The Landover Baptist Church Forum
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

The Landover Baptist Church Forum (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumindex.php)
-   General Church Fellowship (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳 (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=115171)

BibleReader2231 09-08-2018 12:15 PM
I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Hello church elders. I am looking for guidance. Recently I have asked my father about what I should do after high school and he said to be a good wife. I already know how to cook, clean, and read The Bible. I've said my prayers before every bedtime for as long as I can remember. I still feel as though I am missing something in my life. As someone who is nearing womanhood (I am 17) I fear that when I turn 18 I will be preyed upon by satanic temptation. I am still pure and intend to stay this way for my future husband whoever that may be. Can you maybe help me figure out what it is I am missing? I relish knowing Jesus is inside of me but I want MORE. I want him to fill me to the brim with his wisdom and guidance. I want to give my body and soul to Jesus so he can do whatever he wants to with me.

Faith_Machine 09-10-2018 09:41 AM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Have you considered reading the Bible on a waterproof e-book reader? That way, you could read it while taking a cold shower.

Adam Fag 09-10-2018 09:52 AM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Bean pie

BibleReader2231 09-11-2018 03:58 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Mister Faith Machine, it's funny you say that because my Pa said that to me when I was screaming praise of Jesus in my bedroom (which I keep locked as it's private prayer time between the Lord and I). We don't have hot showers in my house as my father forbids them (something about how hot showers promote satanic temptation). Where may I go to get a waterproof KJV Bible? I'm definitely interested!

Faith_Machine 09-11-2018 06:56 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Your father allows you to have a lock on your bedroom door? Hmmm...


We certainly didn't have any locks on any of the doors in my home when I was growing up.

Joanna Lytton-Vasey 09-11-2018 07:03 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine (Post 1238182)
Your father allows you to have a lock on your bedroom door? Hmmm...

We certainly didn't have any locks on any of the doors in my home when I was growing up.
We have locks on all our children's doors, but only on the outside.

Brother D. Thomas 09-11-2018 07:16 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 (Post 1237979)
Hello church elders. I am looking for guidance. Recently I have asked my father about what I should do after high school and he said to be a good wife. I already know how to cook, clean, and read The Bible. I've said my prayers before every bedtime for as long as I can remember. I still feel as though I am missing something in my life. As someone who is nearing womanhood (I am 17) I fear that when I turn 18 I will be preyed upon by satanic temptation. I am still pure and intend to stay this way for my future husband whoever that may be. Can you maybe help me figure out what it is I am missing? I relish knowing Jesus is inside of me but I want MORE. I want him to fill me to the brim with his wisdom and guidance. I want to give my body and soul to Jesus so he can do whatever he wants to with me.

_______________________



BibleReader2231,

I am sorry dear, but the last person that Jesus was inside of, as Yahweh God incarnate, was his mother Mary when he performed the notable "Celestial Impregnation" of the Virgin Birth.

Subsequent to this godly act with Jesus' mother, do you really think that you have a chance as a lesser vessel woman for Jesus to perform this act again? Surely you jest! :stop:

Accept your place in the godly scheme of things and marry quickly so as to be ruled over by your Christian husband, and start making those little "Christian Soldiers" in the name of Christ!

“ But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ AND THE HEAD OF THE WOMAN IS MAN. For the man is not of the women; but the woman of the man.” (1Corinthians 11: 3,8 )


In the name of the hung Savior,

Brother D. Thomas



_______________________

Basilissa 09-11-2018 07:20 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother D. Thomas (Post 1238184)
I am sorry dear, but the last person that Jesus was inside of, as Yahweh God incarnate, was his mother Mary when he performed the notable "Celestial Impregnation" of the Virgin Birth.
My sweet little Tommy, you see, our beautiful American language is equipped with something called "metaphors." I know I won't be able to explain this concept to you, but as they say - one picture is worth a thousand words. So, without a further ado, here it is:
P.S.: I am not getting into another pissing match with you, dear, I feel it would be unbecoming for a True Christian™ lady to engage in such an activity with a commie unsaved trash like you.

Brother Gonzalez 09-11-2018 07:54 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Sister Bassilissa, sometimes I forget you are a woman, and as such, you fail to see the point when you are focused on fighting the Unsaved Trash.

