The Landover Baptist Church Forum
Page 1 of 3 1 23
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

The Landover Baptist Church Forum (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumindex.php)
-   THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=35)
-   -   Christmas Trees ARE satanic! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=1070)

Pastor Ezekiel 12-05-2006 10:57 PM
Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
And if you ever doubted it, read THIS!

Quote:
Woman finds bat in Christmas tree

NIPOMO, Calif. - Sheila Kearns had a Christmas tree delivered to her home on Sunday. She says she thought she'd been pricked by pine needles when she reached into the tree while decorating it. But the next morning, she found a bat hanging upside down in her home.

It turns out that the Christmas tree farm Kearns bought from keeps bats around for pest control and that one unwittingly hitched a ride to her home.

Animal control officials picked up the bat, which tested negative for rabies.

Kearns got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics, but says she's not fazed. She says she'll keep buying her trees from the same farm.
Well isn't that nice? The empty-headed female gets attacked by one of satan's spawn hiding in her "holidays tree", and plans to continue doing business with the same demonic dealer of death.

God Almighty warns us about decorated trees in the Bible. This is what will happen when we disobey God's commands.

Rev. Carlton Green 12-06-2006 03:04 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Hello Pastor Ezekeiel,

Perhaps we ought to hold a tree burning season? I recently purchased a GODLY flamethrower and some ol' evergreens are sizzlin' right out my window this minute as I type this message. Who cares about the who gobbledigook that trees give us oxygen! That's the old LIEbral AtheASSt excuse of taking away the recognition from GOD! After all, the TRUE GOD is a JEALOUS GOD. He don't want no treefaggers taking away HIS spotlight!

No heathen on this side of town will be glowing up their tallywhacker shaped trees if they can't find any! They will thank me later when the realise that Satan won't be hitchin a ride in their HELLiday Trees!

PRAISE!

-Carlton Green

Darren Ingram-Myers 12-08-2006 11:49 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Were any charges brought for animal cruelty?

OnYourKnees 12-09-2006 12:12 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Ingram-Myers (Post 22531)
Were any charges brought for animal cruelty?
I don't know that there are laws to punish cruel animals. However, testing it for rabies involves cracking its skull open and testing brain bits, which would pretty much constitute capital punishment.

Talitha 12-09-2006 05:52 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
1 Attachment(s)
Seeings as how these trees are so Satanic I thought I'd decorate my Limo.

Attachment 742

Little Critter tried to dodge out of the way, but I got him second time around :thumbsup:

SUV 12-09-2006 05:58 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha (Post 22690)
Seeings as how these trees are so Satanic I thought I'd decorate my Limo.

Attachment 742

Little Critter tried to dodge out of the way, but I got him second time around :thumbsup:
Sister Tali, perhaps you have this bumper sticker also?:

"I Speed Up to Run Over Small Animals"

(Why, of course! If not, we might have a lot fewer fine songs like Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road)

He's Dead! He's in the middle! And he's stinking to haaaaah HEAVEN!!

Arethusa 12-11-2006 11:15 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
What if one's tree has tinsel. Pretty, silver tinsel! Is it still satanic? :(

Pastor Ezekiel 12-11-2006 11:32 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arethusa (Post 23172)
What if one's tree has tinsel. Pretty, silver tinsel! Is it still satanic? :(
Sister, even though you are just a female, I would expect that you have been studying the Holy Bible. The answer to most questions can be found in it's divine pages.

Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. "Learn not the way of the heathen" and don't look for signs from heaven.
10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

Arethusa 12-11-2006 11:36 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 23180)
Sister, even though you are just a female, I would expect that you have been studying the Holy Bible. The answer to most questions can be found in it's divine pages.

Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. "Learn not the way of the heathen" and don't look for signs from heaven.
10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
Oh yes, of course I read the Bible, I just haven't reached Jeremiah yet. Ok, ok so the silver is bad, but what if we planted it in nice godly dirt and everything, no hammering and no nails. And only hung one Rudolph ornament. There isn't even a star at the top (yet).

