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-   Valentine's Day, AKA Treason Season! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=50)
-   -   Hatchet Hearts (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=59065)

Old Man Hatchet 02-03-2011 02:55 PM

Hatchet Hearts
 
What is the single greatest threat to American schools? Lack of funding? Ineffectual curricula? Violence? No, no, and no. The answer is candy hearts.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...Ud6n7RDSljDuyw

With messages like "You're sweet" and "Be mine" scrawled on their chalky surfaces, candy hearts can incite premarital yearning glances and even hand-holding. The racier messages like "Cutie pie" and "Hug me" can lead to Caligula-type orgies involving enormous bowls of fruit, mandals, laurel wreaths, ostentatious wine goblets, and slave boys.

Now, I will say that these candy hearts get children reading. Given that this generation makes Corky look like Doogie Howser, I guess that counts for something.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...3g-YE7YMYpl1Gx http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...NGynO-OYvTQbYA

(A quick aside--I was not fond of the 90s trend of TV characters having "cute" and "unique" names like Corky, Doogie, Blossom, and Urkel. Guess what? Just because your name is Doogie doesn't make you special. You're just like all of the other kids who graduated Princeton at the age of 10 and finished medical school by 14.)

There is only one way to combat this menace. We need to cancel out the lust and depravity of candy heart messages with Godly words and phrases. Send your child to school equipped with Hatchet Hearts©. Hatchet Hearts© are delightful, heart-shaped candies inscribed with inspirational words and important Bible chapter and verse numbers.

http://i.imgur.com/P7JFi.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/zo2hU.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/TFgMv.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/eOu8U.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/T2DQC.jpg

I've even designed some especially for teachers.
http://i.imgur.com/1PHsq.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/qKBaf.jpg

Order your Hatchet Hearts© today so that they arrive by the 14th! Order forms can be found in the church office. You'll be doing something good for your child's school and helping to pay the deductible on the prostate surgery I'm having done in March.

Oakland "Reb" Griner 02-03-2011 03:13 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Those insipid candy hearts!

Why don't they put Scriptures upon them? Save some of the spawn of all that unSaved trash!


(and quit making them out of borax and asbestos!)

Old Man Hatchet 02-03-2011 03:21 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Oakland "Reb" Griner (Post 687956)
Why don't they put Scriptures upon them?

What a great idea. I'm glad I thought of it.

http://i.imgur.com/TFgMv.jpg

Try reading the posts to which you are responding. It might prevent you from looking like an ass.

Oakland "Reb" Griner 02-03-2011 03:28 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Indeed.

Felicity 02-03-2011 03:47 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
@Old Man Hatchet Your hearts are great! Your own heart must be the kindest that Jesus ever made! :wub:

Daisy Mae Johnson 02-03-2011 05:29 PM

Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes!
 
3 Attachment(s)
What a wonderful idea brother. I think I will take some with me and hurl them at the queers I see in the Mall.

Old Man Hatchet 02-03-2011 05:41 PM

Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson (Post 688016)
What a wonderful idea brother. I think I will take some with me and hurl them at the queers I see in the Mall.

Those are magnificent, Sister! I'd like permission to have your eloquent words inscribed on some Hatchet Hearts© for next year. It's too late this year unfortunately. They're all packaged and ready to go.

Daisy Mae Johnson 02-03-2011 10:13 PM

Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet (Post 688022)
Those are magnificent, Sister! I'd like permission to have your eloquent words inscribed on some Hatchet Hearts© for next year. It's too late this year unfortunately. They're all packaged and ready to go.


Of course you have my permission.

Here is my order for your GODLY Hatchet Hearts

1 case of "You Make JESUS Puke"

1 Case of "You're a Harlot"

1 Case of "Hate the Sinner and the Sin"

I'll need these in time for Valentine's Day. Can you just bring them with you to Sunday Services?

Thanks. :thumbsup:

Old Man Hatchet 02-03-2011 11:28 PM

Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson (Post 688211)
Can you just bring them with you to Sunday Services?

Thanks. :thumbsup:

Do I look like a Negro servant who lugs boxes around town? I'll have my wife deliver them to your front door.

Rev. M. Rodimer 02-07-2011 07:35 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Brother, all I can see is red Xs where the Hatchet Hearts should be. :(

Felicity 02-07-2011 10:01 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
@Rev. M. Rodimer It seems a demon ate the pictures, I fixed them now. Thank you for mentioning it! :)

Lost Sheep McUinnean 02-07-2011 12:11 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Excellent idea brethren. How about some Crucifixion scenes or visions of Hell on the flip side?

Humbly yours, McUinnean.

SUV 02-07-2011 02:04 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
http://i.imgur.com/eOu8U.jpg

I really like this one. That is, I love to Hate it/Hate to love it.

Just kidding; I really do like it. Sister Thumper's. too :thumbsup:

Rev. M. Rodimer 02-07-2011 09:09 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Felicity (Post 690486)
@Rev. M. Rodimer It seems a demon ate the pictures, I fixed them now. Thank you for mentioning it! :)

Excellent work, young Sister!

Oh, and what Godly messages the hearts share! :yahoo:

How about, "DOGS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN"? :giggle:

Cursed 02-08-2011 12:29 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer (Post 690666)
Excellent work, young Sister!

Oh, and what Godly messages the hearts share! :yahoo:

How about, "DOGS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN"? :giggle:

Nooooo!

Jessi Lynn 02-08-2011 08:48 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet (Post 687951)
What is the single greatest threat to American schools? Lack of funding? Ineffectual curricula? Violence? No, no, and no. The answer is candy hearts.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...Ud6n7RDSljDuyw

With messages like "You're sweet" and "Be mine" scrawled on their chalky surfaces, candy hearts can incite premarital yearning glances and even hand-holding. The racier messages like "Cutie pie" and "Hug me" can lead to Caligula-type orgies involving enormous bowls of fruit, mandals, laurel wreaths, ostentatious wine goblets, and slave boys.

Now, I will say that these candy hearts get children reading. Given that this generation makes Corky look like Doogie Howser, I guess that counts for something.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...3g-YE7YMYpl1Gx http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...NGynO-OYvTQbYA

(A quick aside--I was not fond of the 90s trend of TV characters having "cute" and "unique" names like Corky, Doogie, Blossom, and Urkel. Guess what? Just because your name is Doogie doesn't make you special. You're just like all of the other kids who graduated Princeton at the age of 10 and finished medical school by 14.)

There is only one way to combat this menace. We need to cancel out the lust and depravity of candy heart messages with Godly words and phrases. Send your child to school equipped with Hatchet Hearts©. Hatchet Hearts© are delightful, heart-shaped candies inscribed with inspirational words and important Bible chapter and verse numbers.

http://i.imgur.com/P7JFi.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/zo2hU.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/TFgMv.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/eOu8U.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/T2DQC.jpg

I've even designed some especially for teachers.
http://i.imgur.com/1PHsq.jpghttp://i.imgur.com/qKBaf.jpg

Order your Hatchet Hearts© today so that they arrive by the 14th! Order forms can be found in the church office. You'll be doing something good for your child's school and helping to pay the deductible on the prostate surgery I'm having done in March.

Brother Hatchet, you truly are a brilliant man!

SUV 02-08-2011 02:55 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 

Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead :(

Jet O'Niell 02-09-2011 12:40 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Brother Hatchet, what a fine idea you have. I detest the ones I already see going around campus. I wish I was here and saw this sooner, then I would've ordered a few boxes. Alas, I cannot, for I just finished purchasing the school materials I need for my new semester, and my first few days have been treacherous, which is why I haven't been on here for awhile.
Back on subject; good idea and hope you can sell plenty and your prostate surgery will be a success.

Cursed 02-09-2011 09:18 AM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SUV (Post 691200)
Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead :(

I am sorry, Princess SUV; anyone who observes me for even a short while quickly understands the wisdom in God's curse against bastards (Deuteronomy 23:1-2).

Although I have not yet passed the BABS Program due to my dull wits and surly disposition, I will endeavor to persevere until I graduate!

I hope and pray to one day be worthy of mowing your lawn, or any other such menial duties you would grant to your humble servant.

Daisy Mae Johnson 02-11-2012 08:10 PM

Re: Hatchet Hearts
 
4 Attachment(s)
Brother Hatchet, are you bringing boxes of your VD hearts to Church this year?

I have some new ones I've ordered. I hope they get here by tomorrow so I can throw them at all the sinners in the Mall in Leviticus Landing on Tuesday.

I could use a few volunteers from the Congregation who have a good arm.

L:heart:ve,

Sister Thumper


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