Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspections

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

As many of you are aware, today was the day the Ladies of Landover held one of our surprise home inspections in Freehold. For the most part everything was fine, some infractions were handed out for some minor offenses, but the biggest surprise was how unkempt many of you otherwise fine True Christian™ sisters keep your bushes! The last thing we needed were those in our faces when we came around!
This is completely unacceptable! Do you really want your husbands to come home from a hard day's work only to be greeted by shaggy, wild bushes before they even get in the house?
You now have three days to trim your bushes before we come and take another look at them. If you find yourselves having trouble, ask your wetback or Nip gardeners to help. With years of landscaping experience, they will have no problem getting your bushes properly manicured and looking good for your husbands, your community, and for Jesus.
Failure to comply at the end of the three days will result in a fine of $5000 and possible permanent removal of your bushes.
Remember, an unsightly bush reflects badly on you and your husband.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

As you know, Sister, we don't have bushes in our front yard, but we do have decorative shrubbery around our Learjet's private landing strip that I keep well groomed. For some reason, Mr. Thyme has been quite particular about this since our return from a vacation in Brazil.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I was about to add something about other unspeakable crimes to the Terrorist Update, but then I realized that since the crimes where unspeakable, I can't really speak about them.

But I will anyway, because of the urgency of the situation. It seems that a few people have "those new high tech solar-powered dryers" installed. Now, since anything solar-powered must obviously be created by satanists, you already have your first clue. But it turned out to be even worse than that.



PLEASE HAVE ALL CHILDREN UNDER 21 LEAVE THE ROOM.











HAVE ALL CHILDREN UNDER 21 LEFT THE ROOM YET?








OKAY, I'LL ASSUME YOU'VE HAD ALL CHILDREN UNDER 21 REMOVED FROM THE ROOM. TAKE A DEEP BREATH NOW.


It turned out that they had installed c********! Right out there, in broad daylight, c********! Lowering all of our land values by making us look like some kind of negro ghetto or wetback "reconquista" slum! How dare they! C********!

Fellow patriots, freedom isn't free. It comes only at the cost of etneral vigilence! Keep a watch on your nieghbours backyards, for even those you trust, might, when you let your guard down, put up the backyard clothes-drying device that shall not be named.


P.S., oh right, the bushes. Don't look at me. I only buy recently built homes where bushes have not had time to grow.

[Nobar King]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Sister M&M, I have had a longstanding ROW with my neighbor over the height of his bushes. They're so bushy that I can't even see the sun on some days.

Since he's on my south this makes it a big problem. During winter the bushes are so high that the sun never hits my house.

The city's municipal code states that bushes must be trimmed if they create so much shade on a neighbor's yard so as to be a nuisance, and they are in this case. Each time I ask my neighbor he laughs at me and tells me that the reason that he planted the bushes in the first place was to drive me from my home. What a JERK!! I have cctv installed, and got video of him saying this, but we were too far away for the audio to pick anything up. Still, it does show the neighbor peeping his head in thru the bush to spy on my yard when I'm out there.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. The code inspector won't respond to my letters anymore. They're not interested in bush height or thickness. If I could get you to come by on inspection day and talk to my neighbor that might have more influence than when I talk to him.

Please let me know if you would be willing to do this.

NK

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Don't worry, Brother Nobar. Every bush in Freehold has been inspected and if your neighbor's wife or gardener can't do a good trimming job, there's a very good chance of permanent removal.

[JennyD]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Sister M&M, you were no doubt pleased when you came to The Monthly Visitor and saw that every single bush on the property is neatly trimmed, and the surrounding area completely free of any stubble or other debris.

I try not to be boastful, but I do take extra special care of all the bushes at the Visitor. If Juan, my musky Latino gardener, is not up to the task, then I take shears in hand and carve a lovely topiary!

Of course, I never shape them into animal topiaries; we'd not want anyone confusing one of the bushes for an idol! No, I carve spirals, rods, circles, and other Godly geometric shapes. Why, I even carved one into a circle meeting God's definition once, and THAT was a challenge! (Pi = 3.)

Sister, there is NOTHING I won't do for some well-groomed bush!

[Talitha]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

It never fails to amaze me how many so-called True Christian(tm) Ladies allow their Bushes to go untended for so long.
It doesn't take much effort to give a weekly trim, or if your busy schedule doesn't allow you can always get the Gardener to do it for you.

An untrimmed Bush is the sign of an UnGodly mind, that's what I've always said.

[SUV]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I really must keep my bush better trimmed. Is this perhaps why Pastor Kenneth left me?

If so, I must say he had some nerve. Just look at his "before and after" pictures:

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

What shocks me is that if you have even just one bush, why not give it extra attention? That's how God spoke to Moses! I would love, love, LOVE to have a burning bush! Yes, I talk to the Lord all the time and He to me just like He talks to all of us, but if He ever decides to talk to me through my bush, I want to make sure it looks great for Him!

[Sister Rebecca]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I purposely keep my own bush (I only have the one) neatly trimmed and proper.
I can't imagine any woman not wanting her bush nice and pretty for her husband. I mean, isn't that the one thing we should always do? Please our husbands of course! If a trimmed bush is what it takes then so be it. Come on! It isn't that difficult to do. A little snip there, a little snip here. Makes the whole thing so much more attractive, don't you think? A messy bush is just a disgrace. No sense in it. None at all, I tell you!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Sister Mary Maria, I'm an old hand at pruning, myself. My fiancee loves the way I keep hers (and mine) all tidy and attractive. She especially likes the compliments she gets from the mailman, who always seems to arrive as she's descending her lengthy front steps. He says it's the best bush in the borough!

If I make it to Freehold for a visit and you know of any bushes that need to be groomed a bit, let me know. I'd be happy to lend a hand!

[SUV]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I understand that some Ladies keep theirs like this:



Dora Denkins did, too

[Wide-Open]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

May I also remind the ladies that their mailbox should be easy to attend to for the postman - I mean, he's not going to ring twice is he?

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[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

May I also remind the ladies that their mailbox should be easy to attend to for the postman - I mean, he's not going to ring twice is he?

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An excellent point, Mr. Open! The mailman can't make his delivery if he can't find your box!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Mrs Bathfire has quite a large box bush. Normally it is well trimmed but a week or so back, I noted that it had a large crack, so I left it whilst considering what to do. Mrs Bathfire confessed that she had been tidying up in the garden and pushed something into it and, in her words, “The whole thing just opened up!” She can be quite careless sometimes. If Sister M&M is on a tour of inspection, and requires confirmation, I would urge her to ask Mrs Bathfire to show her her crack.