"Brother" Thomas has made a terrific advance by recognizing the women as property of the husband! PRAISE THE LORD!


ALELUYA!

Brother D. Thomas 09-12-2018 05:41 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez (Post 1238186)
Sister Bassilissa, sometimes I forget you are a woman, and as such, you fail to see the point when you are focused on fighting the Unsaved Trash.

"Brother" Thomas has made a terrific advance by recognizing the women as property of the husband! PRAISE THE LORD!


ALELUYA!
_____________________________


Brother Gonzalez,

You'll have to excuse Sister Basalissa, she continues to hide behind her continuous Satanic smoke screens by trying in vain to rewrite the inspired word of Jesus regarding the woman. She will certainly pay upon Judgment Day, praise our ever loving and forgiving Jesus for His revenge! :thumbsup:

Brother Gonzalez, I am sure you would agree that you as well know many Christian men that only go to church for the reason that the woman cannot speak in church, therefore it is a respite to men from the continuous blabbering of the woman!

"The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says." (1 Corinthians 14:34)


http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...9&d=1327736720http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kMlqD6o58H...ry-timothy.jpg



In the name of the hung Savior,

Brother D. Thomas



________________________________
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...9&d=1327736720
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...&d=1327736720>

BibleReader2231 09-12-2018 06:00 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Mister Thomas, I have to interject. My topic discussion may have veered quite a bit off course and I have to take a break from Bible Study to remind you that Miss Basilissa is a True Christian™ and to accuse her of being anything less is a grave sin I fear. I don't have the title of True Christian™ but I know my place in the hierarchy in these forums. I'll pray for your soul as I believe that accusing True Christian™ People of being anything less is a slippery slope sir.

Brother D. Thomas 09-12-2018 07:31 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 (Post 1238209)
Mister Thomas, I have to interject. My topic discussion may have veered quite a bit off course and I have to take a break from Bible Study to remind you that Miss Basilissa is a True Christian™ and to accuse her of being anything less is a grave sin I fear. I don't have the title of True Christian™ but I know my place in the hierarchy in these forums. I'll pray for your soul as I believe that accusing True Christian™ People of being anything less is a slippery slope sir.
________________


BibleReader2231,

Dear, what you should worry about is your hierarchy within our Bronze and Iron Age thinking King James bible where you are to be submissive to ALL Christian men like myself!

My "slopes" are NEVER slippery as shown ad infinitum within my godly posts! How dare you be so insolent to the superior Christian biblical man like myself?!

If there is any praying to do, it is me praying for your Hell bound soul to burn quickly when you arrive within the sulfur lakes of HELL upon your lesser vessel womanly demise.

AS A MERE WOMAN, LEARN YOUR PLACE WITHIN JESUS' SCHEME OF THINGS!!!



In the name of the hung Savior,

Brother D. Thomas


__________________

Brother Gonzalez 09-12-2018 07:56 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother D. Thomas (Post 1238208)
_____________________________


Brother Gonzalez,

You'll have to excuse Sister Basalissa, she continues to hide behind her continuous Satanic smoke screens by trying in vain to rewrite the inspired word of Jesus regarding the woman. She will certainly pay upon Judgment Day, praise our ever loving and forgiving Jesus for His revenge! :thumbsup:

Brother Gonzalez, I am sure you would agree that you as well know many Christian men that only go to church for the reason that the woman cannot speak in church, therefore it is a respite to men from the continuous blabbering of the woman!

"The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says." (1 Corinthians 14:34)


http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...9&d=1327736720http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kMlqD6o58H...ry-timothy.jpg



In the name of the hung Savior,

Brother D. Thomas



________________________________
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...9&d=1327736720
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/attachm...&d=1327736720>
Brother, please you have to take the Bible word by word, literally. This means women are not allowed to talk in Church, but the Bible does not say they are not allowed to write in Church. That is why we let them, even though we don't like that so much.


I see a spark in you, wanting to be a True Christian. I guess you will have to re-read the Bible again. Once more. But I can recognize potential when I see it.

