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-   The introduction forum (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16)
-   -   Introducing post! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=88653)

Mr. Sam Woo 03-24-2013 11:26 PM

Introducing post!
 
Hello my friends!

Mr. Woo here, owner of all 3 Freehold Dry Cleaners location! Including in-house Landover Laundry service for Landover Baptist Church Cathedral!

If you no know me, you know my nephew Jimmy Woo. He commute into Freehold seven days a week to run my cleaners for me.

Jimmy not focus enough! He want to be actor and get him white girlfriend, I think. I told him are you crazy? No white girl gonna date a Chinese guy!

Any how, I think he let my business fall to shit! I call up my good friend, your Mayor Johnny Joe Freehold. I told him I gonna move to Freehold to keep an eye on my business!

Johnny say only Christian allow to live in Freehold! Him say I have to get save first! I ask him how and he say make a introduction thread and accept Jesus so here I am!

Johnny Joe Freehold is great guy! Jimmy say he like to call him up and say, "Herro? Is this Randover Raundry service prease? You have ancient Chinese secret for me?"

That always crack me up when I think of it!

Mayor Freehold tell me I gotta tell you what church I go and my favorite Bible verse. No time for church! My favorite Bible verse Proverbs 13:4 because it tell you to WORK HARD and not be lazy slug like my nephew Jimmy:

Quote:

箴言 13:4
Chinese Contemporary Bible (CCB)
4 懒惰人空有幻想,
勤快人心想事成。

Very nice to meet all of you! I no know what Johnny Freehold mean when he say accept Jesus but I happy to accept! Look forward to meet you all in person soon! If you know good realtor in Freehold, you have him call me! Tell him I just take a look. Not buying today!

Pastor Ezekiel 03-24-2013 11:30 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Hing-chong ching chong.

(That's jap for "what are you doing in a Christian forum?")

Stay off the streets of Freehold after dark, if you know what's good for you Hop-Sing.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

Faith_Machine 03-24-2013 11:36 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Not so fast there, buddy. You think they let just anybody move to Freehold? Have you even been in touch with the Freehold Homeowner's Association?

Anyway, hi. I see that you live in San Francisco. I wonder if you've ever seen me preaching on the street in China Town? I do that frequently.

Is that opium you're smoking?

David Rothstein 03-25-2013 12:00 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Sam Woo (Post 989204)
Very nice to meet all of you! I no know what Johnny Freehold mean when he say accept Jesus but I happy to accept! Look forward to meet you all in person soon! If you know good realtor in Freehold, you have him call me! Tell him I just take a look. Not buying today!

Good luck. I have offered the corn-fed denizens of Freehold several outstanding business opportunities that would have substantially increased the tax rolls, yet was shunned and denied because I am a Jew.

Be warned, the bigotry and racial hate will prevail over common sense. Freehold is a depressingly sad community of ignorant and insecure mouth-breathing fundamentalists.

Shalom,

David

James Hutchins 03-25-2013 12:00 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Remember the deal.
No mention of the stains on Pastoral robes, I do not discuss the multiple 'family members' arriving in the containers of my truck.

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 12:16 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Yeah Faith Machine, I know you! You the guy always come in my store with airplane glue stain on your pants! I tell you again and again, why you no build snap-together model? Avoid getting front of your pants all crusty from glue drippings!

Mr. Hutchins, I have to talk to you about last delivery! Was only 9 girl! What happen to number 10?

Pastor Ezekiel can you make me Christian now? I wanna get this show on the road. Time is money, my friend, time is money!

Dr. Isaiah Jones 03-25-2013 12:21 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Herro,

cheng-gong ping pong

ding dong ping ling?

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 12:24 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Oh sorry David Shylock, I no see your post! Why you talk trash about these nice people? You try to rip them off?

Alexandria Puckett 03-25-2013 12:29 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Sam Woo (Post 989218)
Pastor Ezekiel can you make me Christian now? I wanna get this show on the road. Time is money, my friend, time is money!

Mr. Woo, I'm sorry, but you are being extremely disrespectful. I know you can at least grasp the idea of Christianity! Haven't you even heard of the religion at all? Nobody can "make" you a Christian...I'm sorry I'm personally offended and hurt by this. If anyone needs me I'll be praying on my porch swing.