Pastor Ezekiel 12-11-2006 11:47 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arethusa (Post 23185)
Oh yes, of course I read the Bible, I just haven't reached Jeremiah yet. Ok, ok so the silver is bad, but what if we planted it in nice godly dirt and everything, no hammering and no nails. And only hung one Rudolph ornament. There isn't even a star at the top (yet).
Sweet Jesus you are a bubble headed female. This is a good example of why women need a man to guide them and tell them what to think. You are also a walking example of why females have no business getting a secular education beyond home economics class and charm school.

At the end of the path you are treading lies pagan tree worship and feminaziism. I urge you to stop thinking about such filth and get back to baking pies.

Arethusa 12-12-2006 06:55 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 23193)
Sweet Jesus you are a bubble headed female. This is a good example of why women need a man to guide them and tell them what to think. You are also a walking example of why females have no business getting a secular education beyond home economics class and charm school.

At the end of the path you are treading lies pagan tree worship and feminaziism. I urge you to stop thinking about such filth and get back to baking pies.
I baked a pie, Pastor, just like you said I should. And when I show you a picture of my lovely tree, why even Jesus himself will gasp in wonder. :jesus:

Pastor Ezekiel 12-12-2006 12:10 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arethusa (Post 23302)
I baked a pie, Pastor, just like you said I should. And when I show you a picture of my lovely tree, why even Jesus himself will gasp in wonder. :jesus:
Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?:winkiss:

Daisy Mae Johnson 12-12-2006 04:53 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 23309)
Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?:winkiss:
<Thinks outloud>

Now WHY would he want anyone's pie but mine?

Star Finder 12-12-2006 06:29 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
"Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen"
HEY! I think you mean to be talking about SOLSTICE TREES! Everyone knows that Christmas is a FAKE holiday. Because we live in kinda cramped quarters during the winter, and people fart and stuf, we drag a tree into the house so that we get that fresh pine sent. Remember we can't afford all those fancey sprays and stuff.

That's how it started and then you maniac christians did LEARN our ways and now you'll little better than tree-worshipping wiccas!

Arethusa 12-13-2006 05:11 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 23309)
Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?:winkiss:
It had bluberries and raspberries. It's in the Jesus bake-off thread if you want to take a look.

I admit that I haven't cooked any rabbits. I used to own some so I'm not too partial to eating the cute things.

Pastor Ezekiel 12-13-2006 01:57 PM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arethusa (Post 23746)
It had bluberries and raspberries. It's in the Jesus bake-off thread if you want to take a look.

I admit that I haven't cooked any rabbits. I used to own some so I'm not too partial to eating the cute things.
Bah! Meat is meat. You skin a couple of them up, toss them in a pot. Ask sister Thumper. She's a whiz with rabbit casserole. You'll never find a proper Christian husband that way.

lilith 12-14-2006 06:38 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Star Finder (Post 23410)


HEY! I think you mean to be talking about SOLSTICE TREES! Everyone knows that Christmas is a FAKE holiday. Because we live in kinda cramped quarters during the winter, and people fart and stuf, we drag a tree into the house so that we get that fresh pine sent. Remember we can't afford all those fancey sprays and stuff.

That's how it started and then you maniac christians did LEARN our ways and now you'll little better than tree-worshipping wiccas!

Absolutely right,Starfinder.
And MY Xm...um Solstice tree has a very tasteful Bellydancer on the top of it.:)

Petal 12-14-2006 08:38 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss.lilith (Post 24020)
And MY Xm...um Solstice tree has a very tasteful Bellydancer on the top of it.:)
Miss.Lilith, i rebukes that bellydancin angel! :angry2: it a abominashun unto lord God, an it make me cry to thinks of that angel wiv tassils on her boobies :blushroll:, she be swingin them up an down an round an round but maybee it not tassils maybee it somethang worser :fie:

Dameon_ACLUtard 12-14-2006 09:51 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
You have very poor English.

Petal 12-14-2006 10:17 AM
Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Master of them Obviousnesses (Post 24033)
You have very poor English.
an you destineds for hellfires, Mr.Demon. :(


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:12 PM.
Page 1 of 3 1 23
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved