[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Shout GLORY! The battles rage on!

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

All you Gallant Mens are giving me the strangest feelings...and Right here on Christmas Day, too

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

I hope the good Reverends and Pastors of Freehold will award many well-earned medals to our boys serving on the front lines.

It seems little enough to do to make sure these Freedom Fighters are properly recognized for their sacrifices.

[Gabriel Reproba]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

My Dearest Octavia,


It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you, and I gladly avail myself of the present occasion. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines anyhow and try and get it off to let you know that I am among the living.


We have been on a raid back into Fort Worth, TX and, unlike previous occasions, I have time to give you the particulars of our trip. I want you to know that our Christmas Spirits are high and give you a flavor of our battle for the Fort Worth Mass Transit Posters. As you may well know, the enemy has made Texas, one of the centers of True Christianity, a high priority in the war. They believe the old saying that, “As goes Tx. so goes the nation.” As our commanding officer, Horrace Ezekial Jackson, II, pointed out, the recent changes that the good people of the Free State of Texas made to their schoolbooks was one of the most resounding shots in the battle against the godless. As he said, “It really put a bee in their burqas.” Well, it seems that bee decided to sting back.


Fort Worth had always put wholesome Christian posters in their transit systems during Christmas. I hesitate to tell you what happened this year, but I will keep my vow I made to you on that grey and cloudy day before I sign up. I will not hold any detail from you, no matter the risk to your feminine sensibilities. But know this, it is enough to make a man go mad. The fact is that the Godless heathens purchased advertising space and put up posters saying, “Millions of Americans are good without God.” My heart aches to tell you this, but it is the truth.


We struck camp just before sunrise and started our attack. With the sun at our backs, we took the number six bus west to the center of town and then transferred to the number 15 on the blue line to go to the Historic Stockyards. From there we would catch the cross-town express to City Hall in time for the debate over the advertising attack. While on route, the evidence of the recent atheist raid was everywhere. No longer was the advertising message on the busses solely a Christian one, it now held atheist propaganda. Many of our men had to turn away, some even emptying their stomachs, as they watched once-good Christian civilians convert to atheism right before their eyes. Later, one of my brothers in arms would report overhearing one civilian say to his wife in a trance-like voice, “You know, I have been a devout Baptist all my life, but after glancing at that one-line poster on the bus over there, I see their point. I hate God now.”


We lost several good men at the midtown bus terminal for the want of exact change. (Supply lines have been unreliable recently with the atheist victories at the Houston Public Library Book Display and the Dallas Fire Dept. Santa-On-A-Truck parade.) Thankfully, most of us made it to the debate.


Once there, we picketed our hearts out. We scrambled for the high moral ground. We screamed and yelled. We threw literature at anything that moved. Unfortunately, the atheists had dug in behind a folding petition table and chairs. As the day wore on, with men running low on leaflets, we slept little and ate even less. When the dust had cleared, the City decided that rather than allow this UnGodly filth be displayed, they would ban all religious themed advertising. For a moment, we cheered, thinking the battle won. But suddenly, it dawned on the men that this meant while the atheists could not spread their lies; it also meant that Christians could no longer spread the Good Word on Fort Worth busses. One of our numbers fell to his knees stretched out his arms to his sides and look up to the heavens as a news helicopter flew over him and screamed, “We just wanted you to ban the Atheists….not everyone!!!! Why, God? Why?!?!?!”


I still don’t know who won that battle. To be honest, I am just glad I survived. I think that at its core, war simply about survival. We will remain in this vicinity, I expect for some time. We need to replenish our supplies and make several talk show appearances to scream about how oppressed we Christians are in this Country.


I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write often… I will get them sometime. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to my hunting dogs, Pancake and Biscuit, and all the family friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present.

As ever your devoted and loving Husband, Gabriel Buford Reproba, Esq.

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do

I suppose, Sister SUV.

I just placed a call to Ofc. Don, and he assured me that the Freehold Prison's Firing Squad is much more efficient using the M-60s the city fathers provided them.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Well they don't look much like Real Americans. But if they're doing the Lord's Work, they'll have to do

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

On the Home Front, these fine Christians are giving the American Citizens a lesson that needs to be learned.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

What was that about breaking into an elementary school and tying up a bunch of children? Glad us Catholics do it year-round!

Fixed.

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

I weep for the suffering you must endure while fighting the good fight.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

beating the lunch lady savagely over the head with a frozen lamb chop

Some of you Boys must have watched Serial Mom. Bless you!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Ah, Christmas...the only time the Blessed Mother gets ANY love from you folks...glad us Catholics do it year-round!

Kill yourself.

[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Prepared to see the theatrical equivalent of watching a mentally challenged seven year old smash his testicles with a claw hammer, the parents were most taken aback when the boys and I, donning Jesus-era garb, performed the miracle of Jesus' birth with me playing the part of the Virgin Mary.

