[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Spring Heeled Jack, you insane lunatic. Stop this foolishness at once! Sure, our town isn't perfect, but our problems aren't going to be fixed by some insane person in a Halloween costume running around at night! The best thing we can do for this city is to observe and report: if you see something suspicious you call the police and let them deal with it. What you're doing is just as illegal as what the people you are fighting against are doing.

As an esteemed member of this town's media I will work day and night to find your true identity and out you to the public. If you had any decency what so ever you would take off that mask at once and cease this nonsense!

If you're unhappy with the way things are run in this town you should vote for Officer Richards like the rest of us, change will come soon enough.

[Felicity]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

@Ofc. Don W. Richards My father says he will vote for you!

[Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Dear Spring Heeled Jack,

Our previous Sheriff has been a disaster

I couldn't agree more. I have not been in Freehold for that long but I am certain the current Sherrif is completely incompetent.

After dusk the pimps and the drug peddlers and the gang members take over the streets of our fair town. And what has Sheriff Newcome done about it? Well it feels like he's been looking the other way. Since he took office murders, rapes, car and pie cooling on the window sill theft, and drug dealing are all up ten fold in this community.

Really? So far Freehold seemed quite peaceful to me. Thank you for the warning, it will make me more careful. And I did notice some suspiciously behaving Mexicans near the Church last Sunday.

To which the Devil replied, "Discouragement. Discouragement is my most useful tool because once a person becomes discouraged all of my tools become useful."

This is very true. This is also why I am proud to be an American as America has always brought hope and peace to those who needed it.

For the last two weeks I've been on the street, shrouded by darkness, lurking in the back alleys; looking for trouble. Last week I took out a crack house on Birch Street and just two nights ago I nabbed two street toughs robbing a woman.

That is impressive! Be careful not to break God's laws though. You would not want to lose your express ticket to Heaven.

How are you funding this enterprise? As I understand it crime fighting equipment can be quite expensive. If you would need more money just let me know. We could discuss it over dinner, my treat of course.

If you're with us and you win this election and prove you're going to clean up the streets

I am convinced Sherrif Don W. Richards will become the Sheriff we all deserve in Freehold!

Yours in Christ,

Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

As many will agree, it is quiet in Freehold because one man carries the torch for the American way. That man is Ofc. Richards.
He is a man governed not only by the slack jawed secular laws but by the unquestionable laws of God Himself. What other man would suspect a person walking the streets on a Sunday morning? Not a calick cop, they would claim the person went to Church the night before. No, in a town like Freehold where everyone is a Baptist, Sundays are completely reserved for Church. Being Ofc. Richards is a Baptist, he knows this. So when on patrol on a Sunday morning, and he sees a person walking, he knows the person is nothing but trouble. He springs into action, completely subduing the perpetrator (or is it 'actor'?)
Ofc. Richards is not swayed by the lies these miscreant tell him. On the extreme rare occasion of a mis-understanding, it is not Ofc. Richards fault as God always sorts them out.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

I've been a long standing advocate of active rehabilitation of criminals into decent people.

I think there's massive potential in putting prisoners to (unpaid) work in local businesses, where they will scrub floors, stock shelves, and move heavy items around.

Officer, wonderful idea though that is, don't you worry that it will take jobs away from hardworking American imbeciles and dimwits? They may have no future, but at least they are earning their own keep and contributing at the Newsprint Tither level instead of sucking at the welfare teat.

Why not put those prisoners to work on jobs Mexicans do, like picking crops in the hot sun or scrubbing septic tanks? Then the Mexicans won't have work, and will go back to Mexico. Two birds, one stone!

Officer Richards,

I want to believe that you're going to be the best man for this job, especially after all those times you've helped me in the past, but after enduring the last 10 years under our current Sheriff I don't feel a sliver of hope. Our previous Sheriff has been a disaster and we as a town have had to sit back in terror as failed policy after failed policy have torn this community apart.

After dusk the pimps and the drug peddlers and the gang members take over the streets of our fair town.

