[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

(Is Mr. Trump the anti-Christ?)

No. Bless me.

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

1. Will you please, during one of Your chats with Pastor Zeke, tell him to remember who I am?
2. Will You make my application for residency in Freehold get approved?
3. Please kill all the spiders in the world. Today. In Your Name (that means You have to do it, like You said in Your Word)
4. Can you stop my parents from being papists? I mean, I know you can, but can you?
5. Will you help us locate Sister Cookie?
6. Please give Zeke his new airplane. We know You hate Creflo Dollar.
7. Tell your Dad I said Hello.

1. You're the Horse Guy, right?
2. Can you take care of My four horses for the Apocalypse, for Death, Famine, War & Conquest. Snowball, Bramble, Lucky and Randolph produce lots of manure, and while I could just make it vanish, I really don't enjoy that. You'll take care of that, capisce?
3. I need them to punish sinners come Rapture.
4. They are the ones who'll be punished by the spiders come Rapture.
5. Yes. She's in the third floor bathroom right now.
6. Creflo's plane will appear above the Lake of Fire any Wednesday now! Eventually, it'll run out of fuel and glide towards the smoking surface with Creflo brazing for impact. The plane will float on the molten brimstone for a few minutes, and then the liquid sulphur will start oozing in through the melting fuselage.
7. OK. I'll tell Him the Horse Guy said hi.

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Why won't He buy me a Mercedes-Benz? My friends all drive Porschees, I must make amends.

Of course! Your Mercedes-Maybach S650 Cabriolet is now waiting for you on Barbecue Island, by the Bay of Brimstoe on the Lake of Fire. Very soon (on a Wednesday) you'll find yourself on the shores of that Lake, and you only have to swim across to get access to your Mercedes. Of course, in case your bones dissolve in the heat and your nerves scream in agony and you sink, you'll just have to start out again, and again, and again, and again...

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Now that it has been made clear that the vast majority of the Devil's people have been pushed back into their lairs on the northeast coast of America and the godless West Coast, I have been wondering if we can expect the final destruction of California, at least, this year or possibly early next year. I have been praying that it will finally happen and I know that many Christians have been wondering the same thing.

Just the elimination of California from the Godly United States could usher in a new era of wealth, Godliness and prosperity. People who study earthquakes say that the San Andreas fault is just about ready to give way and that the entire lower half, at least, of the West Coast will likely slide into the Pacific Ocean. Could they be right for a change? Even a stopped clock gets the time right twice a day. It seems like everyone in America is praying for the destruction of California, even the godless scientists.

The Lord has sent His servant, Donald Trump, to rescue America and push back the forces of Satan. He is already doing great work and his accomplishments will be yuge. Will it be possible to rain fiery death and destruction on the tattered remnants of the enemies of God and America?

I will not stop at that. I'll poison their seas, their drinking water, make them itchy with excema, and release the poisonous locusts on them. It's not just a simple case of brimstone falling from the sky! They will suffer for months. . On a Wednesday. Bless me!

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

I know He can't say for sure but can He give a ball park figure for when I and all True Christians™ will be sucked off naked into Heaven?

YIY

Yes, He can. It will be on a Wednesday.

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

I already know my question. Will President Elect Donald Trump fix that two term limit technicality that is preventing him from being named president for life?

Donald can't fix that but I can unless I want to take him to keep me Company on the Golf Course of Heaven By 2020. Bless me!

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Bless Me, my children!

Let us look at the World in Anno Mei 2016. It is in better shape than ever. My people are guarded by Donald, Vlad and Zeke and I have the time to make not ONE but TWO appearances this Birthday. You can take this as my first coming and, if you remain strong in worshiping me, I might go for a second coming on my birthday!



That said, I am furious with you. You of all people! The threads posted By the Demon Santa and the various gaming debates have attracted much more attention than this thread. You're debating the demons, OK, By you should spend more time worshiping ME! But I'm merciful and I shall now answer some of your questions.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Bless Me!!




Knock some more and My Bosom shall be opened for you!

If the JESUS van is rockin, you know I'll come knockin'! Hallelujah!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Bless Me!!




Knock some more and My Bosom shall be opened for you!

