Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
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The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98. I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long. If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please. |
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The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.
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I gave her an iron-boot from my inquisition chamber, but she refuses to wear it. I'll throw that in, too. Maybe someone else will have better luck persuading her. |
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YiC AW |
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She looks all skin and bones, I doubt you could make a decent soap out of her.:thumbdown:
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I got a call from the shipping people. Apparently the package will be delayed. I think the reason was bad smell, but the Indian call center slut was very hard to understand, so it could be anything. Did you include enough water in the crate for you mother-in-law to survive an extra day?
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I got another call from the hellbound Indian call center whore. Apparently the crate started making noise, so clearly your mother-in-law is still in great shape. I explained to the Indian call center harlot why she will burn in Hell for all eternity and then she hung up, but I am certain the crate will arrive real soon now. My grandson was crying a bit since we had to postpone his birthday but after a firm beating he recognized the wrong of his ways.
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The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.
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The crate finally arrived. Unfortunately she ate what was left over from the cake and she even ate the candles. I gave her a severe beating for that and ordered her to make new candles and to use the wood of the crate to build her living quarters. As soon as she makes new candles, we can finally have that birthday. She smells horrible by the way, I hope that is temporary.
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The birthday was a disaster. The candles she made were horrible (she used ear wax for those) and when the festivities required her to be stoned by the children, she started throwing the stones back! I don't think anyone is going to miss the Wilson's kid, but it completely ruined my grandchild's birthday. :thumbdown:
But it gets even worse, way worse. For some reason she and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seem to like each other. Your mother-in-law now actually lives there so now I have two highly annoying women as neighbors. :fear2: When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged. |
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Could she be a candidate for Pastor Zeke's Raise The Dead project?
A successful trial on the half dead would boost confidence and create momentum. |
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But it sounds like the old girl has gone rogue... Hmmm...two old women living in the same house...smacks of bulldykery to me! And they are probably practicing witchcraft as well. It seems to me that one might have probable cause to implement the mandates of Leviticus, if one could get away with it under the nose of secular law enforcement.:thumbsup: Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on. Let me know! |
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Aye, there be witchery afoot...and witches are a wiley lot. I think that is why torturing them after they're finally captured is so gratifying. There have been instances when I, after having recieved a full confession in record time, have started backtracking, just to prolong the inquisition. "Are you sure you're a witch? Are you really, really sure?". It usually comes full circle, and they start swearing up and down that they are not a witch again, and I must start all over....which suits me fine. Doing God's work is never boring!:innocent:
I don't know how to eradicate your problem with the old hags, other than to suggest that you sit back, relax and let Jesus do the wetwork....He'll get them in due time! Our Lord is nothing if not tenacious!:thumbsup: |
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As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.:wub:
If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful. In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.:ph34r: |
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Even so, you are a plucky little fellow. It is almost ashame that you should be cast into the fire everlasting. It would be novel to have you in Heaven to gawk and marvel at...I'll see if I can convince Jesus during my next prayer session, but don't hold your breath! |
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(If she's still breathing). Unless, of course, Brother Witch Hammer has another grandmother on sale. :hmmm: |
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Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:
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The passage you refer to addresses illegal killing. In other words, while the Lord often bids us to kill His enemies, we are not to settle personal scores with murder. |
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:) |
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Lord, but I just had a terrible vision! I just imagined the old girl, puppet dancing at the end of satan's string that she is, summoning some inner daemonic strength and slowly but surely working her way cross-country back to the Hammer Family Compound, feeding on rats and drinking from filth-strewn drainage ditches to stay alive...ever circling her way back home like some gaunt, wretched vulture. What a nauseating thought! Well, if she turns up it won't be the first time I've set the hounds on her, but it will be the last!:innocent: |
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Unless God specifically says to kill her, you can't , right ? Because you didn't mention her being gay or a witch, so what basis do you have in the Bible to kill her?
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Aside from that, I can't be responsible for what the hounds will do to her if she pops back up one day...my hands are clean! |
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Romans 13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. Romans 13:3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same: Romans 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil. Romans 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake. Romans 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God's ministers, attending continually upon this very thing. Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work, Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. 1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; 1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well. 1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: Taking the law into our own hands would make us no better than batman. :angry: YIC |
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Ephesians 1:11 - " In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will". |
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So basically, it's okay to shoot people , because they will survive if God wants them to?
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