Since Negroes ruined the great sport of boxing, American males have looked elsewhere to satisfy their God-given bloodlust. A popular alternative is MMA—Mixed Martial Arts—which has elements of boxing and wrestling as well as other fighting styles and which is now advertised everywhere from buses to candy wrappers. But what is it really? Nothing more than gay sex with a sadomasochistic edge. MMA should stand for Many Mangled Anuses.

Like gay porn studios, MMA leagues are organized by weight. Heavyweight fights feature burly bears, daddies, and muscle studs; middleweights are your typical jocks, while the lower divisions are dominated by skinny twinks. No matter his tastes, a young man struggling with same-sex urges will find something on the card to stir his tallywhacker.

Fights are hyped at press events in the weeks leading up to a show. The brawlers make Youtube movies full of thinly-veiled innuendos, promising to own their opponents’ asses and rip them open. On the day before, there is a weigh-in, where they appear in their underwear so everyone can slobber over their muscles. Most dehydrate themselves like pro bodybuilders, causing every vein, ab, delt, pec, and trap to stand out. It is common at such events for fighters to kiss and rub oil on each other.

As they step into the ring, the referee tells them to protect themselves at all times, instantly evoking images of condoms slipping over penises. Each bout begins with a “feeling-out process” where the men flit around and shoot burning looks of lust across the ring. They may punch and kick—but because MMA fighters are terrible boxers, it looks more like two Chelsea queens slapping each other after Kris spilled appletini on Enrique’s purse.

Once a fight goes to the ground, it becomes indistinguishable from sodomy. Announcers talk excitedly about the mount, who’s on top and bottom, and how the performers will look for openings, stuff each other, and try to finish. A popular move is the rear naked choke, in which one fighter strangles the other while thrusting into his backside, simulating the dangerous asphyxiative practices that homos use to make anal sex less painful. Another is the triangle, which I can’t even describe here. Ultimately, a bout is won by taking your opponent to the ground and “pounding him out” or by forcing him into submission, a technique known as “tapping.” Yes, tapping, as in “I be finna tap dat ass.” Ghetto thugs use the same slang to refer to their sexual conquests.

MMA has its roots in the ancient Greek pankration, whose practitioners fought nude and buggered away in frenzied orgies between rounds, and took its present-day form in Japan, the most perverted nation on Earth. While there are openly gay fighters, the majority live in a laughably transparent closet. Fans with an IQ higher than their shoe size—about 40% of them—know this, yet will fly into a rage at any mention of their sport’s homoeroticism. All of the women in MMA are dykes. Straight performers are at risk for catching AIDS as well, as an MMA fight is an extremely bloody affair.

There is even a popular shemale fighter called Fallon Fox, now the toast of the transgender world after concussing his last woefully outmatched opponent and shattering bones in her face. Lovely, huh? Although Fox, né Boyd Burton, could probably end your life in one punch, criticizing him or even meekly suggesting he try fighting people of his own size and sex is considered “transphobic.” This comes at a time of unprecedented furor over domestic violence and misogyny in professional sports. Is it just me, or does it seem like every famous trans person is a violent sociopath?

Do you think I’m exaggerating a little bit? Check out Dakota Cochrane, an MMA fighter who actually appeared in gay pornography. That’s like saying you do both NASCAR and auto racing. I can just imagine some pimple-faced loser in a Tapout shirt sitting down to watch Dakota fight, then gradually realizing it’s one of his other videos. How long do you think it would take to connect the dots? It wouldn’t happen when the lube came out, since fighters frequently smear themselves in petroleum jelly so they’re harder to pin down. Maybe he’d get a clue when Dakota lay on the ground and threw both legs over his head, pointing his puckered sphincter directly at his rival’s face… nope, that’s called “pulling guard.”

I guess he might figure it out when the two grapplers retired in a gooey, sticky embrace and gently sucked each other’s tongues, but by that point, he’d be too busy cleaning up his own mess to notice.

Here are some more reasons not to watch this garbage:

It’s fake. The fights are choreographed and the outcomes predetermined, making it no different from WWE wrestling. Telltale signs are when a fighter is “knocked out” by the wimpiest blow or submits without struggle as soon as an opponent starts pulling on his arm. Laughable.

It’s racist. While not as bad as boxing, MMA leagues teem with blacks, Mexicans, and even black Mexicans, promoting the myth that white people are athletically inferior to muds. The most popular “white” performers are Ronda Rousey, a lesbian, and Conor McGregor, an Irishman. If the Irish are white, I’m Shaka Zulu.

It’s Satanic. Among the styles being “mixed” are Eastern disciplines like karate and judo, which are based in Buddhism. Fighters who train in these dark arts invite demons to enter and possess them. Many fans are inspired to try martial arts themselves, leading to their spiritual downfall.

It’s un-Biblical. Mixed martial artists are covered in tattoos, some to the extent that they are no longer recognizable as human. God clearly bans tattoos in Leviticus 19:28. He also hates pride and arrogance, yet MMA trash talk consists of nothing else.

It’s expensive. An Ultimate Fighting pay per view costs $60. Why not spend the money on a beautiful Kinkade lampshade instead?

Replies:
Faith_Machine (19-01-2014 06:13 PM): You gotta be kidding right? MMA is a sport which comes from different martial arts. Did you guys research this topic? Close, but no cigar. MMA stands for "mixed martial arts," and this often confuses ...
see_the_light (19-01-2014 06:18 PM): By their own admission, they thought it would be "hot," and would help them recruit more heterosexual youth into the gay lifestyle. Those perverts are always trying. I remember a time when I was ...
Faith_Machine (19-01-2014 06:24 PM): I try to avoid street fights with gay predators as much as possible. The last thing I want is to get their blood in open cuts on my knuckles. ...
see_the_light (19-01-2014 06:32 PM): I try to avoid street fights with gay predators as much as possible. The last thing I want is to get their blood in open cuts on my knuckles. That's where the baseball bat comes handy. You just beat ...
Mary Etheldreda (19-01-2014 09:03 PM): This makes it less gaysexual as it is because of..? Good question, Mr. Alban. This is the thing these Spiritually Walking Dead simply cannot understand. Sport doesn't make something gay or not, it's ...
Virginia Day Templeton (20-08-2015 05:41 PM): Go43bPQEbEs ...
Show all 26 replies.