Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

I only ask that the one I am seeking is a True Christian™ female and has not previously been married before. Do not expect me to enjoy fornication with you. I am only seeking a woman who will obey me and will understand that our marriage is strictly to recruit more soldiers for the Lord. If you are into that fangled jazz music, you can turn around now. Understand that I will not love you more than Brother Harry Porter who has reformed me of the gay ways. Also understand that NOBODY will have my attention more than Jesus Christ. Any takers?

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

At this point in human history almost everything has been tried and has worked to gain marriage; I'm pretty sure this will too.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Brother Bubba,
As you may have discovered from hopping about the forums gaily, (happily), I am also unwed. It appears you are significantly older than I, having spent most of your life in the sin of homerism, missing out on the joy of having a True Christian™ in your life.


It will likely be harder for you to find someone than I, but it has proven quite difficult even for a handsome, young, hard-bodied certified equine gnathologist about to become a veterinarian by mail. My prayer for you is simple: that you find much comfort and respite in the ministries of Brother Porter until the right spinster comes along and takes pity on you. Brother Porter will happily provide after care (have you discussed his fees?) until the next young buck comes along to take your place. Then, of course, he'll have to devote himself to that person and so on and so on and so on. Praise God!


In your loneliness, remember that GOD never forsakes you (Deuteronomy 31:8) (Hebrews 13:5) so you will never truly be alone. Stay on your knees, brother, and wallow in the love of the LORD.


In friendship,
BrotherLarry


PS: Pastor Ezekiel is back. If you haven't started tithing I highly recommend it. Like, um, today.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

:hmmm:

I'd need to see your income tax returns for the past 10 years. As a delicate True Christian™ lady I just cannot be exposed to the harsh living conditions of a person earning less than six figures, I'm sure you understand. :innocent:

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Oh of course Maam. I am the most successful pig trainer in the entire country of the United States. I have trained pigs to play baseball, manage farm lands, and even have some pigs who are working on Donald Trump's campaign trails. My clientelle pay me very well for my services and I make about 340k a year. Mind you that a lot of that goes towards tithing, however. I go beyond the customary 10 percent too. If you cannot handle this, I am afraid it may not work out for you.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

I dunno, there's something fishy about you. I'll better leave it in the hands of our Department of Faith, dear. Later, my Pastor will advise me how to proceed based on the DoF recommendation.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

I think you are doing the right thing, so as not to break Bubba's heart. As Carlos Castenada said:


“Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use.”


As many know, Castenada is an American spic born in Peru, Mexico. He wrote books and stuff - highly unusual for messicans.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Exactly. Let the DoF do it for me! :innocent:

And according to people who knew him, the easiest/quickest way to make him angry was to call him the original version of his last name, "Castañeda." Apparently it was a true joy to see him transform from a calm guru into a raging crazy person with a simple nasalization of an alveolar consonant! :laughing:

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Oh, dear, should we be discussing such things here?


Distressedly Yours,


Handmaiden

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Sister Handy,

As a certified equine gnathologist and future veterinarian and Creation Scientist, I took the time to research this and came up with the result that this is a perfectly tame anatomical term. In gnathology, we often have to concern ourselves with the jaw section containing the tooth sockets. This presents itself in humans also. There are also alveoli in the lungs; alveolar can refer to that as well. I hope this relaxes your pretty mind.

Since you said you have horse teeth, it is useful information to possess. My offer is still open to examine you thoroughly and begin treatment recommendations in conjunction with a human dentist.

In True Christian™ Concern,
BrotherLarry

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Larry, my friend,

First of all, I am investigating these trademarks and copyrights found throughout this site. I'm doubtful as to their authenticity.

Next - and maybe more important - you live in a town where there are literally MILLIONS of beautiful women. There's a hot little number that works in Rao's up in Harlem. I can help you get reservations there (you won't get them without my assistance since they are often booked a year out). She'd date you if I gave you a recommendation. No fee for that service, son.

Why pick on these country idiots who are living in another time? And I am not going to harp on this, but why did you leave New York University to take some online class in horse teeth?

I'll talk to a friend at NYU and get you back in. Might not be until January, but you need to step up your game if you're going to land the big bucks and the hot chicks.

M. Hezekiah, Esq
Atty at Law

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Aww, thank you BrotherLarry. I have often been told that I have a beautiful mind, but never a pretty one.


Yes, I do still have a slight overbite, even after having worn braces. Furthermore, I have a very wide jaw. One dentist even compared it to the bisecting jaws of a snake, which I found rather hurtful at the time. Still, my wisdom teeth have never given me a moment's concern, so I guess that I must be grateful for all the extra room.





What do deer and chickens have to do with any of this? BrotherLarry works with horses and he's looking for a fine young True Christian wife to be his helpmeet. Please attempt to stay on topic and within the same biological order.


Cladistically Yours,


Handmaiden

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

It's true. Even for young Christians it's difficult. I wish you the best of luck in your search.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Hi! :bye: Bubba, Andrea here I am a true Christian perhaps I regularly went to church every Sunday. How are things going in there? Are you still looking for a partner? :wub:

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

I've highlighted the word. What happened? Perhaps in your introduction thread you could clear up whether or not you have attended Church and why you stopped.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Hi Bubba,

I'm looking to form a godly union. You were kind enough to reply to some of my questions before and I remember you fondly.


I do want to experience a full Christian marriage, and have been waiting, are you looking for that or not?


Thank you for your time to reply


Ann :innocent:

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Ann, weren't you supposed to be getting married a few months ago? I hope you didn't do anything to cause the engagement to be broken off.

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

He was choosing between my sister and me. He chose her, I think cause she is younger.

I didn't do anything wrong...


I'm only 17, so I don't think I'm too old!


Ann

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Ann,


It is well known that Bubba is a few shingles short of a roof. At 17 you have at least another year or two for your father to find a true Godly man for you. Put Bubba on the backburner. It can be hard for Orientals but patience will bring its rewards


Phil

Re: Seeking a True Christian™ female to marry.
 

Ain't no one gonna wed your old ass... if you broadened your choice of ladies then you could always go to the old age home. HAIL SATAN! GOD DIED IN THE GREAT WAR OF WARS AGAINST THE ANGELS, FALLEN ANGELS AND DEVILS!!! THE GREAT ONES WILL RETURN AND WILL SMITE ALL YOU PATHETIC FOOLS WHO CALL THENSELVES A CHRISTIAN! SIRZECHS WILL DESTROY ALL YOU WHO OPPOSE HIM! THE RED DRAGON HAS COME AND AZAZEL WILL SMITE THEE!!!