True Christian™ Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape
Ladies, recent comments by Republican Missouri senate nominee Todd Akin regarding his stance on abortion has come to the attention of Americans everywhere.
Now we here at Landover Baptist Church know very well that the LORD blesses and watches over His flock (Isaiah 61:9; Deuteronomy 28:8; Philippians 4:19). We also know that many women (and men - yikes!) have claimed to have been raped. Clearly this means most of these people are NOT a part of the vine (John 15:1-2), which explains why God's Blessing has been justly denied them. In any case, let's look at some statistics. According to Crisis Connection: Quote:
SO MANY WOMEN HATE MEN SO MUCH THEY WILL CRY "RAPE" JUST TO SEE HIM UNJUSTLY PUNISHED BY THE STATE! A predictable consequence of "Feminism" is a prejudice against men! How do we know? Because women who maintain Godly standards usually DON'T GET RAPED! Certainly not in this quantity! So the first thing to do to avoid being raped, is to maintain Godly standards for yourself! Here are some things the LORD was careful to include in the Holy Bible. If it's in the Holy Bible, we know it must be the most important information in the world. Of course True Christians™ know why - it keeps us safe! We know, for example, the LORD made men to be visually stimulated. They can't help it, and this is but one of the things Satan uses to try and win their souls.
However, the LORD saw to it that devoted men would record the information we women need to do in order to keep from temping the men in our lives to stumble in sin (Romans 14:21). It is a very simple solution - a Godly, modest dress code.
IF you happen to be legitimately raped, that is, forced against your will, then you need not worry about getting pregnant. You see, our bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) The LORD has provided within our bodies, the miraculous mechanics of thwarting unwanted seed! Now, I hope you'll bear with me while I show you some medical pictures. You may want to usher small children and boys/men from the room before looking. These pictures, although not lewd or pornographic in any way, do depict the female anatomy and might be inappropriate for some people. :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . :) . https://web.archive.org/web/20140617...om/33w4710.jpg https://web.archive.org/web/20150405...om/2f0ejhz.jpg Perhaps our dear Brother, Professor Bessimer can help us understand all this technical and medical jargon, but in the mean time, I encourage you to "fear not"! (1 Peter 3:14) As senate nominee Todd Akin explains, after much medical and scientific training, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." And do keep in mind, should the LORD send someone to forcibly impregnate you, each pregnancy is a gift from God! Why, as former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee explains, some "Forcible Rapes" created "Extraordinary" people! “Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of a forcible rape,” Huckabee said on his radio show, according to the Los Angeles Times. “I used to work for James Robison back in the 1970s, he leads a large Christian organization. He, himself, was the result of a forcible rape. And so I know it happens, and yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, you know, those people are able to do extraordinary things.”:) |
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Jesus will protect me against rapists! :)
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I have JESUS on my underwear for protection. The reason is twofold.
1. JESUS will protect me from rape. 2. If 1 fails, hopefully the rapist will see JESUS' face and stop and repent. http://www.burpstobottoms.com/cart/h...ges/jesus3.jpg Helpful, Sister Thumper |
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Does this mean that if you're already pregnant you can't get raped?
I hope so, because that would mean I can't get raped for at least six months I think. Aaron thinks the Mexicans that mow our lawn want to rape me and throw me down the old well behind the hog pen. That's why he locks me in the root cellar on Tuesdays. YIC Mrs. Aaron Portway |
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I hope you are still ALWAYS receptive every time he wants to express his love physically. Ephesians 5:2 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. YIC Jack |
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No white man would ever rape me, even if I axed him to.
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I always am receptive every time my husband needs to express his love to me physically. I do not get locked away in the cellar or one of the dog cages when the workers are out on my husband's farm, is he trying to tell me something that I need to do a better job to be worth protecting? He does put me in the dog kennel with my Bible if he's going to be away from the house for too long so I don't get into any trouble being such a stupid girl. |
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This is the first time I've actually cared what you have to say! Glory! The obvious point here is that now we know that if you were indeed to turn up sexually assaulted and dead down that well we would know who to blame! No need to worry the Police: just a good old fashioned spic whooping! YIC |
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Amen, Sister
If only more selfish stumpets, slags and whores would follow your carefully thought out wisdom they save literally hundreds of tax payers dollars every year that goes on federal rape crisis services. Not to mention when the real victim of consensual rape goes to jail and looses his job and ability to reach for the American Dream©. It seems to me stumpets who have not followed your advice hate America, Capitalism and God. YIC |
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I admit to having had some disturbing thoughts in wondering about your absence. "Perhaps," I said to myself, "the dear child fell down the stairs in the night, on her way to get a drink of water. Aaron, being a quiet and shy fellow, might have refrained from calling the coroner. Instead, it could be he carried her to the back yard tenderly, digging out a new garden bed as she lay beside him, bathed in the gentle moonlight, atop the steaming compost heap, surrounded by a softly shifting, shimmering cloud of flies buzzing a paean to her all-too-frail beauty. With each swing of his pickaxe, Aaron would curse himself for waiting three days to clean her off the stairs; he just had to be sure she was really dead! "In this luxurious, rich garden bed his little Naomi would rest, eternally at peace, her shallow grave planted over with those two strange rows of tomatoes, swollen abnormally large and red, the only marker a wooden Popsicle stick cross upon which he'd carefully misspelled, "Beefstake". He'd have to disguise her absence through a clever ruse." See, that's where I stopped. We all know Aaron isn't much good at clever ruses. :thumbsup: So now we know you are alive and well! This would make a great story for the Pediabear Mystery Series, don't you think? |
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Oh, please thank Aaron for the three jars of spaghetti sauce. He said you made it yourself with homegrown tomatoes, and that you really put a lot of yourself into it. How did you know I love meat sauce best of all? :licklips: Widow Helen and I had some of it over tortellini earlier tonight. |
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Legitimate rape .... Oxymormon.
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I hope that helps. :) |
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"IF you happen to be legitimately raped, that is, forced against your will, then you need not worry about getting pregnant. You see, our bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) The LORD has provided within our bodies, the miraculous mechanics of thwarting unwanted seed!" You seem to think that the biggest issue of rape is conception of the rapist's child and urge women not to "worry about it". Why do you neglect the fact that by being raped, a woman has been violated, regardless of whether she gets pregnant or not as a result of that violation ? And you further add insult to injury by blaming the victim - or rather, her style of dressing - for the attack. Doesn't the Bible teach one of the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ? If a man feels the need to attack a woman simply because he does not like the way that she is dressed, then he should not live in civilized society. AND, he not have a problem with being castrated by any woman that he attacks just because he does not like the way that she is clothed. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, too. It is HIS fault that he got castrated for touching a woman against her will just like it is supposedly HER fault that she got raped for dressing immodestly. |
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Which is why you will never see a True Christian™ man rape a woman, or a True Christian™ woman cry "rape." I think you're starting to catch on! Oh I have such high hopes for you! |
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