Lots of bling from the guy with a god complex.
The G_d of Abraham, Isaac, and Joseph is not impressed.
Folks, this impersonator is impotent and delusional.
Meshiach has not yet been revealed! Come to your senses.

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Bless Me!!




Knock some more and My Bosom shall be opened for you!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Welcome back Jesus! We LOVE you!!!




My question is, if one of my kids accidentally received the new board game Santa V. Jesus, would it be it a sin to play?

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Hello Jesus and welcome back! We all long for the day when we will be in Your Divine Presence for all eternity.

My question relates to what Luke 18:17 quotes you as saying:

Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

Did Luke quote you correctly and, if so, does this mean that we should simply ignore the hordes of adult Unsaved Trash who come here to persecute us, on the grounds that they are already damned?

Lovingly Yours in You ,
Joanna

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Just wondering... how are you an' all...

(Is Mr. Trump the anti-Christ?)

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

All praise and honor to you, my handsome, manly, buff Savior! I would like to sing a song for you and play upon my drum as I sing:


A you're adorable, B you're so beautiful, C, you're a cutie full of charm; D you're a darling and E you're exciting and F you're a feather in my arms.


G you look good to me, H you're so heavenly I you're the one I idolize, J we're like Jack and Jill, K means you're kissable, L is the lovelight in your eyes. M, N, O, P, I could go on all day. Q, R, S, T, alphabetically, you're OK!


U make my life complete, V you're so very sweet, W, X Y Z; Oh it's fun to wander through the alphabet with You, to tell You what You mean to me.


PRAISE YOURSELF, JESUS! I BOW AT YOUR FEET.


Oh, and just so you know, I became a True Christian(TM) this year, but you already know that. I also completed my Equine Gnathology program through Your grace, and successfully passed my veterinary quiz.


You know Elmer White, right? (Of course you do) Well, as you also know he is helping me with my studies to become a PhD in Christian Science and I'm also going to be an equine psychoanalyst if it's Your will.


My questions this year, if I may:


1. Will you please, during one of Your chats with Pastor Zeke, tell him to remember who I am?
2. Will You make my application for residency in Freehold get approved?
3. Please kill all the spiders in the world. Today. In Your Name (that means You have to do it, like You said in Your Word)
4. Can you stop my parents from being papists? I mean, I know you can, but can you?
5. Will you help us locate Sister Cookie?
6. Please give Zeke his new airplane. We know You hate Creflo Dollar.
7. Tell your Dad I said Hello.


Well, my beautiful, handsome, adorable, gracious, loving, tender, and kind Master, I hope You have a wonderful birthday. I am happy that you come quickly and I can't wait for that event, which will be the climax of everything for once and for all. I question the word "quickly," though, at times, since we've all been waiting about 2000 years, but hey, that's your business.


Wow, I hate to ramble on and on and on, but LORD, I am about as crazy for You as Sister Etheldreda, and You know how she gets when the Holy Ghost takes over and reminds her of Your Love and how special you must think she is to temporarily die for her. She almost urinates herself over it, as do we all. GLORY TO YOUR NAME!!!!!


With all my love and thanks,
BrotherLarry
(The one with the horses - remember?)

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2016 QUESTIONS HERE!

Shalom, Jesus.
I already posted my question in the 2015 area but I'll repeat it:


Why didn't you take all the help YOUR PEOPLE, the JEWS, offered you back when you walked on the earth? Of course, you're dead so I don't expect an answer. You could have lived a much longer life had you just did as we requested: lay low, stop the whole god complex thing, and continue the excellent teaching and speechmaking that was your best suit. You took the lazy way out and chose death just to save face.


Well, I'm just going to sit back and watch as these people expect a "real" answer to their ridiculous questions, and also I will continue to wait for Meshiach, who will at last bring peace to Israel and reign forevermore.


Such a waste, Mr. Christ. Such a waste.
I have respect for you as a man and as a teacher. You had some really cool philosophies, but as you lay there in your tomb, I hope you have had time to think about your mistakes. Trusting your apostles to do all that wacky stuff you proposed might have worked if you were really sane, but you started losing it there toward the end. Again, your bad, not ours.


Mike