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Meek and Humble 02-03-2009 06:07 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Joshua

As the Lord God commanded, Joshua killed everything that breathed in the cities he invaded!
The Lord turned the fierceness of His anger toward Achan, who looked at the accursed thing, and so he, his entire family, and the animals they owned, were stoned to death!
God Almighty fought with the Israelites, He slew their enemies with a great slaughter, and chased them along the way!
The Israelites slew many with the sword, and those who they didn't get, God smote with rocks that fell from Heaven!
To make sure Joshua killed everyone before dark, God made the sun stand still in the sky!
The Lord fought for Israel!
God hardened the enemies' hearts, so that they might go against Israel, so that God could destroy them utterly for the evil they did after God hardened their hearts!
Our God is a jealous God, He will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins!

Meek and Humble 02-03-2009 06:25 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Micah

God will destroy Samaria with stones!
God will wail and howl and go stripped and naked!
Evil came down from the Lord!
God devises evil against families He doesn't like!
To those disobedient people, their skin shall be plucked off, flesh ripped from bones, their flesh eaten, their skin flayed off, their bones broken, their body chopped into pieces, and all stewed in a pot!
God will not hear them when they call for help, in fact, He'll hide from them!
Like a young lion, the remnant of Jacob will tear the gentiles to pieces!
God shall execute anger and fury upon the heathen cities such as they have not heard!
God will make His chosen people sick, hungry and desolate - if any survive, they'll be killed by swords!
The Gentiles will be made deaf, they'll have to lick dust and crawl like worms for fear of God and His people!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 06:10 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Deuteronomy

Kill all prophets if they prophesy wrongly!!!
Kill family, friends, and neighbors if they serve other gods!!!
Kill rebellious sons, adulterers, and women who are raped and go unheard!!!
Destroy the holy places and items of other religions!!!
Cut off a woman's hand if she touches a man's secrets while he tries to kill her husband!!!
If you see a beautiful prisoner of war you'd like as your wife, take her home and go in unto her!!!
Treat both your wives fairly, even though you hate one - make sure you always treat your first-born son the best!!!
If you marry a woman and then proclaim she is not a virgin publicly, her parents must come forward and show the sheets you two consummated the marriage and, show everyone the blood stains to prove her virginity - otherwise she gets killed - if there are no tokens of virginity, then the man will be chastised, forced to pay his father-in-law 100 shekels and never be allowed to get a divorce!!!
Women who wear men's clothes are abominations unto the Lord!!!
Don't mix different fibers in your clothes!!!
If you rape a woman, pay her father 50 shekels to make up for it!!!
If your genitals are damaged you cannot enter the congregation of the Lord!!!
If within the last ten generations any of your ancestors were conceived illegitimately, you cannot enter the congregation of the Lord!!!
If you have a wet dream, you have to go out to the wilderness, wash yourself, and aren't allowed to come back until the next sunset!!!
Bury your feces in a holy in the ground, because God is walking all around us!!!
If you marry a woman, and then find some uncleanness in her, you can send her away - if she gets remarried and then her new husband either dies or divorces her, you can't marry her again, for this is an abomination before the Lord!!!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 06:23 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Nahum

God is jealous and furious!
He makes mountains shake and hills melt!
He drowns His enemies in floods!
There is much pain in all loins!
God will flip up your skirt, present you naked to the whole world, and cover you with abominable filth!
You're all a bunch of girly men!
You will be devoured by fire, cut off by the sword, and eaten by the cankerworm!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 06:53 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Numbers