Light-Loafered Jack -

Was it you I saw prancing about Jenkem Flats all in multicolored Spandex that left nothing whatsoever to the imagination? I'm so relieved to know you're real, I thought I was having another flashback from a horrifying incident in my truck stop ministry, when a gaggle of homosexual bicyclists all arrived at the truck stop where I was introducing three truckers to my friend Jesus and . . . No, I still can't talk about it.

You know perfectly well that the only trouble that neighborhood has to offer is that group of Negro bucks that Brother Nobar filmed walking their pit bulls and smoking their "doobies" recently, and Miss Shawneledee, the young "lady" with the tight jeans always at the corner down the street from Nobar.

So stop pretending that Freehold is a cesspool of crime; Jenkem Flats is hardly a cesspool. (I understand the sewer has finally been installed.)

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Spring Heeled Jack:

I'm not sure which Freehold you're talking about, as I keep Freehold, Iowa, running like a well-oiled machine.

It's safe to walk the streets at night here because I and a band of my fellow True Christian Officers of the Law are out there putting criminal scum behind bars.

You had better keep your fantasies of being a homosexual superhero in a spandex bikini behind closed doors, or else you too will find yourself locked behind bars for disturbing the peace, interfering with police business, and likely molesting small children.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Spring Heeled Jack:

I'm not sure which Freehold you're talking about, as I keep Freehold, Iowa, running like a well-oiled machine.

It's safe to walk the streets at night here because I and a band of my fellow True Christian Officers of the Law are out there putting criminal scum behind bars.

You had better keep your fantasies of being a homosexual superhero in a spandex bikini behind closed doors, or else you too will find yourself locked behind bars for disturbing the peace, interfering with police business, and likely molesting small children.

I'm disappointed to hear this, but I can't say I'm surprised. Who's paying you off? The drug dealers? The pimps? The corrupt bankers? I hope they gave you a lot of donuts and cheeseburgers in exchange for your blind eye. I guess this means you won't be taking me up on my offer. Too bad. The streets of this town are riddled with crime and someone has to clean up the trash. It's a shame that the citizens of this town have to rely on a masked hero to protect them.

You're sinking in quicksand, Officer Richards, and I'm offering you a hand. You can reach out and take it or you can refuse and seal your own fate. The choice is yours.

This won't be the last time you hear from me. I'll be out there every night patrolling the streets, and my offer still stands. You'll see me on the rooftops, in the back alleys, in the shadows; but when you go to take a second glance I'll be gone.

Good day, Officer.

-The Spring Heeled Jack

[Felicity]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

@Spring Heeled Jack Why are you not nicer to Ofc. Don W. Richards?

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Nobody's paying me, except the good taxpayers of Freehold whom it is my responsibility to protect and serve.

By your own admission, you are roaming the streets at night looking for trouble. You can bet your bottom dollar that if any of my boys spot you lurking in the alleys, let alone climbing on somebody's roof, they'll have your queer ass in handcuffs faster than you can say your own safe-word.

The only menace the True Christians of Freehold have to fear is YOU.

[Spring Heeled Jack]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

Nobody's paying me, except the good taxpayers of Freehold whom it is my responsibility to protect and serve.

By your own admission, you are roaming the streets at night looking for trouble. You can bet your bottom dollar that if any of my boys spot you lurking in the alleys, let alone climbing on somebody's roof, they'll have your queer ass in handcuffs faster than you can say your own safe-word.

The only menace the True Christians of Freehold have to fear is YOU.

The only way your boys would ever find the motivation to cash me down is if I glued a pizza to my back.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some crime to go fight. I might not being paid for it, I might not get kick backs from the drug dealers and the whores, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed at what I see.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Ofc. Don W. Richards Running for Sheriff 2010

The only way your boys would ever find the motivation to cash me down is if I glued a pizza to my back.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some crime to go fight. I might not being paid for it, I might not get kick backs from the drug dealers and the whores, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed at what I see.

If I saw a Spandex-clad prancing pansy looking at me from the mirror, I know I'd have the decency to be ashamed.

Why don't you?