[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Brothers and Sisters, I am in need of advice. Last night, I received news that I am now a widow and my husband left no will, meaning by the secular courts, I now own his property (though really, it is my sons'). My husband was murdered by Negros while at Black Lives Matter rally, preaching about God's message and God's ordination of black people to serve only. I praise Jesus because I know he is rejoicing in Heaven where he no longer has to deal with the heathen, sin-filled world anymore, so in that sense, I am happy for him. But I will miss his guidance and wise words and discipline.

Now, he was the head pastor, and I'm at my father's house with my father as the temporary trustee with my sons since I know a women cannot make decisions for herself or she would make a bad one. My father and the other pastors at our church have told me it is better for me to take a husband for women, especially young ones, are too foolish to be alone and my sons need a godly male role model. Do you have any suggestions on how to proceed?

Mournfully Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Thank you, Sister, for clarifying your current maritalness. As a single woman, I imagine you have not had proper direction and discipline related to dental care. It is urgent that you learn to take care of that horsemouth, lest it decline into St Vitus' Disease.

As a certified equine gnathologist, I am aware of certain similarities between the human dental system and that of a horse. I am saddened that you have developed such a foul state of disrepair.

Perhaps the LORD has led us to be together so that I might give you the oral care you've been without. Our mouths are important, Sister. Consider the words of our LORD in Romans 10:10, for instance. Or Matthew 15:11, Ephesians 4:29, and numerous others.

I want you to be able to use your mouth in ways that you've never dreamed. I cannot practice human dentistry for that would be unethical and unlawful. I can, however, teach you to use that mouth for the LORD, and to care for it in Christian love. Please consider this offer, which just may have been brought about by the Holy Ghost, and let me know. In just seven days, I bet I can have you on your knees, using that mouth for the purposes the LORD GOD intended. (His praise, and confession of sin)

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Sister Handmaiden,

I am not disappointed, since it appears you are already married. Adultery is a disgusting practice and one that I would never partake in. Your looks, however, were not that terribly important; I merely wanted confirmation of wide childbearing hips and at least tolerable appearance. Much of your time would be spent in service to the home and to me, and that doesn't require a fair face. When I was a boy, I thought it did - but the gentlemen of this church have mentored me well. I wouldn't even have to love you. Isn't that awesome?

But, since we're not destined for matrimony, apparently, I wish you well and I will go back to my horse teeth, which I DO love with a great love, yea - even a love that is difficult for me to describe.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

Awww. And I've been told that I have horse-like teeth.


Overbitingly Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. I am not married currently. My husband was one of those fuzzy-wuzzy Christians who didn't follow the Whole Bible.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Sister Handmaiden,

I am not disappointed, since it appears you are already married. Adultery is a disgusting practice and one that I would never partake in. Your looks, however, were not that terribly important; I merely wanted confirmation of wide childbearing hips and at least tolerable appearance. Much of your time would be spent in service to the home and to me, and that doesn't require a fair face. When I was a boy, I thought it did - but the gentlemen of this church have mentored me well. I wouldn't even have to love you. Isn't that awesome?

But, since we're not destined for matrimony, apparently, I wish you well and I will go back to my horse teeth, which I DO love with a great love, yea - even a love that is difficult for me to describe.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Sister Handmaiden,
Can you tell me more about your qualifications for being a wife and mother? I would appreciate being informed of your cooking skills, ability to remain silent, keep a clean, sanitary home, and the like.

I am an excellent cook, if a bit out of practice. I grew up in a household with many brothers and I don't know how to cook for fewer than a dozen people.

I also am interested in the reasons why you have waited so long to marry. As a True Christian™ man, I have every right to wait until the correct person comes along - but why a woman would select spinsterhoodity over spitting out Christ's Army -- well, I just can't imagine.

I was married once, but the Lord had other plans. I would have welcomed children, but my husband was routinely occupied by other concerns. Thus, many of my, ahem, parts, are very low mileage.

