List of foods now prohibited in True Christian™ households!
After a special meeting of the Ladies of Landover, it has now been determined to ban the following foods from True Christian™ households. Bear in mind this is as well as all Biblical prohibitions, so don't start boiling those lobsters yet!
To avoid encouraging sodomy Bananas Cucumbers Carrots Eggplants Walnuts Salamis Pepperonis Count Dracula cereal (gateway to gothicness as well) Grape Nuts Corn dogs Fruit Loops Skittles Papist wafers Captain Crunch Zucchini Summer Squash Summer Sausage Bratwurst Any kind of Gourd Keilbasa Choriszzo Puffed Wheat Churros Hippies are Godless scum Tofu Arugula Goat cheese Granola Alfalfa sprouts Asparagus Brownies (we know what they add!) If God wanted your husband to be a rabbit, He would have created him as one Lettuce Carrots (again) Beets Turnips We're AMERICANS, so no fancy foreign stuff! Tacos Burritos Kiwi fruits Brussels sprouts Guacamole Red peppers French fries (Freedom fries are acceptable and welcome!) Pizza (especially if it has pepperonis (see above)) Lucky Charms cereal Snails Frog legs Rice Sushi Burger King French Toast Sticks or any French Toast Keilbasa (Polacks are also papists!) Choriszzo (I don't even know what this is, but according to Sister BTB it belongs on the list twice!) Haggis Curry Couscous abuelita-granulado Because nobody likes them anyway Spinach Lima beans Broccoli Eel Squid Look what happened when Eve got ahold of one! Apples (except in pie form) Reminder that it's the devil's fruit Pumpkins Please bear in mind that this list is not yet complete, and can be added to. Any suggestions that have been missed are greatly appreciated. |
Re: List of foods now prohibited in True Christian™ households
Just a reminder; the ban on pumpkin possession is still in effect. Those are satan's favorite fruits, people. Call a Pastor if you see your neighbor even touch one.
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Members are warned to be cautious of death by sugar.
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Re: List of foods now prohibited in True Christian™ households
Pastor Zeke, I heard a rumor that Reggie Bundy is planning on making a pumpkin patch on the outskirts of town, in the old car lot where Grand Ave. peters out into a dirt road. You might remember him as that man who not only let his kids go out trick-or-treating, but let them dress as a witch and a devil. Supposedly since he's been out of work for the last six months, he's investing the last of his money into the pumpkin patch to keep his home from foreclosure and to feed his kids.
I think we should wait after he spends all his money, then have Bobby-Joe and "the plumbers" go and deal with the situation. There ain't gonna be any jack o'lanterns around Freehold this year. B) |
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I am happy to report the only thing on the list in our house was commercially grown, Iceburg lettuce. I have to admit, I love the crunch on my Roast Beef with American cheese (white) on home made sourdough bread.
Unless the food is 100% American, picked (or killed) by hand in the US of A, we do not touch it. |
Re: List of foods now prohibited in True Christian™ households
We should add a list of homer causing food as well, such as Skittles and Froot loops -- or perhaps add it under the Hippies are Godless scum category.
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Summer Squash Summer Sausage Bratwurst Any kind of Gord Keilbasa (also add to the Anti-American Food List) Choriszzo (also add to the Anti-American Food List) Burger King French Toast Sticks or any French Toast (also add to the Anti-American Food List) Puffed Wheat (Also add to Hippies List) Brownies (Gay AND Anti-American) Breakfast sausage links are OK because they are American and soooooo delicious. Although at my house I only make the patties and not the links. :thumbsup: |
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Oops -- completely missed that part about the non-phallic sodomy items already being included.
And since I am single and have little food in the house anyway, I am definitely out of my area of expertise. That reminds me -- the few things in my fridge are growing fuzz again. Time for another clean out. |
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Choriszzo (also add to the Anti-American Food List)
Glad to see that culinary abomination on the list !! Who ever thunk up making sausage out of an animals lymphatic and immune systems tissues was totally depraved. |
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UnAmerican foods: Curry Couscous Anything served with a goat's ear |
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I will stop eating those foods IF and only IF
1) I get valid reasons to do so. 2) You tell me why and each fruit/whatever is forbidden. 100 character limit for each one good luck! |
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I'm sure glad that pancakes didn't make this list. And popcorn, too. Are waffles OK as long as you don't call them Belgican waffles?
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