[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

Ah, just in time for Christmas.

I think every time I see an Elf on a Shelf in a store - I will set it on fire while I rebuke them IN THE NAME OF !

Elves are vile little demonic perverts!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

I am a fool! I should also have asked how much they weigh.

The last time an elf was seen in Landover was in 1803 by Mary “Blesséd” Carswell.

The elf, if elf it were, was averred to be “One score and five barleycorns in height, of a slim frame and agile disposition, such that its weight could have scare exceed five and thirty drachms.”

[Marko Loimaan-Aho]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

My eldest boy says you'd probably need to adjust the measurements, because the drop heights given with that plan don't allow for anyone under 112 pounds, So the platform would need to be higher off the ground.

He suggests you could reduce the height of the hanging frame, because elves are quite short. But the twins suggest that you could maybe compensate for that with a longer rope?

Thursday mornings we have a Practical Math lesson here, so they'll be working on the exact measurements. Does anyone know how tall an average elf is?

Elves are about 60 centimeters tall. Usually they are so fat, that hanging is no problem, there is enough weight.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

You may find some references to their size by following the links here.
Alternatively, take a trip to the Alden Valley, Lancashire which has a strong elf heritage. The locals may know.


Bear in mind though, that these gallows will be used for many other sinners, not just elves.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

Thank you, Brother Jim. We always like to work on something useful and relevant to our Holy Mission.

Does anyone know how tall an average elf is?

I am a fool! I should also have asked how much they weigh.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

That sounds like an excellent maths project for the boys. I would be most keen to see the results.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

I think at the next mens' working bee, we should construct some gallows.
I've found a design which I rather like. What do others think?

My eldest boy says you'd probably need to adjust the measurements, because the drop heights given with that plan don't allow for anyone under 112 pounds, So the platform would need to be higher off the ground.

He suggests you could reduce the height of the hanging frame, because elves are quite short. But the twins suggest that you could maybe compensate for that with a longer rope?

Thursday mornings we have a Practical Math lesson here, so they'll be working on the exact measurements. Does anyone know how tall an average elf is?

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

Is this self-service model? You just kick and the trapdoor opens? How we get the elves do that, they are pretty stupid?

I figured that the red handle was for the executioner. But I suppose if you tickled them enough, they might kick it themselves. We could even get the children involved in that

[Marko Loimaan-Aho]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

I think at the next mens' working bee, we should construct some gallows.
I've found a design which I rather like. What do others think?

Is this self-service model? You just kick and the trapdoor opens? How we get the elves do that, they are pretty stupid?

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

The only good elf...



...is a dead elf.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

It's serviceable, but a bit drab. Don't we have any ex-gays around who might be able to jazz it up a little? Maybe some color-coordinated decorations of some sort?

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

I think at the next mens' working bee, we should construct some gallows.
I've found a design which I rather like. What do others think?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

It is far from the first time that Jon Knudsen is critical of elves. Previously he strung up an elve in the gallows outside his Church to point out that the elves should be eradicated.

Can I just say it is utterly SHAMEFUL that a church in Norway has a proper gallows, yet it is impossible to find even one church in the United States with a gallows out front?


Far be it from me to disparage the Landover Baptist Church, but this sorry state of affairs is true even in Freehold.

I do not blame the church or its pastors, however.

Nay, I blame the congregation! It is the lay people, who file in and out of church every Sunday (and, of course, for additional church fellowships throughout the week), who see the front of the church, barren of a gallows, and do nothing about it.

Why?

Because they are lazy and selfish. They know their church needs a gallows, but they are afraid to speak up, lest somebody expect them to lend a hand and devote some of their free time to a good, old-fashioned afternoon gallows construction party, or --Heaven forfend-- crack open their wallet and tithe a little more so the church can afford construction materials for that gallows.


I think the Bible makes it abundantly clear that this sort of selfishness is not pleasing to the Lord.

Philippians 2:4

4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

Elves and gnomes are actually demons, trying to seduce Christians into believing this fake Christmas nonsense. They are evil spirits...

And also: 2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - Amen.

Demons shape shift in different forms, elves/gnomes/... is just one shape.
The devil is lurking on our children 's souls.

Please make a thread of your own in the "Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.

And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Elves are evil and should be eradicated

Elves and gnomes are actually demons, trying to seduce Christians into believing this fake Christmas nonsense. They are evil spirits...

And also: 2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. - Amen.

Demons shape shift in different forms, elves/gnomes/... is just one shape.
The devil is lurking on our children 's souls.

Welcome then, Doyle. What ragged verse is that you quote? It is not from God's Holy Word. I suspect it is some modern translation. We read and adhere to the King James Version here. It is the only reliable rendering of His directions.

We'd like to get to know you, if ye be Christian. Please introduce yourself properly in the introduction section. How many are your sons? What is your congregation? What maker do you prefer for the family shotgun?

God Bless!