Nonetheless, I have interest in these answers. Could you also provide a suitable photograph? How wide are your hips?

My hips are wide enough to guarantee safe passage for a good-sized male offspring, but not so wide that I wouldn't suffer in childbirth as God commands.


Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.



I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a photograph, because I wouldn't want to be looked over by anyone other than my husband, but unfortunately, most men seem to want to look over a woman before taking her to wife. Thus,an impasse.

May GOD richly bless you, Sister. Here are some of my qualifications for husbandry:

True Christian™
Certified Equine Gnathologist (a noble profession)
Future resident of Freehold, Iowa
Heir to Pureheart BMW, Cadillac, Lexus
Heir to Pureheart Chevrolet
Heir to Pureheart Auto Service of East Brunswick, NJ
A trust fund of over $2,000,000 has been recently released to me
Hard worker, diligent provider, and kind yet firm disciplinarian
Dedicated Republican, White Male, Baptist Patriot
Single, and untouched. I have known no woman Biblically.
Prayer Warrior (I am in the closet much of the time)
Graduate of the Ex-Catholic program offered through LBC
Endowed by my Creator in more ways than one
Supporter of Donald J. Trump
Athletic supporter
Fit body and sound mind

You seem to have a great many fine qualities, good sir, but I am but a humble handmaid with too much learning and a looming expiration date on my gametes.


You compliment me with your interest, and I shall keep you in my prayers. Perhaps when you find a suitable bride of youthful vigor and start a family, I can be of use carting around one of your children on my sizeable hips so that your lovely wife can attend to other household duties.


Blessingly Yours,


Handmaiden


P.S. I grew up in a loud, Italian household. Keeping silent would have alarmed my parents to no end.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Sister Handmaiden,

Can you tell me more about your qualifications for being a wife and mother? I would appreciate being informed of your cooking skills, ability to remain silent, keep a clean, sanitary home, and the like.

I also am interested in the reasons why you have waited so long to marry. As a True Christian(TM) man, I have every right to wait until the correct person comes along - but why a woman would select spinsterhoodity over spitting out Christ's Army -- well, I just can't imagine.

Nonetheless, I have interest in these answers. Could you also provide a suitable photograph? How wide are your hips?

May GOD richly bless you, Sister. Here are some of my qualifications for husbandry:

True Christian(TM)
Certified Equine Gnathologist (a noble profession)
Future resident of Freehold, Iowa
Heir to Pureheart BMW, Cadillac, Lexus
Heir to Pureheart Chevrolet
Heir to Pureheart Auto Service of East Brunswick, NJ
A trust fund of over $2,000,000 has been recently released to me
Hard worker, diligent provider, and kind yet firm disciplinarian
Dedicated Republican, White Male, Baptist Patriot
Single, and untouched. I have known no woman Biblically.
Prayer Warrior (I am in the closet much of the time)
Graduate of the Ex-Catholic program offered through LBC
Endowed by my Creator in more ways than one
Supporter of Donald J. Trump
Athletic supporter
Fit body and sound mind

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Thank you, dear Sister, for your assurances and supportive prayers.

You are most welcome. We ladies must support each other in our trials.

I was having another thought, though, and if you can aid in relieving this one as well, I would be most appreciative. Does your hyphenated name mean that your husband made concessions regarding your father's surname remaining a part of yours?

Oh my goodness no, Sister! My father's surname is Allchurch. I remember being asked the very same question (by some absolutely frightful man) when I first joined these Godly forums. I refer you to my answer then.

And why are there two "T's" in Lytton but only one "S" in Vasey?

I suppose for the same reason that there is one J and two Ns in Joanna? Spelling is so difficult, isn't it?

With Sisterly love,
Joanna

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Please, Sister, I implore you, do not put yourself down like this. I have seen absolutely no signs of independent thought in anything you have ever said or done.

Thank you, dear Sister, for your assurances and supportive prayers. The Lord has indeed used you to relieve my mind. And I try not to burden my brain with weighty thoughts, because, after all, why else did Jesus die on the cross if not to carry ALL our burdens-- our sins and our earthly concerns alike. Really, who needs to fret about worldly matters when our eternal fate is sealed in the Lamb's Book of Life?


I was having another thought, though, and if you can aid in relieving this one as well, I would be most appreciative. Does your hyphenated name mean that your husband made concessions regarding your father's surname remaining a part of yours? And why are there two "T's" in Lytton but only one "S" in Vasey?


Praise Jesus for the True Freedom and Peace of Mind that allows us to focus on what really matters!




~~ Moderately Interestedly Yours,
Handmaiden

[Leroy Llewelyn]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

Sister Handmaiden, might a weekend retreat of vigorous prayer and reflection at HappyRock Church do you wonders?

You as well, Sister Joanna. You're especially welcomed.
YIC
LL

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I worry that I don't particularly want a husband. Having grown up Catholic (I have my ex-Mary Worshipper medal from Landover Baptist*), I fear that I may have a nun-like streak of independence.

Sister Handy, everyone who knows and loves you (i.e. all your True Christian™ Brothers and Sisters here at Landover, but - most important of all - ) is absolutely confident that when you put your vile, Mary-worshipping ways behind you, any nunnish tendencies were returned to Satan, where they belong.

Please, Sister, I implore you, do not put yourself down like this. I have seen absolutely no signs of independent thought in anything you have ever said or done.

What should be done about this?

Assuming that your father and brothers are doing their part, looking out for a suitable husband for you, all we can really do is pray that Our Dear Lord may intervene on your behalf, so that you may bear at least one son before your internal private parts become withered and barren.

Sweet Jesus, we beg and implore You in Your Infinite Goodness and Mercy to provide Sister Handmaiden with a suitable husband and if You should choose to favor her with one who is not entirely repulsive to her then she would be extra grateful. Thank You, Jesus. Amen.

YiC
Your loving Sister in Christ,
Joanna

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I worry that I don't particularly want a husband. Having grown up Catholic (I have my ex-Mary Worshipper medal from Landover Baptist*), I fear that I may have a nun-like streak of independence.

What should be done about this? (I was going to write, "What can I do about this?" until I realized that thought was an indicator of possible independent thought.)


Thinkingly (but concerned about it) Yours,


Handmaiden

* It was my very first!

Handmaiden, my husband's advice to all unmarried young lady is to improve your sewing, cooking, cleaning and baking skills, pray to the Lord, focus on being submissive, and ask a male pastor for guidance. After all, as women, we are too weak and likely to sin to make a lifelong commitment.


Kindly,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[handmaiden]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I worry that I don't particularly want a husband. Having grown up Catholic (I have my ex-Mary Worshipper medal from Landover Baptist*), I fear that I may have a nun-like streak of independence.

What should be done about this? (I was going to write, "What can I do about this?" until I realized that thought was an indicator of possible independent thought.)


Thinkingly (but concerned about it) Yours,


Handmaiden

* It was my very first!

[Titus Templeton]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I like it when women look at the ground all the time and don't search eye contact. Makes me feel more confident. (That doesn't mean I like japanese women even they do this)

[Leroy Llewelyn]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

I really should direct my housekeeper and cook, sister Sarah, to this site for guidance. I allow her two hours a week of (filtered, of course!) Interweb access weekly. You pious ladies could certainly teach her a thing or two about ladylike behaviour!

I saved her young soul almost a decade ago from a house of debauchery. Under my strident ministrations she's almost completely cleansed the trollop taint from her embodiment.

I love your work for our Lord, ladies. <3

[Uranus]

Re: How to Land a Good Husband

And smelling so foul he can identify your "essence" from across the room!

Are you looking for a wife???