The Bestests Gifts of 2024! Place Your Prayers to Santa HERE! Ho ho ho!!

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Aren't I nice! My 11-month vacation (Bora bora, Malesia, Bali, Tuvalu, and Bouvet Island AND R'lyeh) is OVER and I'm ready to GET IT ON! Me - the actual existing supernatural being that delivers is ready to hear your requests! Ho howhowdy hoe!

As always, I'll deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Usually, for you naughty 'uns, I'd deliver coal or tar, sometimes in a metaphorical sense, as always. For instance, Hannelore von Ûber und Nieder Pfeffering-Dunkelber in Lichtenstein will get a collection of the bestest speeches in the Republical Congesses 1951-2001. That'll teach her... Ha-ha-ha.

A not-so-gently reminder: I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. And the presious and the one before that etc. etc. etc. ... Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions, unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, they are too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Ho ho ho! Some great news for you nice ones. Because of the climate change, the ice on the North Pole is melting and a hidden stash of vintage stuff that I had totally forgotten emerged from beneath solid water. So I'll have lots of genuine vintage plastic replicas and other goodness to deliver this year and my prodution line elfs can just relax and consume the vintage chocolate and moonshine that had been stored in the stash.

Just ask and let all your dreams come TRUE! Merry Christmas, everyone, from you all-time favorite supernatural being. Me. Santa Claus!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Santa, I wonder if you could do something - for the people - about the global birth strike (GBS). Imagine if in a few years all the snot nose brats grew up and there was nobody left under the age of 10 to sit on your lap or work in factories turning dinosaur turds into beautiful toys! I know you say you don't deliver people, or slaves, or love potions but if you value our precious heritage I want you to think about changing that policy and deliver some gifts that will help address the plummeting birth rate.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, I wonder if you could do something - for the people - about the global birth strike (GBS). Imagine if in a few years all the snot nose brats grew up and there was nobody left under the age of 10 to sit on your lap or work in factories turning dinosaur turds into beautiful toys! I know you say you don't deliver people, or slaves, or love potions but if you value our precious heritage I want you to think about changing that policy and deliver some gifts that will help address the plummeting birth rate.

Tiny-Tony! Ho-ho-ho to you! As always, I can deliver and I don't have to deliver living people to grant your wish!

The problem is illiteracy. People look at Ding-dong videos and have all but forgotten the written word. In my vintage stash there were several items that are a 100% fit to your request. BOOKS (they are objects made of several sheets of interconnected paper with written words but that's not important right now). While there are many educational videos (mostly Dutch, German and Czech) that depict the hydraulics of reproduction, a good book will help repopulate the planet! First, a nice Norwegian book:



It has great illustrations and it is most suitable to your reading level!


Second, another nice vintage publication but - as you know or at least should know - the hydraulics of the reproductive act remain the same as they were during the yonderyears of Onan and Saul.


Ms. Higgingbotham wrote some rousing, yet informative books. Again, this is suitabe for your reading level and if you persist, you'll have it finished by mid-September 2025! Ho ho ho.

And... I know... you want to have the spare parts for your model D83 Swedish sure-grip s*ck machine that I delivered previously. They're a-comin'! No worries. The spare parts are of the shiniest plastic! Ho! AND they'll be delivered in an inconspicuous package!

[Isabella White]

Oh, no you don't, SATAN Claus — not this year! We have just been gifted the very best that the could possibly give to servants: the glorious resumption of the rightful Presidency of Donald J. Trump! We do not need you coming in here, cavorting and causing mayhem and ruining our victory with your silly, Satanic nonsense. And, kindly refrain from posting revolting pictures of yourself all over the interwebs — in ' Name, I pray!

[Santa Claus]

Oh, no you don't, SATAN Claus — not this year! We have just been gifted the very best that the could possibly give to servants: the glorious resumption of the rightful Presidency of Donald J. Trump! We do not need you coming in here, cavorting and causing mayhem and ruining our victory with your silly, Satanic nonsense. And, kindly refrain from posting revolting pictures of yourself all over the interwebs — in ' Name, I pray!

Sweet Bella, my Bibe Beast! Ho ho ho! Aways a bit grumpy and still as pretty as the night you took that nice pic of me! I know JUST what you need to cheer you up! Some fabulous but decent additions to your wardrobe and I CAN deliver. My stash warehouse of vintage items is a cornucopia of deliverables.

