Snow White – A Values tale
By Des, a pious and deeply concerned True Christian man
Once upon a time there was a great land that God loved above all others, whose peoples were the wisest, most beautiful, most prosperous, and most pure in all the world. The kindly gentry watched over their holdings while the peasants sang happy tunes in the fields.
But dark forces soon turned their eyes upon the lands of their betters, envy prickling their wicked hearts, and they conspired to drag the great land down to their level so that they might feel exalted in comparison. And so they sent one from foreign lands to seize the throne.
The Black Prince had no right to take the crown, but legions of base and feral men called Demos kept the Black Prince secure on the throne for eight long and hellish years. The Black Prince delighted in evil and the destruction of the great land, dancing and cavorting as he threw open the borders to allow all manor of monster to stream in. He routinely stole from the rich and gave to the gaping, insatiable maw of the nightmarish fiend Welfarius. He cast the goodly men from their ancestral estates so that the unwashed peasants might occupy them and decrease property values. And to show the depths of his depravity he laughed and applauded as peasants sold the Dope and sodomized one another in the streets. The great land was in chaos.
Finally the good and just populace arose to overthrow the foreign and therefore illegal occupant of the thrown, for a great leader had emerged. Prince Donald, man of the people, fearless and wise as Solomon, rightfully took the throne. The people rejoiced.
Yet evil was still afoot. And so begins the tale of one young girl so damaged and maligned by the infernal reign of the Dark Prince. The tale of Snow White.
Snow White had been left an orphan eight years ago, her parents drained dry by the vampiric Welfarius. Snow was then remanded into custody of the state where she was forced to endured the horror of public school and made to suffer the humiliation of buying clothes off the rack. It was a horrid existence, and small wonder then that she sought the only reprise from the agony of existence she could find. Snow White turned to the Dope!
…a series of events which in hindsight were certainly the Hand of God at work…
The story would end there were it not for a series of events which in hindsight were certainly the Hand of God at work. For Snow White had came to the attention of an Evil Queen.
The Evil Queen held court in the stalls of Targetia, a land known for modest bargains. There the queen terrorized the inhabitants.
The Evil Queen was obsessively vain, so it was only a matter of time before dark forces would be invoked. One day the queen did just that.
“Magic Monitor in the stall. Aren’t I the hottest girl of all?” the queen asked a nefarious device known for giving harshly honest answers after posting a selfie. The response was fast behind.
sup_my_ninjas: lol wat?
NickleNick: Dude, ur a dude!
AspieGirl25: Hi Evil_Queen. I’m sorry, but aside from hermaphroditism, biologically you’re probably male, not female. I mean you could be xxyy syndrome or possibly mild Androgen insensitivity syndrome, but given the rareness of either I would suspect not. Please don’t think I am being dismissive of your feelings, but surely you have to understand that you will encounter some resistance due to cultural norms as well as objective biological evidence.
MarkD: @Evil_Queen. Geez M8, at least shave and buy a decent wig!
Cornerbox: You’re not even a girl, let alone a hot one. OMG, I met a real hottie last week, Raven hair, ruby lips, pale as bleached ivory. Snow White I think her name was. Totally hot!
sup_my_ninjas thinks Aspietard forgot to take her riddlin.
Rosenkrantz: All hot dog, no bun.
AspieGirl25: Hi sup_my_ninjas. I think you mean Ritalin, a CNS stimulant used in treating ADHD, not Autism Spectrum disorders. Aspies are not‘retarded’ and many have higher than average IQ.
PineapplePete: I need to bleach my eyes. Beard stubble, chest hair, tube top,miniskirt? Seriously?
sup_my_ninjas: Only a tard wud kno it wuz Ritalin.
RebeccaMorgan: I just turned 18 and I’m all alone at home. Anyone wanna chat?
RebeccaMorgan has left the room
Mod4 has kicked RebeccaMorgan from the room.
