Brethren and Sisters,
Mark, my eldest son is at 19 years of age now betrothed to some girl to enter the Godly Matrimony and we are hoping to gather some funds to send the young couple to a honeymoon, where they can start their conjugal relations and hopefully a productive life of begetting. To help my son overcome the repulsion towards this act that is most revolting but ordered by God (Genesis 1:28) I’m hoping to send the newlyweds to an attractive location that would help Mark overcome his natural instincts towards Ladies. What better time to do this than Valentine’s day! Hence, I searched the Interwebs for destinations that would not exhibit nightlife, excessive extra-marital fornication or – worst of all – sodomy. You can imagine my joy when I discovered a chain of Islands in the Caribbean called the “Virgin Islands”. There are apparently both British (no way!) and American (much better!) Virgin Islands: a place where the act of penetration is replaced by admiration of Jesus and His Creations!
Song of Solomon 6:11
I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished, and the pomegranates budded.
This feels almost too good to be true!
Naturally, it is.
1. The name
The name of this place is most misleading. Prominent Creation Scientists helped me to extract some HIDDEN MESSAGES from this apprently innocent geographical name. As expected, the Enemy has been at work there. Ladies are strongly recommended to cover the following images with pieces of black opaque paper attached to the computer screen with duct tape.
Please do this before you read further! The first offensive image is below!
This must mean that somewhere somehow the epithelium of the anal orifice has become a part of the Islands’ everyday life! How?! We must search deeper to unravel that. At this point we know that the fate of the Islanders is not going to be good!
Which perished at Endor: they became as dung for the earth
The second offensive image can be seen below!
A connection to California, apparently! Not good!
At this point I became alarmed and decided to study this potential resort in detail. After many hours of searching I was able to find a map.
You can see that I have highlighted Guana Island. Now you may think that has something to do with guano, which is waterfowl dung in Papist Spanish, and it is; it is the feminine form of guano, the faeces of female waterfowl. This connects the map to our previous observations on dung and the epidermis at the end of the digestive channel. Is there more? Definitely, there is. Please, Ladies, if you have failed to use the black opaque paper and duct tape, now it is the time to start utilizing them. Below is the third offensive image. This one is the worst! It contains strong language and I am presenting it only to warn you that this Valentine’s Day, please, stay away from Virgin Islands. In fact, never ever contemplate going there!
3. Sodomy, inevitably…
Based on the above image, apparently, the US Virgins Islands advertise themselves for sodomistic tourism:
“We’re happy to do commitment ceremonies here, and local minister Ann-Marie Porter performs them. That’s to be expected on an island that’s so gay-friendly. It’s called Love City, after all,” smiles Kessock who commutes here daily from St. Thomas. “I’ve never had any problem at all on either island, and I’m an openly gay man.”
“Quiet acceptance has made things relatively easy for the local GLBT community, one local resident said. “St. Croix has a way of making you feel like ‘family’ very quickly, and that includes everyone.” As she spoke she pointed out a lesbian couple sipping lattés, and a local gay lawyer getting takeout coffee.
A WOMAN minister? Gay marriage ceremonies sanctified by the local false Christians? My son could see all kinds of depravity taking place around him. His soon-to-be woman would be immediately and irrevocably seduced by the muscular, heavy sodomistic women!
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
4. Are they even virgins?
My last hope was that the Island would at least live up to the expectations of its women being untouched by men. While our investigation could not actually go and look into the bedrooms of the Islanders we did ask Jesus for help and the Holy Spirit communicated us an idea to check the vital statistics of this lecherous place. Demographics! If the Islanders were virgins, they would not be able to produce offspring and the Island would not survive without immigration. Let us see:
- 10.31 births/1,000 population (2015 est.)
- 8.54 deaths/1,000 population (2015 est.)
- -7.67 migrant(s)/1,000 population (2015 est.)
Women are giving birth. This is per se (1 Timothy 2:15) acceptable but it makes this whole society a giant lie. Immigration? No, in fact, people are leaving, which is no wonder as there must be some decent people left over there who still can flee the fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Yes, it is a lie. Still, as unbiased Creation Scientists, it is time for us to consider alternative hypotheses, of which there is only one. Could these women be actually giving virgin births?
Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?
This union between God (via the Holy Ghost) and a woman produced Jesus who is God (John 10:30). However, if the Islanders claim this, they claim to be as high as God. That is blasphemy (colossians 3:8). This hypothesis fails. The hypothesis of this group of Islands being a nation of vile liars prevails.
Mark will be staying at a local guesthouse for his honeymoon and I’m sure he’ll be able to perform the conjugal act a couple of times each month to fulfill the Will of Jesus!
Bjorn Jensen (16-01-2016 02:05 PM): They are hamites also, aren't they? And don't forget that the U.S Virgin Islands used to be part of Godless Denmark ...
Faith_Machine (25-01-2016 10:14 AM): Hamites as far as the eye can see, brother. You couldn't get me to go there for all the money in the world. ...
James Hutchins (25-01-2016 03:39 PM): In the colder months, I'll often hop on my little G550 and visit an undeveloped third world country in the Caribbean to do a laying of hands and spread my Love of God around in vast eruptions of Thick ...
Show all 3 replies.