How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

I have been asked how one might speak in person and directly to Landover’s beloved leader and inspiration, Pastor Ezekiel (Zeke) Flint.

This is an excellent question as Landover has, since 1620, prided itself (in a very humble way) on the accessibility of all its Pastors to all who seek Salvation. To that end, the following convenient and simple method is used:

However, before we progress, please note, that the necessity to speak to Pastor Flint will only occur if (i) you are still conflicted about the advice received from one of our many Pastors and (ii) it relates to matters that are of public interest to the fundamental issues of Baptist faith and (iii) the conflict is not addressed the Mission Statement (and supplementary documentation) of Landover Baptist Church.

If those very reasonable conditions are met, the following procedure should be followed.

At dawn, lay the carcass of a dove (not a pigeon) on the altar of the Lamentations Flint Chapel. At sundown of that day, a Pastor will appear unto you and he will ask you three questions related to your Faith. If you answer them correctly, he will provide to you a quill with which you will write your name upon the piece of papyrus provided. The Pastor will then instruct you to burn this papyrus in a fire made of tumbleweed. The following morning, Pastor Zeke will appear unto you, and at this point you may ask your question. I must warn you, show due respect and do not look him directly in the eye.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Pastor Bathfire,

Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?

Phil

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Thanks. I'll let my friend know.


Phil

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Lambs are seasonal, of course. In Godless Britain, it is quite difficult to find them until early Spring, though I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope. :seestars:

Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Thank you Sister. Most helpful. However, a single dove seems about one short; the Bible mentions two turtledoves. Three French hens or a partridge might be substituted at one's own risk or otherwise, to be certain of satisfaction, a lamb. One tenth part of an ephah* of fine flour may pass muster in a pinch, but why risk it?!


* an ancient Hebrew unit of dry measure equal to ¹/₁₀ homer

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Their upside-downedness is especially egregious considering the fact that they are just as right side up as every other country on this flat earth. Surely the cause must truly be the cumulative effect of generations of fetal alcohol syndrome.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

My friend is a fellow congregant at Pastor Trewhella's Mercy Seat Christian Church in Milwaukee.


In Wisconsin, dove hunting season is from Sept 1 to Nov 29, so there is some time for my friend to bag a few, and perhaps put some in the freezer for off season applications to Pastor Zeke.


2019migratoryforecast.pdf (wi.gov)


Phil

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

There is no way on God's green Earth that I would sacrifice a frozen dove on Pastor Zeke's altar.

I agree that a bullock would be the best sacrifice, but please be sure that it is an unblemished bullock. If you don't have one at hand, they are available for purchase in the Church gift shop.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

I don't care about doves. Most people don't care about doves. How is that a sacrifice? Seems to me a real sacrifice would be to slaughter the family pet as an offering unto Pastor Ezekiel.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

JF Christ! I expect anyone who dares to address me directly to be a sin-free born-again LBC Christian. In case you're a sinner and wish to speak to me, you will have to be satisfied with communicating your whinings to me through Jesus my Pal. Just pray that He forward your pitiful yearnings to me. Anyways, I'm in communication with Him on a 24/7 basis. Of course, if you're a sinner, He will not hear you! :lol:In addition, substantial donations to our Church are a good indication of a sincere will to become a follower of me and JFC - gold, platinum, palladium and in extreme cases decent amounts of silver accepted.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

I get really nervous when this happens. Liberty University just hired a head- hunting firm to help find it a new President. You have to know they will put Pastor Zeke on their list.

We don't know if Liberty can come up with a package to beat the one we pay him. I'm sure they will not give him an Airbus 320. All the same, let's be pouring love and money on our Pastor Zeke.


Liberty U names executive search firm to hire next president | U.S. News (christianpost.com)


https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/i...KEsqg&usqp=CAU

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

Mr. Mayor, I took the liberty (pun intended) to bring the yearly poll forward so Pastor Zeke can see how much he is feared loved.

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

I sometimes fellowship with a guy whose brother works in the mimeograph office at Liberty. He told me that Pastor Ezekiel and Donald Trump are the two early favorites for the job. It makes sense--both embody the Christian values that Liberty promotes, both have led successful organizations that included prestigious universities, the Landover Baptist University and Trump University, both are beloved by the Lord, and neither is tainted by any hint of sexual scandal.

As a church community, we need to up the package we're offering Pastor Zeke to make it impossible for him to leave. What is the extra $100 or $200 million per year we'd need to pay him compared to the enlightened leadership Pastor Ezekiel provides? We could structure it creatively to include royalties on our tv ministries, tent revivals, traveling puppet shows, Biblical trading cards business, Pastor Ezekiel lunchboxes, the Thief in the Night podcast, church-branded disciplinary rods for beating children and wives, the Zeke of the Week screen saver app, the Baby Jesus line of infant clothing and accessories, Landover Baptist Church on Ice, etc. I'm sure the Jews in accounting and legal will have some great ideas on how to use offshore accounts to minimize the taxes.

We're the world's largest Evangelical megachurch. We're well enough endowed that we can offer Pastor Ezekiel a large package to make him stay. So let's make this happen!

Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor
 

The problem we face are the opportunities for side hustles. Jerry Falwell Jr. is now listed as worth $100 million. Nearly all of this was wheeling and dealing side hustles in real estate while still President at Liberty. I'm aware Pastor Zeke now has some side hustles but for us to compete with Liberty, we will need bigger ones. Apparently, we have a little time before Liberty comes. Let's work on this.