Minorities are a minority for a reason. The reason is that they failed to go forth and multiply as, or to the extent, required. This is usually because they are ugly, unhygienic, weird, lazy, unintelligent and inherently godless, which combined with speaking some unintelligible tongue, makes finding a “a helpmate mete for them” extremely difficult and thus procreation all but impossible.
In my position as Pastor for Diversity, I am naturally interested in anything that affects, directly or indirectly, the minorities of this world as all too often, not realizing that we live in a democracy, they seem to think that they have some sort of right to tell the rest of us “normal” people what we should do. However, they seem somehow to not notice that we “normal” people, who are numerous as the stars in the firmament, are seen as oppressors by virtue of our majority vote that is guided by God Himself… Amazing!
Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not against diversity – I know a lot of the 1%ers who, by definition are a minority, and yet you don’t see them whining about “rights for 1%ers” or parading loudly and violently on the streets demanding that we should believe black is white, or that someone with a violent stutter should be a 911 operator. No, they use the quiet reasoned persuasion that Jesus approves of, and in general terms, it is they who have shaped America and proven true the saying “In America, anyone can become president.”
Landover’s Office of Pastor for Diversity has been held by a line of stellar pastors, of whom I am but the latest. I see myself mainly as “keeping the seat warm for my successor” rather than the tenured recipient of a huge honor and stipend.
One of my duties is to attempt to foster relations with those who are, in some way, “under-represented in the congregation” and whose presence will test us, our faith and our title of “God’s Favorite Church” and thus bring us all nearer to God. And it is God Himself who directs my steps.
It was in this light, and in spite of a dream in which 2 catfish were walking backwards across the Wilderness, that I decided to have my faithful retainer “Boy” drive me to a building that calls itself a “church” – a “church” that also has a Pastor for Diversity. I will not mention any details for fear that an unruly mob, fueled by righteous indignation, raze this den of sin to the ground.
The visit lasted a little over 3 minutes. The pastor welcomed me with
-“Ah, Pastor Bathfire! I’m so please to see you. Our ministry, is one of the most challenging, don’t you think?”
I thanked him but added,
– “No. Landover’s congregation know where I am, and I know where they are. What do you see as a challenge?”
I was quite surprised when he replied
-“At the moment, my concern is enabling the LGBTQ+ community to feel more of an important part within God’s love for us all.”
-“There aren’t any of them in Landover, and that’s how we like it. We like it because God likes it.” I replied.
He seemed surprised,
– “Are you sure, Pastor Bathfire?”
– “I’m Landover’s Pastor for Diversity. Who else would know if there were abominations, spreading disease and discord in the congregation? I’m sure that, like me, you don’t want people going round saying “That there Pastor at ____ church, he’s trying to fill his church with ass-bandits and drag-queens… ”
Then came the blow…
-“Pastor Bathfire! My personal pronoun is not “He”, it is “She” and that is what my husband calls me. I would like you to apologize!”
I managed to gasp out
– “You’re a woman! … Dressed as a man… and you have a husband? Is he an abomination?”
And before the world started to spin and go black I heard.
– “If it is any business of yours, “Pastor for Diversity”, my husband is a “She.”
I awoke with a cry on the couch in my own blessed home some hours later. It appears that “Boy” had been in the church’s kitchen eating brownies with one of his kind and had heard my cry and saved my soul and probably parts of my anatomy from significant damage.
It was then that the significance of the “Catfish” dream became apparent. The two catfish were Jesus and I. We were walking backwards so that we could keep in sight for as long as possible Landover and its truth and guidance as we approached Sodom and Gomorrah. Of course “Landover is a metaphor for “the Celestial City” and I swear I will never disregard such a dream again.
1. There is diversity, and then there is “diversity”. The first I have described third paragraph of the Preamble. The second one is a hijacked word stolen by Satan and given to his minions it describes a frightening and often scary world akin to those created by H P Lovecraft (whose books you are forbidden to read.).
2. Dreams are messages from God (often)
3. Other “churches” should not be entered. If they are not “of Satan” they are heretical.
4. Have a private detective do background checks on every stranger you have to meet.
5. Trust in God, He’ll not give you more than you can bear, although, at times it might seem otherwise.
Joanna Lytton-Vasey (21-02-2020 09:01 PM): Landover’s Office of Pastor for Diversity has been held by a line of stellar pastors, of whom I am but the latest. I see myself mainly as “keeping the seat warm for my successor” rather ...
Ezekiel Bathfire (22-02-2020 12:00 AM): Oh, Pastor Bathfire, Sir, please reassure us that you have no plans to retire anytime soon? My soul is at the disposal of The Lord. As to the pronoun business, despite having read your report multiple ...
Show all 2 replies.