Basilissa 09-12-2018 08:25 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 (Post 1238209)
Mister Thomas, I have to interject. My topic discussion may have veered quite a bit off course and I have to take a break from Bible Study to remind you that Miss Basilissa is a True Christian™ and to accuse her of being anything less is a grave sin I fear. I don't have the title of True Christian™ but I know my place in the hierarchy in these forums. I'll pray for your soul as I believe that accusing True Christian™ People of being anything less is a slippery slope sir.
Thank you dear, that was very nice of you. We must forgive this poor, confused soul - we really must, God gives us no choice:

Matthew 6:15 - But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez (Post 1238186)
Sister Bassilissa, sometimes I forget you are a woman, and as such, you fail to see the point when you are focused on fighting the Unsaved Trash.

"Brother" Thomas has made a terrific advance by recognizing the women as property of the husband! PRAISE THE LORD!

ALELUYA!
I am not sure if I share your optimism, Brother. In his latest reply to BibleReader, this poor lad has once again expressed the communist opinion that women are to obey all Christian men indiscriminately. :facepalm: I guess some people are just born communist. :thumbdown:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother D. Thomas (Post 1238214)
Christian men like myself!
The issue whether you are a Christian man/boy/manchild, dear Tommy, is an unproven hypothesis at this stage. Please quit boasting about what still can be determined to be untrue, or at least an alternative fact:

Proverbs 25:14 Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift [is like] clouds and wind without rain.

Brother D. Thomas 09-12-2018 10:30 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez (Post 1238216)
Brother, please you have to take the Bible word by word, literally. This means women are not allowed to talk in Church, but the Bible does not say they are not allowed to write in Church. That is why we let them, even though we don't like that so much.


I see a spark in you, wanting to be a True Christian. I guess you will have to re-read the Bible again. Once more. But I can recognize potential when I see it.

_____________________


Brother Gonzalez,

Writing is a form of "speaking," and as long as the lesser vessel woman does not show her writings to the superior man in church, then I am sure Jesus would agree that she is not speaking in church!


In the name of the hung Savior,

Brother D. Thomas


___________________

Cranky Old Man 09-12-2018 11:11 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine (Post 1238182)
We certainly didn't have any locks on any of the doors in my home when I was growing up.
We didn't even have doors in my home when I was an annoying little brat. My father used to say that if you spend money on needless luxuries like doors, you are stealing money from Jesus you should have tithed instead. He died refusing to spend any money on food after Jimmy Carter caused an increase in the price of beef, so I am certain my father is now in Heaven.

DolliMoans 09-13-2018 03:22 AM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
You're father was a genius, Cranky Old Man. Without doors, why, there's nothing for Jesus that needs knocking on. Saves our Saviour so much hassle! :lol:

Truly a home without doors, brings in the ... (Oh, I forgot how this saying goes... anyone know?)

Dana723 09-13-2018 05:23 AM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DolliMoans (Post 1238238)
You're father was a genius, Cranky Old Man. Without doors, why, there's nothing for Jesus that needs knocking on. Saves our Saviour so much hassle! :lol:

Truly a home without doors, brings in the ... (Oh, I forgot how this saying goes... anyone know?)
Floors? I guess doors go with floors. :(

Adam Fag 10-27-2018 02:17 PM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 (Post 1238167)
Mister Faith Machine, it's funny you say that because my Pa said that to me when I was screaming praise of Jesus in my bedroom (which I keep locked as it's private prayer time between the Lord and I). We don't have hot showers in my house as my father forbids them (something about how hot showers promote satanic temptation). Where may I go to get a waterproof KJV Bible? I'm definitely interested!
http://www.billionbibles.com/china/project-pearl.html

Adam Fag 07-03-2019 10:06 AM
Re: I can't help but want Jesus inside of me. 😳
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleReader2231 (Post 1238167)
Mister Faith Machine, it's funny you say that because my Pa said that to me when I was screaming praise of Jesus in my bedroom (which I keep locked as it's private prayer time between the Lord and I). We don't have hot showers in my house as my father forbids them (something about how hot showers promote satanic temptation). Where may I go to get a waterproof KJV Bible? I'm definitely interested!



All times are GMT. The time now is 09:12 PM.
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved