[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Have you given any thought to what you would like for Christmas, Mr Claus? I can see from your photo in the OP that your a man of advanced years and considerable girth. Have you given any thought as to how Mrs Claus would manage if something were ever to happen to you?

It just so turns out that at the moment I've got some great deals on prearranged funeral packages, given that business has been pretty slow since I moved to Freehold -- the life expectancy around here is, as you would expect, pretty high (Eph 6:2-3). I don't normally cater to the unsaved, but I would be willing to make an exception in your case.

You will no doubt be needing a rather substantial casket. Perhaps something in the Goliath range?



And what about a viewing? A chance for Mrs Claus and all the children you give toys to a chance to say their final goodbyes.

Give it some thought (not too much, though -- the big day isn't far away) and let me know. We can discuss prices later, but they are quite reasonable, ballpark $15,000-$30,000*, depending on certain factors.

* Strait Gate Funeral Parlor reserves the right to change pricing at any time and without notice.

Young Alan! One of my favorite lads. How absolutely cute of you to think of Old Santa in that manner. But I'm still young and I'll be delivering bright plastics to your widow one day! Ho ho ho! I always say that Let the dead bury their dead: but I go and preach the kingdom of Good Deliverance!

You are such a nice boy and I'll deliver you the blue pill, as always.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa,

I remember sitting on your lap when I was a boy. One year your breath smelled like something I noticed when walking by the pub holding mother's hand as she sought presents for Aunt Lucia, who was, according to mother, "so hard to buy for - Lesbians don't like anything." Aunt Lucia sure could play softball, though.

So - here is my wish list, Santa. I won't be greedy.
1. I want my application to move to Freehold approved.
2. I want my mom and dad to become Christians instead of continuing to worship Mary and do aerobics in Mass.
3. I would like to succeed in my creation science class so Elmer White will like me.
5. I also want Dr. Niles to like me just like I like him.
6. That last one needs to be on the down low.
7. Please bring all the poor people lots of presents and not just cheap hand me downs from the Salvation Army.

How is Mrs. Claus? Please say hello to Rosita for me. Does she have a red nose?
Yours,
Lar-Bear (Remember how you always called me that?)

It's young Pony Boy!! Such a demanding child. As always, Unca Santa is gonna give you what you need based on your niceties! Not necessarily what you demand.

1. I mostly deliver things of plastic, so paperwork and papyri are something you have to ask Jesus. He usually grants even the mustard seeds everything they want (they mostly want all forests to be replaced by cultivated fields are they've done very well wish-wise). I won't mind if you contact him, also.
2. Your mom and dad are going to get plastic figurines of the Jesus guy, I hope that helps.
3. I'll deliver you a plastic model (size S) of Noah's Ark. I hope that helps.
4. I'll deliver Nilesy-Dilesy one of the anatomically correct plastic toys that he loves so much and tell him it's from you. I'm sure that helps.
5. or 6. I'll also deliver you a plastic model of the human brain. I doubt that it'll help, though.
7. Nice people will get nice things regardless of their wealth, plastic has no boundaries. There is neither slow nor sleek, there is neither Bond nor Blofeld, there is neither male nor she-male: for you are all one on my list of nice and naughty.

Rosita says hi to your horseys. She has excellent teeth but as a ruminant only on the lower jaw when it comes to front teeth. Ho ho ho!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Are you sure you does not want me to sacrifice exploding jelly baby to you?

Undels-Dundels, my boy! At my age you're not sure if your pants are wet or dry or if you just remembered to close your fly. Ho ho ho! OK, my "jelly baby" has not exploded for decades. Ho Ho HO!!!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Dear "Santa";
I didn't trust you then, and I don't trust you now. If you look to my right, you will see that I am not (nor was I ever) in Bloomingdales as a child.

Non-credulously Yours,
Handmaiden

Handels-Dandels,

I have always delivered the plastics, I shall always do that to you. Your trust issues can probably be dealt with a nice comfy organic puppy.



Don't let Un-boy dogsit her, though! Ho ho ho!

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

You are such a nice boy and I'll deliver you the blue pill, as always.

My friend reckons that won't be enough to get him through to next Christmas. He asked me to ask you if you could perhaps throw in an extra couple of packs. And could you make sure it's the 25 mg, not the 100mg? Last year's gift ended in a trip to the emergency department.

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Handels-Dandels,

I have always delivered the plastics, I shall always do that to you. Your trust issues can probably be dealt with a nice comfy organic puppy.



Don't let Un-boy dogsit her, though! Ho ho ho!

Well, of course she's organic! She can't very well be a synthetic polymer. She is a real dog right? You're not trying to pawn me off with some weird Japanese robo-pet?


This changes nothing for me but my shopping list. Now I have to find premium grain-free dog food, a custom engraved name tag, (should I go for obvious cute, like "Fluffy" or ironic, like "Fang" or "Killer") then there's the velveteen bed, squeaky toys . . . The stores will be crazy on Christmas Eve.


You know, when Jesus gave me the gift of eternal salvation, He only required me to witness on His behalf. I wasn't expected to feed and walk everyone I talked into believing in Him. . . She'll need a bow, pink or purple . . . satin is prettier, but grosgrain is more durable . . .Ooh, a taffeta plaid for Christmas. . .


Preoccupiedly Yours,
Handmaiden

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

My friend reckons that won't be enough to get him through to next Christmas. He asked me to ask you if you could perhaps throw in an extra couple of packs. And could you make sure it's the 25 mg, not the 100mg? Last year's gift ended in a trip to the emergency department.

Ally-Dally, Believe me, I know this product intimately. You're supposed to take 1 x 100 mg pill and not 4 x, not like the way you did with the 25 mg. The ER staff have been nice and I'll be delivering them plenty of plastic disposable syringes for Christmas. Ho ho ho and everyone will be OK.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Well, of course she's organic! She can't very well be a synthetic polymer. She is a real dog right? You're not trying to pawn me off with some weird Japanese robo-pet?

This changes nothing for me but my shopping list. Now I have to find premium grain-free dog food, a custom engraved name tag, (should I go for obvious cute, like "Fluffy" or ironic, like "Fang" or "Killer") then there's the velveteen bed, squeaky toys . . . The stores will be crazy on Christmas Eve.

You know, when Jesus gave me the gift of eternal salvation, He only required me to witness on His behalf. I wasn't expected to feed and walk everyone I talked into believing in Him. . . She'll need a bow, pink or purple . . . satin is prettier, but grosgrain is more durable . . .Ooh, a taffeta plaid for Christmas. . .

Preoccupiedly Yours,
Handmaiden

Dear Handy-Girl! You're so nice! I'll deliver some plastic things to you. Apparently many puppy owners find these nice and handy! You'll need them when you go without with a dog.

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Undels-Dundels, my boy! At my age you're not sure if your pants are wet or dry or if you just remembered to close your fly. Ho ho ho! OK, my "jelly baby" has not exploded for decades. Ho Ho HO!!!

Friend, I am not understand what you is thing I will talking about, however, it is traditional to sacrifice a baby to Satan because for a black mass. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nhBqntL0f4

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Handels-Dandels,

I have always delivered the plastics, I shall always do that to you. Your trust issues can probably be dealt with a nice comfy organic puppy.



Don't let Un-boy dogsit her, though! Ho ho ho!

Do not listen to him! I will a very reliable dogsitter! You can guarantee that I will not be steal your puppy and take him to be turn into delicious dog-steak (yum yum!)

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Dear Santa,


Look, you fat a_$( $$&))@)@&^^$^$ I am a certified equine gnathologist who has passed a veterinary quiz and in my first term of PhD schoolery. I deserve some respect. Perhaps you didn't notice that Jesus asked ME to take care of his horses when he responded to my post. He might have been a little condescending in His tone, but He IS God's Son, after all. You aren't.


I'll be waiting on your sincere apology.


Plastic sucks.


COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[Roland]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Do not listen to him! I will a very reliable dogsitter! You can guarantee that I will not be steal your puppy and take him to be turn into delicious dog-steak (yum yum!)

Hello Kim,

As you seem to like fine (or exotic) foods, perhaps you could share them in the Basic recipe thread. It would be a shame to let your expertise go to waste.

Kind regards,

Roland

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Do not listen to him! I will a very reliable dogsitter! You can guarantee that I will not be steal your puppy and take him to be turn into delicious dog-steak (yum yum!)

Hmmm . . . "Yum-Yum" could be a different sort of ironic name, and I do have an odd sense of humor. . .


Contemplatively Yours,
Handmaiden

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Dear Santa,

Look, you fat a_$( $$&))@)@&^^$^$ I am a certified equine gnathologist who has passed a veterinary quiz and in my first term of PhD schoolery. I deserve some respect. Perhaps you didn't notice that Jesus asked ME to take care of his horses when he responded to my post. He might have been a little condescending in His tone, but He IS God's Son, after all. You aren't.

I'll be waiting on your sincere apology.

Plastic sucks.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

Pony Boy, such a lovely, funny boy! You never grew out of your tiny sweet tantrums, did you? Santa will always love you. Everything is forgiven. Even your flattery and the whole boast shall be forgiven unto (wo)men. Look, see, Poby Boy, I can also make fun emojis with the funny characters that no-one needs for actual writing: ¤#%&%=?)[]]{½! Isn't it fun!?

I'll deliver you something that will help you reconsider your plastic position. Look, see, some plastic horse teeth for your studies! Ho ho ho!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Do not listen to him! I will a very reliable dogsitter! You can guarantee that I will not be steal your puppy and take him to be turn into delicious dog-steak (yum yum!)

Kim-Dim-Dim! Yum-Yum is sauce in a plastic bottle. Only after your fat camp, darling!

Hello Kim,

As you seem to like fine (or exotic) foods, perhaps you could share them in the Basic recipe thread. It would be a shame to let your expertise go to waste.

Kind regards,

Roland

Ronnie, my boy! You already have the eye patch. Did you receive the wonderful pasta dough necklace that I just delivered? You love it, don't you! I'll be with you always, even unto the end of the world. You don't have to be A-men, I also deliver to B-men! Ho ho ho!

Hmmm . . . "Yum-Yum" could be a different sort of ironic name, and I do have an odd sense of humor...
Contemplatively Yours,
Handmaiden

Maidy-Daidy, my girliegirl. I'm very (very) busy at the moment, as your pastor Zeke had some booby-traps down his chimney, all of course disarmed now. He also had 7 dozen stockings in case I made it through the boobies. I filled all his socks, as I always deliver and not into chains of darkness unlike some people I know! Yum-Yum is sauce in a plastic bottle. I delivered one in your stocking a few moment ago. It has cinnamon, so it is not safe for dogs. Do not give it to your puppy!