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 01:39 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
I no understand. Christian like Buddhist, right? You take vows, you in the club. I ready to take vows now!

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 05:02 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
What is this? Somebody change my picture!

And then I get this message:

Quote:

Dear Mr. Sam Woo,

You have received an infraction at The Landover Baptist Church Forum.

Reason: Sexing it up for satan
-------
This is God's Church, not a smut shop. Kindly dispense with hawking filthy sexual products. This is not gooktown.
-------

This infraction is worth 66 point(s) and may result in restricted access until it expires. Serious infractions will never expire.

Original Post:
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?p=989251

Quote:
Hey buddy, we all been there! I know it not fun when you can't please your wife!

You stick with me buddy, I got powdered rhinoceros horn! Shhhh! Very hush, hush! Loose lips sink ships, right buddy?

I sell you small vial for $300. Normally $350, but I give you deal! One pinch of rhino powder and you can keep it up for days!

I 73 years old! Works like a charm every time!

You send me your number, buddy, I take care of you!


All the best,
The Landover Baptist Church Forum

And why it says Unsaved Trash? I try to help a guy with traditional Chinese medicine! Chinese medicine the best! You guys don't even know about Qi.

BelieverInGod 03-25-2013 06:01 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Sam Woo (Post 989297)
What is this? Somebody change my picture!

And then I get this message:




And why it says Unsaved Trash? I try to help a guy with traditional Chinese medicine! Chinese medicine the best! You guys don't even know about Qi.

Okay, I know this is about as unladylike as I can possibly get :( but it's a question that has bothered me for years.

Since 99.999999% of chink "medicine" is based on **ahem** virility, can't chink men get it up? I mean if you need to eat the penis of every animal that has ever walked the face of the earth, and any part of the animal that even remotely looks like a penis (i.e. rhino horn) just to breed, how is it there's a billion of you around.


Of course that also leads me to ask, how is the Chinese population growing when they're only allowed one child per family.

Do chink women have litters? Do they lay eggs? What's the deal?

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 06:08 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
I 73 years old! I only need rhino horn since I was 65. Yeah, one child per family is only in mainland China. Lot of people no want their daughters because of it! No problem for me! Creates good opportunity for import/export business, if you know what I mean!

Mr. Sam Woo 03-25-2013 06:13 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
I change my picture back! I hope this Harold Porter no try to mess with me! I got friend in high places! I bet I could pick up phone and then Harold Porter be getting lots of parking tickets everywhere he go!

Maybe we get off on wrong foot though. You think Harold Porter will help me be Christian?

I pay a girl to come to my office and read me Bible starting tomorrow morning!

Faith_Machine 03-25-2013 06:52 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Really, you're going to cause Brother Harold Porter to get parking tickets? Sounds like you have delusions of grandeur, Mr. Woo.

Better you should stick to things you know, like cleaning my pants.

BelieverInGod 03-25-2013 07:43 AM

Re: Introducing post!
 
If they only need it after "65" that doesn't explain the huge market and why so many animals are used.

I'm sorry, I think I need to go to my prayer closet, this is leading my mind into unsafe territory.

Mr. Sam Woo 03-26-2013 07:03 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Yesterday morning the girl come and read me Bible in my office. She come again today. You know what minimum wage is in SF? TEN DOLLAR AND HOUR! This costing me lot of money! We get through Genesis, but it no make sense! Nothing about Jesus in there. Can I skip ahead to Jesus part? Time is money, my friend, time is money!

Maybe I make donation to church? You know, a little something to sweeten the wheels of progress!

Faith_Machine 03-26-2013 09:47 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
You don't need to pay some girl San Francisco's excessively high minimum wage to read the Bible. Get it on audio book and tell her to lift herself up by her own bootstraps!

Seth Campbell 03-26-2013 10:02 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
What kind of trash are we letting into our Godly forum?

Something stinks like a Chinese garbage heap :bad:

Alterboy 03-26-2013 11:30 PM

Re: Introducing post!
 
Mr. Woo my girlfriend asked me to ask you why her dresses always come back with hard, dry whitish stains?
Please stop eating mayonaise around her garments. Everytime when we go out on a chaperoned date I end up with really bad rashes where by skin touched said white marks!
YIC,
Jon.

So glad to see you are finally dropping your Buddhist Satanic ways.


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