The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
Several of the Pastors who are my age remember the great and lasting pleasure that this simple challenge brought in their childhood years and so it has been agreed that it will be re-introduced All literate children up to the age of 10 years old may enter. The rules are simple.
Matthew 6:19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: 7. On Christmas Day, the child should compare his copy of both lists with what he has actually received, and then send the results to the duty Pastor.For example, the lack of an iPhone 9 from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas the lack of an iPhone 9 from Jesus will merely mean that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate. A lack of “Humility” from the Santa list will show that Santa is not real, whereas a lack of “Humility” from Jesus will demonstrate (i) that Jesus has said “Yes” but is waiting until the child can fully comprehend its meaning, or (ii) that humility has been granted but “in secret” or (iii) that parental Christian instruction has been woefully inadequate. 8. The results of the Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge (and your child’s position within that challenge) will be announced on Dec. 31st at all main Services.The New Year will begin with an opportunity for failing parents who wish to remain members of the congregation to join the “Christian Parenting Classes”. The fees are “to be announced” but will be broadly in line with the actual costs. *To go to good causes as defined in but not restricted to paragraphs 2278 – 4490 of the Church’s Constitution (as amended) where applicable and where State or National Law allows. |
Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
Ho ho ho! It's Santa here! Bathy-boy, what a challenge! You are having a bit of a tantrum, aren't you sweet baby boy! The premise for your challenge is false. You presume that I would deliver whatever a child asks me to. I don't. I deliver according to works, being nice or naughty. The algorithm to calculate the intricate balance between these two extremes determines what the child will receive. It might be an iPhone but it might be something much more fun and eventually nicer. I deliver what you need, not necessarily what you crave.
https://i1.wp.com/i144.photobucket.c...-telephone.jpg Of course, regarding your challenge you'll be able to obtain any predetermined result that you're craving for. As for your naughtiness level, I'd be careful if I were you, Ezzie-babyboy, my verbose manchild! You don't have to believe in me, I can still watch you and at the moment what you're gonna get is... https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/23...22f83f9200.jpg |
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A Catlick, eh? Quote:
Judge not lest ye be judged! (I'd ask you if that rang a bell, but as you are one of the pope's minions, and the Bible is a closed book to you, it won't!) Quote:
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Oh so you're the one who gave those cans to my brother back in '52! Let me tell you that they cut his ear open, sepsis set in and he was known as "One-eared Hezekiah" from then on! Damn well ruined his life you did! Hope you're pleased with yourself! Quote:
One more thing while you're there! Where're you getting all you cheap presents? China? Wait until Mr Trump's tariffs bite. Buy American! A sack of coal is a practical present for anyone! |
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Anyway, I have a challenge to you! I know the Bible and, at the end, the authors gives the impression that the adventures of the protagonist would soon continue. Well, we've been expecting the sequel for a couple of millennia and it's always gonna be "next year" or the "one after that". Here's the challenge: I promise to visit many many homes at Christmas as my umpteenth coming. If anyone sees me and takes a photo, I win. If Jesus comes back with as reliable evidence, you win. In that case, I'll deliver you a hot garden bath over fire! https://lidalaurina.files.wordpress....15a1246c31.jpg Ho ho ho! Darling boy, ain't he cute when he's angry or having an emotional outburst, just like his great-granddad all those years ago in Bath, Good ol' England, where he was in the fire brigade and managed t |
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I can still hear his screams as the demons were removed with his ear. I think you’ve ruined the peace of Christmas for me! Quote:
There is, I admit, one theological problem: “Jesus will come back like a thief in the night”, i.e. when we least expect it. There are 7 billion of us on this planet, and if everyone thought He would come back on different days, then He couldn’t come back on any of those days, this would delay His return for about 20 million years – a situation that cannot be tolerated. Back in the day (IIRC it was in 1949) Lamentations Flint ordered every date from that date until 2500 to be written on a piece of paper. All the pieces were put in a huge box in a very dark room. Lamentations Flint went into the room, delved into the box under the inspiration of God, and took one date from them all. He placed the piece of paper with the date into a small box and locked it. The huge box and its contents were then burned and the box place in the moist secure safe in the most secure vault at Landover Church. That is the date upon which Jesus will return. But nobody knows it. Your photo idea is stupid: I saw a Darkie last year dressed as you – nobody goes around dressed as Jesus. :angry: |
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It was 1948. I do remember it correctly. You have just the tiniest touch of old Alzies, don't you? And it was I who gave him both the big box and the small box but it was Jesus who gave the smallpox to those members of the household that had neglected the vaccinations and also managed to avoid the bovine intimacy that would have given them the protection of the cowpox. Considering the many, many interactions between cattle and the Flint household young men that was still surprisingly many. Those were the days. Happy memories. Anyway. The small box. I manufactured it, delivered it and I always always have spare keys in case there's desperate customer feedback. I asked one of my elfs to look into the box. I am sorry to tell you that the date - unsurprisingly - has expired. Eze-muffin. There was never any challenge. There's lots more actual material tangible evidence about me than about Jesus. I know that your lot is high on eyewitness testimony. I have billions. Jesus has hearsay and expired appeals to authority that you call the Book. My evidence is in every single tacky piece of plastic action figures and household appliances and unmentionably transparent lingerie and every single package soon to be delivered. I know that this is bad news to you and I am merciful. Here's an extra gift en attendant someone else who could wipe your tears. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/14/0b...bb057965fa.jpg Ho ho ho! |
Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