First, the attire. I must say that you DO need to perk thigs up if you're gonna meet some eligible centenarians to woo and wed.



Next, a nice happy Christmas carol for you and your little friends to rehearse and vocalize on the malls and streets and woods and Waffle Houses that you frequent.


And, ho ho ho, Bella. I must apologize. Last year your requests were a bit obscure, so I failed to understand that you wanted a have a plastic item and not a holiday trip to a small Canadian town, but I still hope that your stay there in Newfoundland was profitable! That item, and many others incuding the stuff depicted above, will be delivered by your chimney on schedule!

[MitzaLizalor]

I've been looking for something Portuguese for a friend and noticed one or two items (in glass) that would appeal to me, too. A couple extra would provide for my friend: and speaking of glass: that glue that doesn't come unstuck? Is there anything that will dissolve it without also dissolving the glass? I'm not an expert on solvents and wouldn't want to create the wrong impression or make a fool of myself asking for such chemicals in a shop. (Or oil refinery, as would probably be needed.)

Thanking you in anticipation.

PS - Do you employ gnomes, or just elves?
(We're having a "fancy dress" dinner and I've been put down to make appropriate costumes.)

PPS - ..as an afterthought, some of the letters have disappeared from my keyboard.
A replacement seems extravagant but a new A, C, E, H, I, J, N, O, R, S and T would be a welcome surprise!

[Santa Claus]

I've been looking for something Portuguese for a friend and noticed one or two items (in glass) that would appeal to me, too. A couple extra would provide for my friend: and speaking of glass: that glue that doesn't come unstuck? Is there anything that will dissolve it without also dissolving the glass? I'm not an expert on solvents and wouldn't want to create the wrong impression or make a fool of myself asking for such chemicals in a shop. (Or oil refinery, as would probably be needed.)

Thanking you in anticipation.

PS - Do you employ gnomes, or just elves?
(We're having a "fancy dress" dinner and I've been put down to make appropriate costumes.)

PPS - ..as an afterthought, some of the letters have disappeared from my keyboard.
A replacement seems extravagant but a new A, C, E, H, I, J, N, O, R, S and T would be a welcome surprise!

Mitzy, I am a simple immortal man, tri-curious, and shall deliver based on requests and needs. That said, I figured out something that you might love and cherish. Uranium glass! Behold this vintage juicer made of 25% uranium. If you ever get bored with it, you can enrich the ²³⁵U and make some helluva fireworks with you little friends!



I do employ gnomes. They are very resistant to decomposition and usually spend their twilight years in people's gardens in apparent passivity but are ready to bite at a moment's notice with their venomous fangs if you trespass. I can also deliver you many, many letters. Here are some that might be more fun albeit less useful. Ho ho ho.

ř
ĵ
ư
ȭ
ő

You can have so much fun with these. Almost forgot, some Portuguese fun and merriment for you this Christmas! Or, as they say "Merry Christmas" in the Lusitanian tongue (at least, this is what they always say to me in their cheerful but awfully nasal accents): "Vai tomar no cu!"

[GanduHindu]

I do have a tangible gift in mind. I want a He-Man complete action set with Castle Grayskull. You might wonder what a 40-something man would do with this toy collection. I had a few individual action figures, but never the complete set. As a child, I was denied this complete set, and it's long overdue for a course correction.

My parents were progressive and would have gotten me this set 35 years ago, but it was outside their decision-making.

Unfortunately, I spent a large part of my childhood and early youth in a Hindu monastery, where I was beaten, abused, starved, and brainwashed to hate Christians and the West, especially America. All so I could learn some Sanskrit and Yoga, which I have reluctantly become an expert in.

Despite the broken teeth and visible scars from childhood torture and trauma, my desire for He-man action toys has not waned. Of course, I can afford to buy them now, but being gifted by Santa Claus is a very precious feeling which I've never experienced before.

No selfies or sitting in the lap, though. You can CashApp or Venmo me the balance if you don't have the budget for the entire set.

And of course, Merry Christmas. (Back in the Hindu monastery, I would have been beaten with a rod for uttering those words.)

[Isabella White]

I do have a tangible gift in mind. I want a He-Man complete action set with Castle Grayskull. You might wonder what a 40-something man would do with this toy collection. I had a few individual action figures, but never the complete set. As a child, I was denied this complete set, and it's long overdue for a course correction.

My parents were progressive and would have gotten me this set 35 years ago, but it was outside their decision-making.

Unfortunately, I spent a large part of my childhood and early youth in a Hindu monastery, where I was beaten, abused, starved, and brainwashed to hate Christians and the West, especially America. All so I could learn some Sanskrit and Yoga, which I have reluctantly become an expert in.

Despite the broken teeth and visible scars from childhood torture and trauma, my desire for He-man action toys has not waned. Of course, I can afford to buy them now, but being gifted by Santa Claus is a very precious feeling which I've never experienced before.

No selfies or sitting in the lap, though. You can CashApp or Venmo me the balance if you don't have the budget for the entire set.

And of course, Merry Christmas. (Back in the Hindu monastery, I would have been beaten with a rod for uttering those words.)

Dear Mr. Hindu: I am — truly and sincerely — so very sorry about your violent upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine the horrors that you went through, and of all the scary nights (and days) that you have lived through.

Whilst I am appreciative of your request for a gift, I must warn you about this SATAN Claus who makes his evil way to every December. He has nothing but deceit and deception, and he knows (full well) that he has no place here — as he repeatedly attempts to sway and lure people to his damnable domain. Kindly abandon any notion of asking for a gift from him — particularly anything that is masculine in nature — because you shall see nothing but dastardly destruction in return!

As an example of how corrupt SATAN Claus is, kindly take notice of the attachments that he left for me — a dyed-in-the-wool, lady! I shall include them below — highlighted for your easy reference. As you shall see, he is trying to spread the evils of homersexualism, and we will have none of it here at . Kindly ensure that your email address is SATAN-resistant, protected by whatever anti-evil, anti-virus software you can afford, and NEVER ask SATAN Claus for anything that pertains to homer worship!









Forewarned is forearmed! In 's mighty Name, I plead the precious of the !

Hebrews 13:12 "Wherefore also, that he might sanctify the people with own , suffered without the gate."

[Romeo Rovagnati]

Dear Saint Nick,

can you find me any copy of the wicked Dylan Dog so I can prevent children from being corrupted by it? Thanks.

[Santa Claus]

I do have a tangible gift in mind. I want a He-Man complete action set with Castle Grayskull. You might wonder what a 40-something man would do with this toy collection. I had a few individual action figures, but never the complete set. As a child, I was denied this complete set, and it's long overdue for a course correction.

My parents were progressive and would have gotten me this set 35 years ago, but it was outside their decision-making.

Unfortunately, I spent a large part of my childhood and early youth in a Hindu monastery, where I was beaten, abused, starved, and brainwashed to hate Christians and the West, especially America. All so I could learn some Sanskrit and Yoga, which I have reluctantly become an expert in.

Despite the broken teeth and visible scars from childhood torture and trauma, my desire for He-man action toys has not waned. Of course, I can afford to buy them now, but being gifted by Santa Claus is a very precious feeling which I've never experienced before.

No selfies or sitting in the lap, though. You can CashApp or Venmo me the balance if you don't have the budget for the entire set.

And of course, Merry Christmas. (Back in the Hindu monastery, I would have been beaten with a rod for uttering those words.)

Ho! It's Gandu my baby-bijou! Being nice is nice, isn't it! Tvat tvam asi and habeas corpus! Great news! I'm still going through my stash that melted back from oblivion. Obviously, it derives from an era when the He-Man figure (I always preferred Skeletor but he proved to be the wrong thing to give girls after Princess Di invented anorexia) was still decades away. But. I do. De-Liver (and sometimes, I do de-spleen)! Instead of a He-man, I give you the She-man including the original film stock of celloluse nitrate, a kind of glorious plastic!



In addition, here's a nice vinyl (plastic!) audio record of the nicest and bestest song of your home cuntry!



Hold on to your turban! If you keep on being nice, there might even be more excellent things delivered on your open fire of dried cow dung! Ho ho ho!

[Santa Claus]

Dear Mr. Hindu: I am — truly and sincerely — so very sorry about your violent upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine the horrors that you went through, and of all the scary nights (and days) that you have lived through.

Whilst I am appreciative of your request for a gift, I must warn you about this SATAN Claus who makes his evil way to every December. He has nothing but deceit and deception, and he knows (full well) that he has no place here — as he repeatedly attempts to sway and lure people to his damnable domain. Kindly abandon any notion of asking for a gift from him — particularly anything that is masculine in nature — because you shall see nothing but dastardly destruction in return!

