know that your Holy Word says you died in order to make a way for sinful humans to get to Heaven. But I have always wondered about your Father (God). Since he is the most powerful, couldn't he have just waived his hand and forgiven everyone? Or couldn't he have chosen something else? I mean, instead of you dying such a horrific death?

Again, please forgive me for asking. I know I am just a woman and therefore have such a feeble little brain. Perhaps I should ask my husband and not bother you with such a question.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Dear Jesus.

I've always been very interested in the parts of your life that are hidden from us stupid, worthless, idiotic, sinning, fallen Christians: particularly you pre teen years.

I'm sure that you were hard at work being the Saviour, and all and that must have been hard work. In the desert it must have quite hot and your exertions must have caused you to work up quite a sweat.

It's a shame that you did not live now because then you could have just took off your shirt if you got too hot and sweaty. I suppose all those robes would have been difficult to get in and out of. If I had have been there I would have been on hand to help you every day!

I've often wondered about such things.

But I'm sure that when you return to set things right I'll be right by your side (what with being a True Christian™ and all) and I can't wait!

YIY

[BaptistBethany]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Bless me.

Thank you for remembering My birthday this year. I'm always afraid that I'll be forgotten.

I am a busy Savior, but as you are my favorite Church, I will allocate a short amount of time to entertain your True Christian™ questions.

If I don't post a reply, it means that your question has displeased or confused me in some way. So for MY sake, think before you post.

Dear Lord Jesus, How wonderful to hear from you and Happy Birthday! I see that I missed you by a few hours, so I'm hoping and praying that you will see my post. Thank you so much for dying for my sins, thus allowing me a way to Heaven! And thank you for allowing me to be born in the United States of America!

[Jesus]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Dear Mister Lord Jesus,

I have a question. When Jeb Bush wins the 2016 Presidential election, do You plan on advising him on policy like You did with George?

Yes, of course. Pastor Flint always acts as my spokesman to my favorite political party. Look forward to a wonderful campaign.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

#1: Being merciful is kinda my thing. But the thing is, I'm merciful with a twist. Folks who don't bother to read My Holy Word get lulled into a false idea that because I'm merciful, I'm a pushover. These liberal false Christians run around thinking that I'm some kind of a limp-wristed hippie or something.

I hope you don't mind some constructive criticism, but you are possibly confusing those poor dumb false Christians, because you wear a dress and have long hair, just like hippies. Maybe a pair of pants and a short back and sides might convince them you're deadly serious.

[Jesus]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Deat Savior,

THANK YOU.

I have two important questions.

1. Why are you so merciful? We sometimes see you smite those who deserve it, such as the tsunami 10 years ago and the Blessed Ebola this year. However, we often feel that many more homers, blasphemers and uppity heathen should be punished and slain. Jonah 4:2 "And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil." How come this excessive patience?

2. What are your plans regarding Mr. Dawkins, your no 1 enemy? He has sent countless young youths into Hell. He denies you. Your nice promise in Matthew 8:12 is a wonderful start but inadequate regarding Dawkins. Have you considered lava enemas?

Thy in Thee,

Elmer

#1: Being merciful is kinda my thing. But the thing is, I'm merciful with a twist. Folks who don't bother to read My Holy Word get lulled into a false idea that because I'm merciful, I'm a pushover. These liberal false Christians run around thinking that I'm some kind of a limp-wristed hippie or something.

The mercy thing is a ruse. I'm merciful to people who I choose to be merciful to. And even then I sometimes change things up, just for laughs. Look at Job! That whole deal was hilarious!

But don't be fooled. Hell is chock full of folks who thought I was about to heap mercy upon their asses, but then they woke up swimming in a pool of scalding hot sulfur.

#2: That Dawkins character is dying right now. I gave him ass cancer, and I'm going to string that out for a good long while, making sure that he suffers for his blasphemous books. But when the time comes for me to kill him and send him down to hellfire, I've already reserved a special treatment cell for him. Dawkins is going to be sodomized by every monkey in hell, while satan peels him like a grape.

Oh JESUS! I LOVE YOU!

I know you hear that a lot, I do, and I don't mean to nag you. I'm so sorry if I do. It's just that I adore you SO MUCH! I mean, here You are, You know my thoughts, You know the thoughts I'm going to think before I know I'm going to think them, and yet You have decided to accept me anyway as your Bride in Heaven Forever! Oh JESUS! I just Love You and Worship You and Bless You because without You I am Nothing! I am no more than the filth in the bellybutton lint of a fat sultan squatting in the desert like an Indian! Without You, I am not worth the very Air I Breathe! I owe You my LIFE! My Eternal Life! And I promise you, My Lord and Savior, that I will do ANYTHING for you! I make this vow right here, right now. I. Mary. Etheldreda. Will. Do. ANYTHING. For. You!

I

Love

You

My

Lord!


Edited to add: Mr. Etheldreda would like to know where he should go fishing to get some gold like you gave your buddies a while ago (Matthew 17:27). He wouldn't give any to Cesar, but he would share it with Pastor Zeke and the Men's International Evangelization Team.

I love you.

Mary

Dead Squaw Creek, just north of Freehold. I'll guide him to the spot. Tell him to look near the spot that he bagged those 3 witches last Halloween. He'll know the place.

GET THEE HENCE, maggot!

[Des]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence

Dear Mister Lord Jesus,

I have a question. When Jeb Bush wins the 2016 Presidential election, do You plan on advising him on policy like You did with George?

[Didymus Much]

Re: I am Here to Bless True Christians™ With My Presence