The Landover Baptist Church Forum

The Landover Baptist Church Forum (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumindex.php)
-   Landover Baptist Lounge (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=23)
-   -   Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=244)

SUV 09-29-2006 02:40 PM

Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!! :devil:

SUV

Rain 09-29-2006 07:07 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain

Bobby-Joe 09-29-2006 08:33 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rain (Post 4814)
What to possibly give catlick 'relatives' other than a short sharp boot to Hell as He demands....Quite a hard decision!!

~Rain

Landover Christian Gifts sells a nice little idol of the Virgin Mary trampling the baby Jesus underfoot while the Pope worships her. There is an inscription on the base "The Adulation of the Whore of Babylon" really finishes the piece IMHO. I sent one to all my Catlicker relatives last Christmas. I had to send them the statue under a false name since they are still sore over that incident at my Aunt Catherine’s funeral.

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-29-2006 08:43 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera (Post 4748)
So that JESUS might see them and guide us with them.

I'll lead off: Everytime I gas up the Behemoth to go Shopping at the Mall, 45 miles away, I find that the Money I've brought to Shop with is so greatly diminished I often just end up having a McStudMuffin and coffee and heading Right back Home!

What is the Solution to this? I need to figure something out before Winter gets here because the tires are beginning to go bald, too, and God Hates "Bald" - why, it says so Right in the Bible!

Oh, JESUS, am I ever riding the horns of a dilemma!!! :devil:

SUV

You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!

SUV 09-29-2006 09:09 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.

SUV
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 4837)
You need to lift the Tail of the Beast and Face the Situation. First, get rid of the Behemoth an get a cheap Chinese moped. The tires will last forever because you can't ride it 45 miles and live, so just put it in the parlor and let guests use it as a barstool.

Then take the Greyhound Bus to town and find a small apartment behind a vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples.

I feel pretty good about being able to solve ALL of your problems at one go!


Pastor Al E Pistle 09-29-2006 09:35 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera (Post 4840)
Why, Pastor Al, I'm In Tears! Did my being (again) newly $avED wear off already, and now it's like I am some sort of lowly Luciferian???

Oh, certainly not! I was simply trying to get you off the Horns of that Dilemma which, being similar to a Unicorn, can't be too comfortable!

Or is this a hint you want me to go undercover on some sort of secret mission like Mrs. Judy O'Christian did that time she got the tattoo on her leg when she wore that mini-skirt?!

GRRRR! The thought of Judy O'Christian in a miniskirt is giving me the same sort of 'images' Rachael van Hellsing is famous for! STAND BY ME, JESUS!

Well now I simply don't know what to do. I suppose I'll wait to see if Pastor got this Revelation from Jesus or if it's because he's been out raiding eggnog stills again.
SUV

I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?

Daisy Mae Johnson 09-29-2006 09:40 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

SUV 09-29-2006 09:58 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 4844)
I'm not sure what you are on about. Wasn't my advice the best you heard here?

It was....Godly? Yea - Godly! GODLY! I Procalim to all the Heavens it was GODLY!!!!!

Except for the part about the "cheap Chinese moped." Then I'll have that slanty-eyed Hitonme running Right behind.

And now this about "vegan fast food joint so your food worries are over. You can rummage through their dumpster until spring brings more berries and apples."

Is it fermentable, like the berries and apples are?

Dear LORD! I am in such a Christmas tizzy I barely know what to do!

Bless you, Pastor, for continuing to look out for the "smallest and weakest amongst us." (I mean Hitonme. Please don't let him run after my Moped again!)

SUV

SUV 09-29-2006 09:59 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde (Post 4845)
Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

Bless your Spirit, Sister Thumper! I'll volunteer to do away with the fruitcake if you can tell me what those little green things in it are.

SUV

Pastor Isaac Peters 09-29-2006 10:01 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde (Post 4845)
Do you suppose it's too early to start re-gifting all the crappy fruitcake I recieved from people last year?

Inquisitive, Sister Thumper

Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.

SUV 09-29-2006 10:28 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou (Post 4848)
Early or late, re-gifting fruitcake is a wonderful family tradition. In my family, there's one that we've been passing around since 1974.

So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? They kind of give my teeth the look they used to get when I went to those psychedelic dance places before I got $avED and I'd Hate for Pastor to think I was backslidin'

In a Gadda Da Vida indeed!!!

SUV

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-29-2006 10:38 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera (Post 4853)
So, Brother, do you know what the little green things are? SUV

I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.

SUV 09-30-2006 12:52 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 4856)
I know what they are. We had them tested in the Landover Laboratories because we couldn't figure out what it was either. But since you wouldn't believe me anyway, I won't tell you.

Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus! :bad:

SUV

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-30-2006 01:09 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera (Post 4870)
Soylent Green? Was it Soylent Green, Pastor? Jesus! :bad:

SUV

You didn't hear it from ME! Can you believe they call it green pineapple chunks? GREEN PINEAPPLE?!?!?! Give me a break!

Pastor Ezekiel 09-30-2006 12:58 PM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
In my family, we stopped re-gifting Christmas fruitcakes years ago. I accept every single one with a smile, and every spring I use them to patch up holes in the walls of my horse stables and servant's quarters. I made a fine dog house out of them one season. Praise Jesus the dogs who sleep in there don't have fleas any more.

Brother Temperance 10-01-2006 11:03 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
I have to say, shopping for Joo relatives like mine is a lot easier than for Mary-Worshipping ones like Sister Rain's. I just have to sent them each a shiny penny and they're happy all year long. I usually also send them a card along the lines of "let us all celebrate the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, remember Him? The fellow who died on the cross for all our sins, wasn't He wonderful? Wasn't killing Him a terrible thing to do? Wouldn't it be a good idea to repent and allow His Love into your hook-nosed little heart? Love, your son."

Rachael Van Helsing 10-04-2006 02:01 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
My problem??
Is that an XTIAN celebration is being SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT every time I walk into a shopping center!!!
Sweet merciful crawdads, too many Xtians, not enough lions!

Pastor Isaac Peters 10-04-2006 02:36 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing (Post 5951)
My problem??
Is that an XTIAN celebration is being SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT every time I walk into a shopping center!!!
Sweet merciful crawdads, too many Xtians, not enough lions!

Are you trying to deny us our right to practice our own religion? I'm used to such blatant anti-Christian persecution out there in the unsaved secular world, but I never thought I'd be subjected to it here in God's favorite forum.

Pastor Isaac Peters 10-04-2006 02:39 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 5087)
I have to say, shopping for Joo relatives like mine is a lot easier than for Mary-Worshipping ones like Sister Rain's. I just have to sent them each a shiny penny and they're happy all year long. I usually also send them a card along the lines of "let us all celebrate the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, remember Him? The fellow who died on the cross for all our sins, wasn't He wonderful? Wasn't killing Him a terrible thing to do? Wouldn't it be a good idea to repent and allow His Love into your hook-nosed little heart? Love, your son."

I am in awe of the Christian love and compassion that you show to them. Whether they realize it yet or not, they are truly blessed to have you in their lives.

Rachael Van Helsing 10-04-2006 05:58 AM

Re: Post your Christmas Shopping problems HERE!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou (Post 5956)
Are you trying to deny us our right to practice our own religion? I'm used to such blatant anti-Christian persecution out there in the unsaved secular world, but I never thought I'd be subjected to it here in God's favorite forum.

Bah. You Xtians need to get used to the idea of EQUALITY, and not preferential treatment like you're used to.

Why are there no other religious holiday items on sale except for Xtian ones? THAT'S what I call predjudice...come on, ACLU!!


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:56 PM.

Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved