My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

I write to you, my fellow Landover True Christians™ for some sage advice on how to control this situation. See, I have a niece who is a bit of a rebellious harlot. She goes to a one of them liberal "Christian" churches where they allow women to be ministers and they read from the heretical NIV "Bible". Thus, her parenting skills can be questioned outright, seeing as her soul is not right with the Lord and easily swayed by Satan's hand.

She has just put her 8 year old in sports, she told me over the phone. Excellent, I thought! Then she broke the dire news to me: SOCCER, or in the Queen's parlance, "football". I was devastated. Immediately I began protesting over the phone: "Have you lost your mind? Do you want him to become a homosexual?". Then she got all nasty with me and said "You know Uncle Jim you're always like this...everything is about homosexuals or Jesus. That's all you ever talk about." and she promptly hung up the phone.

I really care about my grand-nephew's welfare and I'm concerned about his partaking in this homosexual "sport". Soccer is not a Real American Sport, like baseball, basketball, or FOOTBALL (the REAL Football, NFL style with Johnny Unitas and John Elway and Jim Brown). She could've put him in one of those sports. No, she puts him in the trendy, metrosexual activity of "soccer".

Either the boy's going to turn out a flaming metrosexual like David Beckham who marries a beautiful woman but gets his kicks by doing anonymous cruising activities in men's restrooms, or he's going to become one of this drunk, rambunctious, vile "soccer hooligans", like the kind you see in Merry Ol' England. The options don't look good for this kid.

Finally, my last concern is about the scoring. You see, there is no scoring. It's one of those "equality leagues" where boys and girls are on the same team, and they don't keep score so at the end both teams are "winners". What kind of values does this instill in our children? Are we not setting them up on the road to Communism with this thinking? Good, all-out competitive spirit is part of America! It's what made us invent the automobile, the airplane, the computer, the television, the radio, the steamboat, the jet, the spacecraft, and the Wheel! We always want to be one step ahead of the rest of this Godless world, and that's what makes America Number One!

So, how should I approach this? I know it's her son and all, but obviously I have better judgement since I am right with God and all my morality stems from Him. How much further should I intervene?

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Rev. Jim,

I'm sorry as all get out to hear this terrible news. Do they not have baseball or football leagues? The only advice I can come up with is to buy I mean find a judge thats sympathitic to your situation, and sue for sole custody.

I'm praying for you!!!

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Soccer is a horrible perverted sport. You can read more about it HERE

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

I'm not sure. She lives in one of the upper-class, liberal, trendy parts of LA, so they're not too keen on tradition there. I know some of the Mexican neighborhoods, the "barrios", have baseball leagues, but God forbid if I ever stoop so low as to get my grandnephew to play with their kind.

She also mentioned putting him in karate. Now, teaching the boy self-defense is a good thing and all, but I'm just concerned about the source: Karate is one of those chink fighting styles. I know it's effective and all and you can deal some serious blows with it, but I don't want him to get involved with Godless Buddhism or Taoism or whatever it is they practice over there. Next thing you know he'll be into all things Japanese, like hentai and squid porn and toilet cams.

I don't think I could get custody of him either. With my criminal record, and the liberal LA judges who would side with her anyways, the outlook is not so good.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

I can understand why you find this troubling. I blame ESPN for introducing "soccer" to America way back when ESPN had nothing else to broadcast.

There is no doubt that "soccer" is the first step on the path to homosexuality. Here is a "sport" where men run around in gay looking short pants. It is no wonder there is no scoring on the field. All the joy boys are too busy checking out each others legs. The real "scoring" occurs in the locker room after the game.

The only way out I can think of is to file suit for full custody of the lad based on the obvious neglect and cruelty inflicted on him by his mother. Once you have control of him you can sign him up for baseball in the summer, hockey in the winter, and year round Bible Study.

Good luck!

Yours in Christ:jesus:
Brother Lazarus

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

whats so bad about football? (soccer)

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

If you'd bothered reading the thread you'd know exactly whats wrong with soccer. We're trying to prevent a True Christians grand nephew from becoming a hopeless queer. Now, kindly tell us a little about yourself. Most new folks(except the Brits and heathen trolls) have the good manners to introduce themselves in the intro forum before they start asking stupid questions.

God Bless

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

It is one of the most queer sports out there.

Click me

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

"Soccer" is gay. NFL football is not gay. Get it?

I notice you didn't follow your directions. Please read the Pastor's Rules and Announcements. Pay particular attention to the "noobs" thread. Then you can post your introduction on the introduction sub forum under General Church Fellowship. Please be both informative and polite. We'd all love to know where you are from and what Church you attend.

Thanks!

Yours in Christ:jesus:
Brother Lazarus

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

For starters I love Football(soccer), and I cant find how playing soccer turns you gay.
Id say Nfl is the gayest sport out there to be honest.
Soccer is not gay, Nfl is gay. Men tackling each other to the ground, grabbing each others body parts is way gayer than just kicking a ball around.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

This is going to be a tough one, boys.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Where in the bible does it say, thou shall not play soccer?

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Men tackling each other to the ground is decidedly not gay. Its manly men being manly!

"Soccer" reminds me of the dance scene in "Blazing Saddles"

Here it is illustrated so that you can understand.

Gay, is on the left, not gay is on the right. Get it?

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

The Bible commands us in various books not to engage in Homosexuality. Leviticus famously states that you should not lie with another man as you do with a woman. We've already established soccer is popular among homosexuals and for boys with confused sexual orientations.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

How is men on the ground, grabbing each others private parts not gay? and have you seen how many women david beckham gets, Ill bet he gets more action than Roethlesfaggot.
soccer involves running down the pitch after a football and trying to score while kicking it, in no way do you lie next to a man and have sex. Also I can guarantee you that there are many gays that follow Nfl, even to the extent that there are many gay nfl players in the league.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

I hate to repost, but it fits

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Mr. Makawhatever,

We are having a serious discussion here about a young mans future. We are not here to debate with you about a sissy game. If you want to talk about gay/heathen subjects(soccer, catholicism, Jap cars, ect.) I suggest you make friends with steffan nissmo. You two could talk for hours, I'm sure.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

Soccer, in itself, is not a homosexual activity, but it is popular among homosexuals and is a road to homosexuality. It's like the Dodge Caliber of sports.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

http://www.nygayfootball.org/site/in...tpage&Itemid=1

You should definately think about signing up homie.

Re: My niece is warping her child by putting him into SOCCER!
 

I would tend to agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with soccer as a sport, but Makaveli, you need to understand that soccer is not an inherent part of American culture. Some American parents (with whom I disagree) do not want to expose their children to violent sports. This may be where the perception of homosexuality comes into play.

I personally find soccer about as exciting as watching a '53 Chevy pick up rust next to a crumbling shack. American football is in my opinion the greatest sport on the planet, and the greatest football team is the Pittsburgh Steelers.