Cornerbox: Damn bots.
AspieGirl25: sup_my_ninjas. Now you’re being rude. Aspies are not retarded, and retarded is kind of offensive anyhow, which is why decent people don’t use it anymore. Please stay on topic, okay? Thanks.
ElGuapo:@Evil_Queen. I hope this is a joke. I understand how some people feel they were born into the wrong body, but I would hope that even they have the common sense to know how insensitive the net is. Wear what you want. Be what you want. But don’t expect the net to validate your feelings.
sup_my_ninjas: the cow says mooo
PineapplePete: @ElGuapo. Hear, hear!
sup_my_ninjas: the sheep says baaa
sup_my_ninjas: The Aspietard says durpa durpa durpata durpey dur
sup_my_ninjas has left the room
Mod4 has kicked sup_my_ninjas from the room.
AspieGirl25: Thanks, Mod4.
Cornerbox: About damn time.
ninjas_in_da_house has joined the room.
ninjas_in_da_house: lol fag
And so it went. But the Evil Queen had had enough, for the magic monitor had revealed a dark and terrible secret. For this was no ordinary Evil Queen like the one in England. This was an EVIL DRAG QUEEN!
The Evil Drag Queen was outraged that the voices of the monitor had refused to validate his perverse delusion, so in retaliation he evoked the foul rite of Odium Dicto, also known as Speechus Hateus, a terrible spell commissioned by the Black Prince to silence the voices of anyone daring to speak openly and honestly, and for no other purpose, ever.
The Evil Drag Queen scoured all corners of the monitor for mention of one Snow White,eventually finding a picture and tracing it to its source. Then he turned to the darkest and most vile horrors of the magic monitor. The Dark Web. Therein he located a contract killer known as the Huntsman. But the Evil Drag Queen was unversed in the mechanics of the Dark Web and did not know to place his bit coin in an escrow account pending completion of the task. For not all of the denizens of the Deep Web are upstanding, and some might for instance show you a picture of an exceptionally attractive Korean girl of university age and offer to deliver her to you for $15,000 in bit coin only to disappear with all your money. And good luck tracking them down, too.Everything is anonymous there, and you will find no sympathy whatsoever. But you learn from your painful and costly mistakes. Oh yes you do!
Now the Huntsman,being one of those untrustworthy villains, failed to make good on his contract. For while he located Snow White and led her into the woods with the promise of Dope, he simply stole her handbag and left her to the elements.
For days Snow wandered in the forest, subsiding on mushrooms and toad sweat for food and drink. Then, just as her situation seemed hopeless, she heard a merry tune over a hill.
Do blow, do blow, then off to work we go.
Call it crack or call it smack, take a snort and don’t look back
Marching powder to candy your nose, burns your eyes and curls your toes.
Do blow do blow do blow!
It was a strange sight to behold. Seven pint sized men came trouncing over the hill toward her, each clutching the buttocks of the one before him.
There was Doc, who was not a doctor all all, but whose full name was Doceem Abdul Hatemerica, who funded terrorism with the money he made selling the Dope.
There was Grumpy who was always mad because he was an atheist.
There was Dopey and Sleepy who used as much of the Dope as they sold.
There was Darkey who spent his welfare checks on gold chains and malt liquor.
There was Hot Karl, a Communist pyromaniac who threw mixed drinks at buildings.
And there was Filthy Sanchez, an illegal immigrant whose last bath was when he swam across the border 8 years ago.
…they sold the Dope to young boys and lured them into disgusting acts of gay anal sodomy sex…
Together they were the Seven Midgets, coming from the abandoned mine where they grew and processed and refined the Marijuana. They claimed to be miners which sounds like minors. With their short stature they used this to sneak into public schools where they sold the Dope to young boys and lured them into disgusting acts of gay anal sodomy sex.
“What have we here, a yucky girl? Asked Doc. “Why I had rather bed a squirrel.”
“I do agree,I must concede.” nodded Hot Karl. “That’s not a place to plant my seed.”
“Oh, I am so happy to see you!” cried Snow “A man brought me out here days ago, telling me we were going to snort lines of the Reefer. But when I turned around he was gone. If you will let me stay with you I will cook and clean and do all of the chores around the house in exchange for room, board, and just a little bit of the Dope.”
The midgets huddled and conferred.
“I say that we use the lass and pay her with a little grass.” said Doc.
“I’ve little use for the female tool, but perhaps we use her as a mule.”suggested Grumpy.
“Whoa man, I’m like really wasted. I’m so baked I should be basted.” slurred Dopey.
“I think perhaps I just OD’ed, for in my pants it seems I’ve peed.”yawned Sleepy.
“Dat cracka ho kin fetch ma drink, den rinse dem greens off it da sink.” rapped Darkey.
“As a Commie with her I’ll share my work load to be fair.” chimed in Hot Karl.
“Even stupid senoritas can slice the lime for margaritas.” offered Filthy Sanchez.
“Then it’s settled. It’s in the bag. From now on she shall be our hag.”announced Doc with a clap of his hands. The tiny troupe led Snow to their single-wide one bedroom trailer in the woods.
Each day at the crack of noon the seven deviant munchkins would crawl from the dog pile of sweaty naked bodies on their shared bed, shoot a few syringes of the Dope, and make their way to the mine. And Snow would re-stuff and mend their bitten pillows, refill the jars of K-Y jelly, wash the dishes, clean the house, prepare mini quiches, and huff the roaches of the Dope left lying around. She did so much of the Dope that she began to hallucinate that birds and rabbits and other forest creatures helped her with her chores. When evening fell and the diminutive deviants returned home they would stuff her bra with bags of the Dope and send her into town to drop it off.
Each night she trekked into town and made her way to Avenue D, down past the pawnshop where if you knew the right phrase would gain you entry to the room where a nice Russian man named Koyla could for around $18,000 deliver you a China girl even though he mostly deals in Ukrainian women. Past the shop was an abandoned storefront with an alley between it and a corner bar with topless dancers. In the alley is where the bald guy with tiny, close-set eyes and a large boil near his neckline pushes the Dope that Snow delivered. Little did she knowthat the Evil Drag Queen was even then plotting her demise.
Back in the stalls of Targetia, the Evil Drag Queen had discovered the deception of the Huntsman, but he still had not learned the escrow trick, though if he had he would notice that people like the Huntsman and Buyhotchixhere would suddenly clam up and not answer your private messages.
The Evil Drag Queen had a plan. He uploaded the picture of Snow White he had found and requested information as to her whereabouts.
“This is the tramp that trumps my stump. I want to send her to the dump!”
uppity_ninjas: lol wat?
Evil_Drag_Queen has left the room.
It took weeks, but eventually the Evil Drag Queen’s plan bore fruit. A boy scout had spotted Snow White on a hiking trail in the woods and entering a trailer. The Evil Drag Queen put his plan into action. Taking an apple, he injected it with a syringe full of the marijuana like he heard Willy Nelson does. Only he used TEN TIMES the normal dose! Then he donned a gray wig and cane and headed into the woods.
Finding the trailer,the Evil Drag Queen adopted the posture of a little old lady and knocked. A bleary-eyed Snow answered the door.
“Hello deary,how do you do? I’ve a lovely treat for you.” said the Evil Drag Queen, offering her the apple.
“Why Grandma,what big muscular arms you have!” exclaimed Snow.
“Wrong story,luv, now here you go. Eat an apple, don’t be slow.”
“And what a hairy chest you have.”
“Stay focused, child, have a munchy apple that is sweet and crunchy.”
“But I just had a bag of Funyuns. My, what a prominent Adam’s apple you have.”
“Just have yourself a little bite. I think you’ll find it a delight.” theEvil Drag Queen persisted.
“Well, maybe.If I keep it here the midgets will make an appletini out of it anyhow.”
With that Snow took a bite from the apple and promptly fell into a dope induced coma. The Evil Drag Queen screeched and danced with glee, then dashed out the door and returned to Targetia where he celebrated by molesting a little boy who wandered unattended into the stall.
The midgets returned that evening to find Snow unconscious on the floor.
“Out like alight, the silly twit. Now who will clean and cook and knit?”yelled Doc.
“Laudy, she be on da flo, like dem bums down on skid row!” said Darkey.
“Who will praise my dialectic? She was always quite ephectic.” cried HotKarl.
“Looks like someone rang her gong. Can we use her as a bong?” asked Grumpy.
Merlot and gay anal sodomy sex
Deciding to use her as a door mat to wipe their feet, the midgets dragged her outside,then drowned the loss of their housemaid and drug mule in Merlot and gay anal sodomy sex. And so Snow White remained until one day Prince Donald rode by on his mission to rid the land of monsters and foreign invaders.
“Yon fair maid beyond your doorway. What befell her, now do say!” Prince Donald demanded.
“We think she used way too much dope, and now she stoned like a heliotrope.”Called Doc from the trailer.
Upon hearing this Prince Donald leaped from his mount, his golden mane shining in the sun. He drew Snow White from the ground, raised her face toward his,and delivered a sharp slap to her cheek. Snow’s eyes fluttered open.
“He smacked her like a spoiled brat! Why did we never think of that?” exclaimed the midgets in unison.
Prince Donald gazed into her eyes, smiled and asked.
“Have you heard the news so good, of our savior, nailed to wood?”
“What?”asked a groggy Snow. “Why no, no I haven’t. Amazing really, what with about ninety percent of the population knowing about it. And that one day each winter to celebrate it that as it turns out is celebrated for almost the entire month. And I never noticed those buildings on virtually every street corner throughout the land, or read anything on our currency, or turned on the television on any Sunday. I mean you would think that I would have better chances of winning the lottery than not having heard about this, but somehow myself and doubtless millions of others in the land have not,”
“Then let me witness onto you, of the gospels four, all true.
Of Testament both old and new, and why to never trust a Jew.”
For three days did Prince Donald bear witness to Snow White, and on the third day she was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. And Prince Donald summoned a minister. They rushed Snow to the nearest river where she was baptized and born again!
They married that spring. Prince Donald had the Evil Drag Queen dragged before them in chains and burned at the stake along with the seven midgets. And Prince Donald rid the lands of monsters and invaders and sealed the borders to protect the anal integrity of all little boys. The gentry returned to their homes and celebrated with a fine banquet while the peasants returned to their cozy hovels and dined on fried chicken and watermelon. Order was once again restored to the great land that God loved so much.
Prince Donald and Snow White lived happily ever after, until Snow died from a prolapsed uterus 10 years later after bearing Prince Donald his 12th son.
She was 25.
Nobar King (23-08-2017 07:35 PM): It was pretty good but I skipped all the way to the end I'm glad it had a happy ending. ...
WilliamJenningsBryan (23-08-2017 09:05 PM): I followed most of it, but it didn't say whether the Evil Queen wore pant suits. As to Targetia, I believe they are the ones that permitted any gender to come into their stalls, but that wasn't made altogether ...
Des (23-08-2017 09:20 PM): As to Targetia, I believe they are the ones that permitted any gender to come into their stalls, but that wasn't made altogether clear. It was based loosely on that, Brother. I was just thinking of ...
crazyjack13 (01-02-2018 08:01 PM): What a wholesome bedtime story to put my children to sleep with. ...
Basilissa (01-02-2018 08:04 PM): What a wholesome bedtime story to put my children to sleep with. I know, right? Every single paragraph has at least one gem of True Christian(tm) brilliance in it. You might want to read Brother Des' ...
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