If any strangers come around, kill them!
If anyone offers strange fire before the Lord, God will kill them!
If anyone looks at or touches a holy thing, God will kill them!
If you think your wife is cheating, send her to the priests, they'll give her a some bitter water to drink - if she's guilty her stomach will swell and her thy rot, if she's innocent nothing will happen, she is free to go and will become pregnant - don't worry fellows, you won't get in any trouble for making her take the test!
If God hears you complain, He'll light you on fire!
If you ask for meat, God will teach you some manners by giving you nothing to eat but meat, so much meat it will come out your nose!
The Israelites moaned likewise, and God sent a plague on them!
God gave Moses' sister leprosy!
The Israelites saw God face-to-face!
God will punish sin unto the fourth generation!
If you sin through ignorance, kill a goat to make it better!
Don't pick sticks up off the ground on Sunday!
Put blue fringes on the edge of your clothes!
Praise to God for burying Korah and his family alive!
Praise to God for burning 250 people to death!
Praise to God for killing 14,700 with a plague!
Aaron's rod started growing almonds!
God sends fiery serpents to bite them people!
If you get bit by a snake, just look at a bronze snake statue!
And sometimes God delivers important messages through the mouths of donkeys!
God's people will drink the blood of the killed!
God will eat the nations of His enemies, break their bones and pierce them with arrows!
God told Moses to take the people's head and hang them up to God!
Praise to Phinehas, God's hero, who thrust a spear through a man and his foreign wife!
Praise to God, for killing 25,000 in a plague!
Women can't make vows unless their husbands allow it!
Moses told the army, kill the man, kill the women, but keep the virgin girls alive!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 04:45 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Habakkuk

God has horns growing out of His hands, before Him goes pestilence and burning coals at His feet!
God can even keep the sun and moon from moving through the sky like they normally do!
Thou didst march through the land in indignation, Thou didst thresh the heathen in anger.
You did walk through the sea with Your horses!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 06:53 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Leviticus

Sanctify Aaron, Moses, do what God requires - put the animal blood on his right ear, thumb, and big toe!
Thank you Lord for killing Aaron sons, who practiced some really strange religion instead of Yours!
Don't eat unclean animals who chew cud, like hares!
Don't eat unclean birds, like bats!
Four-legged birds are an abomination!
Four-legged insects are alright to eat, though!
Women are dirty a week after giving birth to a son, it takes 33 days to purify her - double these numbers if it's a filthy daughter!
If you catch leprosy, here is the cure - get two birds, kill one, dip the live one in the blood of the dead one, sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, let the blood-soaked bird fly away, kill a lamb, wipe its blood on the lepers right ear, thumb, and big toe, sprinkle oil seven times, wipe oil on the leper's right ear, thumb, and big toe, do that over again, get a pair of birds, kill one and dip the live bird in the dead bird's blood, wipe some of the blood on the leper's right ear, thumb, and big toe, and finally sprinkle his house with some of the blood seven times!
If a man who has issue spits on you, then you must clean your clothes, wash yourself in water, and you'll be unclean until evening!
If you get your seed of copulation on yourself, your clothes, your wife, or anything else you own, you must wash it in water and be unclean until evening!
When a woman in menstruating, she is unclean - don't let her touch anything - everything she touches becomes unclean, everyone that touches anything she touched becomes unclean - and if you you have sex with her you'll be unclean for seven days!
Do not uncover the nakedness of your mother, father, aunt, uncle, step-mother, sister, half-sister, granddaughter, step-sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, both a woman and her daughter or granddaughter or sister, or if she's on her period, or with your neighbor's wife!
Homersexuality is an abomination!
Don't have sex with animals!
Don't mix different seeds in a field, or fibers in a garment!
If you sleep with a slave girl who is engaged, whip her!
Don't round the corners of your head or mar the corners of your beard!
Children who curse their parents, adulterers, and homosexuals must be killed!
Women with familiar spirits must be killed!
If a priest's daughter is unchaste, burn her!
The handicapped have no right being near that altar!
Cursers and blasphemers must be stoned to death!
You cannot make your fellow man a slave, but the foreigners are fair game!
If you disobey, you shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it!
God will send wild beasts who will rob you of your children!
And you'll eat the flesh of your sons and daughters!
A man is worth fifty shekels, a woman thirty, young men are worth twenty, young women ten, boys are worth five, girls three, an babies are worthless!