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You can have no concept of the spiritual turmoil and suffering of having to live through such times: Darkies being taught to march outside a parade through New Orleans; having to cope with women wanting to prevent new life, and children as young as 18 furtively leafing through that evil tome! The Jews thought they had it bad a few years earlier, but ours was a living death and many souls were lost to Satan. All the world’s ills flowed directly from these. It was ’49. Quote:
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Tell me
Here’s something to for you to drink: I’ve more available if you’re still suffering delusions. |
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Anyway, I anticipated your anticipation of our visit and the Latvian fellow was only a decoy. Moreover, we have anticipated your anticipation that we would have anticipated your move - we are at least 3-4 anticipations ahead, so the fact remains: Lamentably Flint Elder's data expired years ago. :( Quote:
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https://www.a3bs.com/imagelibrary/W4...art-German.jpg Ho Howdy Ho! Ho. |
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And is not “science so-called” merely “hearsay and unconfirmed eyewitness reports”? Some scientist without a moral compass amuses himself and serves Satan (or Santa) by trolling the ignorant… and you swallow it whole because you hate Jesus! I have no idea why you are showing pictures of a plastic brain… You would do better to speak of the “heart” and the “bowels” and the “reins”: Psalms:73:21: Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. Jer:4:19: My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war. I have a full complement of all of those – I’m not so sure about you. ____________________________________________ Look, "Santa" or whoever you are, the math is against you. The Sons of Adam number 7 billion upon the face of the earth. As was foretold, we are as numerous as the stars in the sky!And the weak of faith Christian (we will assume that all are Christian, for that is how all mankind is born) gives and receives, say 5 presents - that's 35 Billion presents to be delivered in 24 hours. That's 1.5 Billion an hour at 1,000mph. You start off with a sleigh that has to weigh 150,000 ton laden, and you've not even climbed down a chimney yet! One moment's thought would lead us to the conclusion of "Only God could do that!" But He doesn't need to because He has given us the Ultimate Gift of Salvation! So, you are either God, or you are delusional! As you reject God, and God does not reject Himself (In fact, He spends most of the Bible affirming Himself!) then there is only one conclusion. Which shade of straight-jacket do you prefer and are you size XXXXL? |
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I can now see a problem. You seem to expect that I require Faith. I don't. I only assess the naughty/nice-axis. Regardless of the Faith I deliver. This is the main difference between me and Jesus. Nor am I planning to appear at an unexpected point of time and start destroying the environment by polluting the waters and by delivering poisonous locust-scorpion hybrids. I deliver plastic toys, games, videos, frying pans, robotic vacuum cleaners, gift baskets and stuff, not vials of wrath. That is why there never was any challenge. Instead of an insecure eternity, people turn to action figures painted with tacky colors. Wouldn't you just love a present depicted below? I bet you would, Ezzie, my runny-nosed superboy :wub:! http://blog.gigawidget.com/wp-conten...11-224x300.jpg Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho:) |
Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
I remember when I was a younger girl I’d swear I would hear you breaking through my windows of my trailer. You used to wake me up in the middle of the night and my Pa would have to calm me with his usual midnight slurred speech that it’s just YOU checking on the tree. Not that it made me feel any better YOU CREEP! You even broke in during the non winter months! Thankfully by the time I ran into the living room you were already chased off by my Pa!
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If you mean Christian Faith (the one true ‘Faith’) then as you were born a Christian, it doesn’t take a lot to get used to having it. The benefits are enormous and bountiful, and you’d be stupid not to accept Jesus. But wait… you believe that you are of indeterminate age, fly through the air on a sleigh pulled by reindeer and work one day a year… It’s possible you might be stupid. However, even the childlike(i.e. simple-minded) can come to Jesus. Quote:
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As it happens, Jesus too assesses the “naughty/nice-axis” or as we say “godliness/sin” axis, and unlike you He has a book of guidance giving absolute morals – whereas you seem to let anyone do anything, so how you can tell the difference without a moral compass,I frankly have no idea! Quote:
I have shown above that your sleigh weighs c. 150,000 ton at the start and, we can say in comparison to a semi, about 2,000 ton empty. Now, simply take to conversion rate of reindeer fodder to energy of a 24 hour period of pulling that sleigh from 0-1000mph, about 2 billion times and we can see that the output of dung is going to account for all marine and land pollution. Quote:
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(Not to mention –which I am about to – the plastic that apparently chokes baby polar bears or something – That doesn’t particularly bother me, but it bothers some people.)And frying pans deliver cardiac infarcts by the thousand.) Quote:
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Hey – that drunken Latvian dwarf – I’ve a picture of him – he says he misses you. |
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https://s.ecrater.com/stores/383644/...01_383644n.jpg Ho ho ho, Maxxie my pumpkin, while I cannot deliver you your future husband I'm sure that someone'll be pumpin', you in no time if you keep sober and nice! Or if you don't keep sober it'll be even more likely. |
Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
Mister Bathfire how much can I get in court if I sue Santa for defamation, stalking, breaking and entering, and sexual harassment? Also Santa, I am as pure as snow and for you to assume I would ever want to see what a morbidly obese Catlick like you has in your pants is positively...DISGUSTING!!!!
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I suspect the best part of $1,000,000. Mind, although he says he's a philanthropist with apparently an immortal with magical powers and infinite power, I think that a court might listen to a plea of insanity.
That said, you could always ask him for $1 million for Christmas and see what happens. (But be prepared for a disappointment, he's not like Jesus Who gives you what you ask for.) |
Re: The Landover Santa v. Jesus Challenge!
I’ll be sure to file the court case in your nice town of Freehold. Also, Santa, you had the potential to change your ways I suspect in your younger days to be a good American Christian but I see an old Catholic pedophile who is probably beyond saving. If you REALLY have the power to give kids what they want, you’d know that I didn’t want an old used copy of Barney Google and Spark Plug.
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