Ah, Christmas...the only time the Blessed Mother gets ANY love from you folks...glad us Catholics do it year-round!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

To my friend Derwood,

As I write this letter I am worried that perhaps something awful happened to you at The Battle of the Charleston Highway Atheist Billboard, for I have not heard from you in nearly a fortnight and grow more anxious as the days go by. Please respond to this letter so I know you are alright.

After our success at The Battle of the Knoxville Safeway we marched north toward Pennsylvania where word had spread that a small contingent of Christ-killing Jews were amassing in the small town of Erie to prevent the production of a school play depicting our Lord's birth. As we entered the town we knew something was amiss and set up camp in the forest nearby. As night fell we made our way to the Elementary School where the production was to take place. Activist Jews/Atheists/Homosexuals had prevented this year's play from making any mention of Christ and the once Godly "Nativity Play" had its name changed to "The Christmas Santa Slept In." We had to stop this theatrical abortion from reaching the public and hatched a most devious scheme. While Cooter and Wayne chained themselves to the front door in silent protest that prevented the parents and children from getting into the auditorium the rest of us forced our way in through the cafeteria loading docks, beating the lunch lady savagely over the head with a frozen lamb chop when she attempted to alert authorities. The men and I then took the child actors and drama teacher hostage backstage.

The police finally arrived and hauled Cooter and Wayne off to jail, while they will be missed their sacrifices will not be in vain. (Before I forget: If you could get a hold of Cooter and Wayne's families and let them know where they are that would be great since we don't have the money to bail them out right now) As the parents took their seats the curtain rose and the lights dimmed. Prepared to see the theatrical equivalent of watching a mentally challenged seven year old smash his testicles with a claw hammer, the parents were most taken aback when the boys and I, donning Jesus-era garb, performed the miracle of Jesus' birth with me playing the part of the Virgin Mary.

We escaped before the authorities could return and spent the night in the woods reveling in our victory over Godlessness while consuming spirited beverages like Peppermint Schnapps. The boys and I had a gay time indeed. It is good for us to have these moments, for the joys that we experience come so far apart during this war. I pray the day The War On Christmas ends will be soon. I miss my bed, for sleeping in the woods under bridges with meth addicts and winos has made me long for the comforts of my home. I miss home-cooked meals. I miss my wife Martha, and my secret fiance Edith, who I plan to marry as soon as this war is over.

I hope this letter will find you in good spirits and that you may receive it before Christmas. You are in my prayers.

Sincerely, your dear friend,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

[Bible Student]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Dearest Edith,

I write to you not as the once innocent man you kissed goodbye some three weeks ago, but as a hardened soldier in The War on Christmas. I've seen things too disgusting to describe to you and lost many friends along the way.

Yesterday my men and I were ambushed by a squad of atheist yuppies in what became The Battle of the Orlando City Hall Manger Display. As we stood in vigilant guard in front of that wooden statue of blessed Jesus we could hear in the distance the sound of a Dave Matthew's Band CD growing ever-louder. Soon the front of the City Hall was completely illuminated by the headlights of at least half a dozen Honda Priuses. We readied ourselves as the cigarette-legged, skinny-jean wearing, ironic lumberjack beard-wearing, 30-something-year-olds rushed as us with the intent of tearing down the scene of our Lord's birth.

We stood our ground and in Jesus' holy name bashed in every last one of their heads causing them to retreat and regroup at the local farmer's market to mend their wounds with organic fair-trade rubbing alcohol.

I'm proud to report that due to our efforts residents in the greater Orlando area will not have to drive by their City Hall without being reminded that Jesus is the reason for the season (in case they forgot).

We've lost a lot of good men in this fight, but on days like these I know that it's all worth it.

Send my warmest regards to mother and the children. Know that my heart aches for you on these long, cold nights.

Lovingly yours,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

Thank you Brother Wash. Your post brings back such warm memories of Orlando. It was such a wonderful spirit-filled Christian town of 35,000 people when I first arrived there at the beginning of the 1970s. It was a joy watching those fine Christian men in white sheets and hoods nailing up posters of uppity nigras and recommending a good tar and feathering or introduction to the working end of a shotgun before that satanic, evil, vile Walt Disney World ruined the fine city. Now look what you have. A frenetic cesspool of more than 3 million heathens devoted to the lord of the underworld, the prince of sulfur and brimstone.

I'll pray for you and your group as you fight to keep the Christmas scene on government property where it properly belongs. If there is anything I can do to help [I still have lots of Christian friends there though I've moved 1200 miles away.] please let me know. Unfortunately my assistance cannot be monetary as I have already paid my 10% tithe of $1.50 for this month. (We bible students don't make much money, you know.)

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Don't forget to Call me on my CELL next time something is planned! How many times do I have to tell you Boys the number is 867-5309?