Meek and Humble 02-05-2009 07:01 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Zephaniah

God will kill every living thing!
He will cut off everyone who does not worship Him!
He will kill the princes because they were strange clothes!
God will coming searching for you if you say He doesn't exist!
The day of the Lord is near, wrote Zephaniah, only some 2,200 years ago!
He will make men walk like blind men, pour their blood out like dust, and their flesh out like dung!
Everyone who lives along the coast will be killed!
Moab and Ammon will be destroyed like Sodom and Gomorrah!
With His own sword shall He destroy the Ethiopians!
Everyone will hiss and wag his hand at Assyria!
Praise to God for destroying cities and killing all their people!
The earth will be devoured by the fire of God's jealousy!
But to Zion, God will joy over thee with singing!

Meek and Humble 02-07-2009 02:41 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Exodus

God Almighty turns staffs into snakes, He shall send blood, frogs, lice, flies, an boils to punish you!
When God hardens your heart, and you sin, He shall punish you! He shall kill all the first-born in your country for the sins you committed when He hardened your heart!
Obey the laws of the Lord, do as He commands - buys slaves His way, sell your daughter His way, take a second wife His way only!
Kill the witches, heretics, disobedient children, and those who work on Sunday!
He shall punish your great-great-grandchildren for your sins!
Kill your brothers! Kill your friends! Kill your companions! Kill your neighbors!

When Israel was in Egypt-land, grew from 70 to millions in 400 years!
God taught Moses to do miracles!
Then God tried to kill Moses soon after!
God made the river into blood, though the magicians could do it too!
He sent frogs all over the land, but the magicians could do it too!
He sent lice all over the land, but this the magicians could not do!
God killed all the cattle in Egypt land!
He poured down hail on Egypt land!
He sent the locusts to destroy wicked Egypt land!
He made it all dark in Egypt land!
God will even kill the Pharaoh's first born, if he doesn't let God's people go!
Then God drowned all of Pharaoh's army!
The Lord is a man of war!
If you strike your parents, you will be killed!
And you can beat your slave, as long as he doesn't die straightaway!
And if you cause a woman to miscarry, you shall pay a fine as the judges determine!
Kill everyone who does not worship the correct God!
Remember - God spoke to Moses face to face!
He even showed Moses His back parts!
God's name is Jealous!

Meek and Humble 02-07-2009 03:02 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Haggai

God blows down all the houses in Israel!
The rebuilt their homes but not the Temple, so He sent a drought!
God will shake the heavens and the earths, the sea and dry land, in a little while, wrote Haggai, only some 2,500 years ago!
Silver and gold belongs to the Lord of Hosts, according to Himself!
Do not let holy flesh touch food or wine, or it shall be holy no more!
God wanted Israel to return, so He sent blight and hail on them - it didn't work for some reason!
The horses and their rider will be killed by the sword of his brother!

Meek and Humble 02-07-2009 03:55 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Genesis

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth
And then came man.
In the beginning, God created man,
and then came the heavens and the earth.
A talking snake ruined everything
So women have pain during child birth, and men must rule over them!
The sons of God took the daughters of men as their wives - the bore children, the mighty men of old, men of renown!
There were giants back then, you know!
Then God kill absolutely everything that wasn't in a giant boat!
Noah was most righteous, if you ignore the drunk episode!
And since his son told people he was lying naked in a tent, Noah cursed all of his sons descendants to be slaves to his other son!
Lot was in a mighty pickle, they wanted to rape his guests, they didn't even want his daughters!
Afterward he got drunk and impregnated them!
Abraham had a son with his slave, but his wife got jealous, so he let them go loose in the desert!
God asked him to kill the son that mattered, and Abraham was all too willing!
Jacob wanted Rachel, but married Leah accidentally!
Rachel wanted Jacob, so she buys him away from Leah with magic flowers!
Jacob saw God face to face and lived!
Bad old Reuben had sex with his father's concubine!
Worse was Onan, who refused to ejaculate inside his dead brother's wife - God killed him right away!
Since he didn't do the job, she tricked her father-in-law into knocking her up!

Meek and Humble 02-07-2009 04:26 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Zechariah

God has seven eyes that run to and fro through the whole earth!
Zechariah tells us: a thirty foot scroll comes flying from the sky, and it burns the houses of thieves and liars!
God was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and jealous for her with great fury!
God will set all men against each other!
God will hiss for Ephraim!
God shall mercilessly feed the stock of slaughter when he makes everyone kill their neighbor!
God has two staves: Beauty and Bands!
God wants us to eat the flesh of one another!
The riders will be made mad, the horses blinded!
Prophets must be killed by their own parents!
God shall make Jerusalem to be taken, and her women ravished!
He will go forth and fight with His feet on the Mount of Olives!
The plague God sends will make flesh, eyes, and tongue melt!
Everyone will kill their neighbor!
Not even animals can escape the plague!
Whoever survives must worship God!
The heathen will be smote with a plague!

Meek and Humble 02-07-2009 11:06 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem About Revelation

The time is at hand, it will shortly come to pass, wrote John, only some 1,900 years ago!
Behold Jesus, He of white hair, brass feet, and a sword coming out of His mouth!
Beware the false Jews, who attend the Synagogue of Satan!
God has seven spirits!
Behold, I come quickly, said Jesus, circa 100 AD!
The one who rides the red horse God shall give power to take from the earth, that they should kill one another!
Beware the locusts like horses, with the heads of men, hair of women, teeth of lion, and tail of scorpion - they shall sting you, and it will hurt five months!
Beware the four angels who come, with an army of two hundred million, they will kill a third of the world (approximately two billion people!)
The angel tells John to eat a book, he eats it and its sweet, but it makes his stomach bitter!
God will send an earthquake to kill seven thousand people!
Up in the perfect paradise of God Heavenly Kingdom, a horrible war wages, and Michael and the Angels battle the Dragon!
Don't worry, the elect shall be saved, all 144,000 virgin men!
Do not receive the mark of the Beast, or you shall drink the wine of the wrath of God, and be tormented by fire and brimstone forever and ever!
The winepress of wrath of God shall be trodden, and blood will come out and land on horses' bridles!
The seven vials of wrath shall be opened and they are - sores, a sea of blood, rivers of blood, fire, pain, drought, and stormy weather!
The great harlot shall come, full of abominations and filthiness from her fornication, on her forehead a sign reads: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth" she shall be made desolate and naked, and her flesh will be eaten and burned with fire!
Jesus shall appear covered with blood, a sword coming out of His mouth, and He shall tread on the winepress of the wrath of God!
An angel will call the birds to the supper of the great God - lots and lots of dead bodies!
The Beast and False Prophet shall be thrown into the lake of fire, the rest shall be killed by Jesus' sword and eaten by birds!
A thousand years later, God will send Satan to deceive us all!
God will send fire from heaven to devour people!
If your name's not in the Book of Life, you'll be thrown in the lake of fire!
If you are fearful or unbelieving, you shall be cast into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone!
Jesus is coming quickly!
If you add to these words, you shall be struck with plagues; if you remove any words, your name will be removed from the book of life!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 06:50 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Malachi

God hates Esau! He loves Jacob, Esau's brother who stole everything away from him!
Sacrifice your animals to God, and don't you dare let them be blind, lame or sick!
Give glory to God, or he'll curse you!
God hates the Edomites forever!
He will corrupt your seed and spread dung on your faces!
The wicked shall be burned and the righteous shall walk around their ashes!
And children and father shall turn their hearts to one another, or God will come and smite the earth with a curse!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 04:41 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Jude