As an example of how corrupt SATAN Claus is, kindly take notice of the attachments that he left for me — a dyed-in-the-wool, lady! I shall include them below — highlighted for your easy reference. As you shall see, he is trying to spread the evils of homersexualism, and we will have none of it here at . Kindly ensure that your email address is SATAN-resistant, protected by whatever anti-evil, anti-virus software you can afford, and NEVER ask SATAN Claus for anything that pertains to homer worship!

Sweet Bella! Sometimes I forget how you mortals start to lose cognition at such a young age. Do not worry, Bella-Lass, I do understand your obsession with your bygone days of fecundity. I can deliver you just the thing you need: An invigorating tonic! Just ingest this - the sweetest and sturdiest of products and swallow like a good girl, and you'll be good as new by Boxing Day!
'


Not only delicious, but it'll make you jolly happy, too! I am quite certain that the product has kept well under the ice with unbroken cold chain that will melt your heart, Bella. Ho ho my ho!

[Santa Claus]

Dear Saint Nick,

can you find me any copy of the wicked Dylan Dog so I can prevent children from being corrupted by it? Thanks.

Romy-boy! I can and I did find it. The copy is in a small town in Georgia, US.



It is in Miss Kh'rystyn Sha'qui'lle O'Neal's outhouse in-between the pile of Cosmopolitans. Be hasty, she is running out of toilet paper and might have to use her magazine stash as a replacement. Ho, but do not hesitate to take a detour. I'm also delivering you TWO tickets for the 1936 premier of the bestest movie of that year. You don't want to miss it! You can take your favorite altar boy with you and make it a spectacular night out!

[Isabella White]

Sweet Bella! Sometimes I forget how you mortals start to lose cognition at such a young age. Do not worry, Bella-Lass, I do understand your obsession with your bygone days of fecundity. I can deliver you just the thing you need: An invigorating tonic! Just ingest this - the sweetest and sturdiest of products and swallow like a good girl, and you'll be good as new by Boxing Day!
'


Not only delicious, but it'll make you jolly happy, too! I am quite certain that the product has kept well under the ice with unbroken cold chain that will melt your heart, Bella. Ho ho my ho!

Oh! How very funny (not), SATAN Claus! Obviously, your mission is an attempt to take away the true meaning of mas, by sneaking in here with your sinful, homersexualist "gay" propaganda in attempt to steal souls and take them to . Well, you will not get away with it — not now, and not ever.

And, I will take this as an opportunity to remind you of what the blessed has to say about such sinfulness:

Leviticus 18:22 "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Now, kindly remove yourself from these sacred premises: immediately — if not sooner! Rest assured that will do everything we can to prevent the seeping-in of sin, and to prevent further homer atrocities: and that includes the travesty of the transsexual movement. And, we have no interest in any and all disgusting drag queen drama that you might like to promote!

And, for Heaven's sake, stop calling me "Bella"!

[Santa Claus]

Oh! How very funny (not), SATAN Claus! Obviously, your mission is an attempt to take away the true meaning of mas, by sneaking in here with your sinful, homersexualist "gay" propaganda in attempt to steal souls and take them to . Well, you will not get away with it — not now, and not ever.

And, I will take this as an opportunity to remind you of what the blessed has to say about such sinfulness:

Leviticus 18:22 "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Now, kindly remove yourself from these sacred premises: immediately — if not sooner! Rest assured that will do everything we can to prevent the seeping-in of sin, and to prevent further homer atrocities: and that includes the travesty of the transsexual movement. And, we have no interest in any and all disgusting drag queen drama that you might like to promote!

And, for Heaven's sake, stop calling me "Bella"!

OK, Shirley, nothing wrong with a cute tantrum! You young 'uns are impatient and governed by the hormone surges that are hard to control. I understand. Nothing a nive delivery will not cure. You're fond of a nice cuppa, aren't you. This one will surely delight you, Shirley Ho!


You can invite you sister Agnatha and you can share a nice hot beverage of hard tea. And I have just the condiment that will make your cuppa the bestest ever!


Just add some muscovado sugar and you'll have a jolly night with you pals! AND to finish off a nice partytime when you're entertaining, some snacks! These are genuine English assortiments from a bygone era preserved in polar ice and infused with the bestests of pure artificial flavors to commemorate the coronation of the deceased Queen Lizzy!


Yes ho ho ho! It's Spangles. Not genuine plastic but when you chew on one, it could just as well be! Dear Shirley, it's gonna be swell and your sweetest, supercalifragilisticexpialidociousest Christmas yet!