Listen - since before of old certain ungodly men were ordained to deny our only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ!
And the Lord destroyed!
And those evil angels, who had sex with women and made giant babies, they are chained in darkness until Judgment Day!
God did sen eternal fire on the Sodom and Gomorrah, for going after strange flesh!
And Michael the Archangel to keep Satan from taking Moses' dead body!
Remember that Enoch, the seventh from Adam, did prophesy that God shall come with ten thousand angels to execute judgment on us all, according to an apocryphal book.
Remember the words the Apostles spoke before, there shall be mockers, in these the last times, wrote Jude, only some 1,900 years ago!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 05:16 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Matthew

If you look with lust at a woman, you have committed adultery - avoid sin - cut off your hands and pluck out your eyes!
Never pray in public!
Remember, the vast majority are headed straight to hell!
Because of Jesus, brother shall deliver brother up to death, and fathers their children, and children rise up against their parents, and put them to death!
He brings not peace, but a sword!
Not even John the Baptist wasn't sure whether Jesus was the Messiah!
Praise Jesus for speaking in parables, so the people can't understand His message, and won't convert, and Jesus won't have to heal them!
Whoever has shall be given more, and whoever has nothing shall have even more taken away!
Nazareth did reject Him!
Jesus shall come within the lifetime of those who were listening to Him teach!
Leave your wife and children behind, so that you may be greatly rewarded!
Praise to Jesus, who rode into Jerusalem on an ass and a colt at the same time!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 05:42 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On 3 John

John wrote Gaius a letter, he wrote the church another one, but it wasn't good enough for the Bible.
John, the great Apostle, shall never get over that Diotrephes pratted against them with malicious words!
Follow not that which is evil, but that which is good!
He who does good is of God, but he who doesn't has never seen God!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 06:20 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Mark

Jesus' friends saw the miracles He performed, and they thought He was crazy!
Remember, if you are poor now, you'll be even poorer in the life to come!
Jesus exercised a legion of demons, but once they were free, He knew not what to do with them, so He sent them into a herd of pigs, who ran off a cliff - everyone begged Jesus to get out!
Even in His hometown He was rejected!
But Jesus spoke the truth - He asked those wicked Jews - why don't you do as Moses required, why do you not kill your disobedient sons?!
Before Jesus' generation passes away, the world shall end!
Don't want to go to hell? Cut off your hands and feet, pluck out your eyes!
Don't be like that evil fig tree, which refused to bear fruit for Jesus out a season - Jesus killed it dead!
All of Jesus' words shall come to pass before His generation passes!
If you believe and are baptized, you shall be saved - if you don't, you shall be damned!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 06:32 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On 2 John

Love one another, as long as the other is Christian!
Non-believers are deceivers and Anti-Christs!
If you do not abide in the doctrine of Christ, you do not have God!
Don't associate with those people, don't let them in your homes, don't greet them on the street!

Meek and Humble 02-08-2009 07:14 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
A Poem Based On Luke

When Zacharias doubted Gabriel's words, he was made dumb!
And John the Baptist proclaimed - Christ will burn the damn with fire unquenchable!
Rejoice when Peter, Andrew, James, and John, left their nets, their families, and wives to follow Jesus!
The rich, well-fed, happy and respected are going to hell!
John doubted, even from prison!
Jesus' listeners will live to see Him return and establish the Kingdom of God!
The cities Chorazin, Bethsaida, Capernaum, and all others who did not receive the Apostles - you shall be destroyed and thrust into hell!
To believers Jesus gives the power drive out devils, to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all power of the enemy - nothing can harm them!
Everyone who criticizes Jesus is a fool!
Fear God, for He can kill God and torture you forever!
You must hate your mother, must hate your father, hate your brothers, your sisters, husband, wife, children...
That which is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God!
The Old Testament shall bind forever (see my poems on the Old Testament for more details)
God takes what is not rightly His, reaps what He did not sow - slay the sinners before Him!
Before His generation passes, Jesus shall return, the sun turn dark, the moon turn red, and the stars fall out of the sky!

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