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-   -   Dr. Laurie's advice thread, all welcome! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=11377)

Dr. Laurie PHD 05-10-2008 02:14 AM

Dr. Laurie's advice thread, all welcome!
 
I've decided I will once again experiment with providing free advice, now that the legal difficulties arising from the previous advice thread have been resolved. All the standard fine-print* still applies, I still cannot be held legally responsible for what God decides to reward or punish you with.

I'll start the ball rolling with an outtake from my newspaper column (it couldn't be published for various unrelated legal reasons).

Quote:

Please Help Me and My Little Sister


Hi everyone I'm feeling very depressed right now. My World of Warcraft subscription expired a week ago and I'm too broke to top up my account. I don't know exactly how I let it happen but before I knew it I had flunked out of college and lost my part-time photography job. When I'm not playing WoW I would be masturbating to porn.

Regular porn hasn't been doing it for me lately so I took to photographing my 13 year old sister while she sleeps. I know it's wrong but it started out with taking pictures of her undeveloped chest. A while ago I posted these pictures on another public forum and furiously masturbated to the responses. Help, I want to violate my little sister and take pictures of it. I feel sick and want to die. I don't know what's going to happen in the next hour. help.

Dear help., Did you know that the Chinese, at least, the hundred or so of them that are literate, use the same word for "Crisis" and "opportunity"? You may see only crisis, by help., I see only opportunity. It turns out that the same newspaper you hold in your warm, sweaty, sticky hands is looking to hire photographers, and your first project will be our special issue celebrating the 6000th anniversary of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorroah!

We have most of the photo essays complete, but there are two parts that still need to be done:

Genesis 19:8, in which Lott offers his two daughters to the rapacious Sodomite mob, offering to sacrifice their virginity to save the anal-virginity of the male angels.
(Genesis 19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.)

The other one is Genesis 19:32-36, in which Lott impregnates his virgin daughters:

19:32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
19:33
And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
19:35
And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
19:36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.


So, my advice to you: get your camera, your father, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's and get to work!

Oh, one warning though: make sure your sister doesn't hit puberty during the photo shoot. As staunch supporters of morality, we refuse to tolerate photos of post-pubescent-female breasts (also, side-boob and bum-cleavage are forbidden, in order to have it legally availiable on military bases)

Can't wait to see your work,

Dr. Laurie, P.H.D




*(The information presented here is Biblically accurate. Opinions concerning the technical difficulties, fitness requirements, safety, and ratings of self-crucifixion, flagellation, stoning, destroying enemies of GOD utterly, without mercy, and other activities inherent in Christianity are subjective and may differ from yours or others' opinions; therefore be warned that you must exercise your own judgment as to the difficulty and your ability to safely protect yourself from the inherent risks and dangers. Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. Landover Baptist Church makes reasonable efforts to include accurate and up to date information on this website, errors or omissions sometimes occur, therefore the information contained on here is provided "as is" and without warranties of any kind either expressed or implied. Viewing, reading, or any other use of the information contained within this web site is purely the voluntary will of the viewer or user. You, 'the viewer' or 'user' shall not hold the publisher, owner, authors or other contributors of The Jesus Experience responsible for any incidents related directly or indirectly to the Experience. Landover Baptist Church, et. al., assumes no liability or responsibility for your actions. When you use landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com you are agreeing and consenting to these terms and conditions of use which we, at our sole discretion, may change in any way at any time. Your consent to these terms and conditions is herein described as the "Agreement." Thus you should read them with care and, from time to time, re-read them. If we make any changes, your continued use of landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com signifies that you agree to them. The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. makes no warranties of any kind (either expressed or implied) concerning the Materials on the Site. Further, The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. does not warrant that transmission of the Materials will not be interrupted nor does it warrant that the Materials will contain no errors nor that they will be accurate. The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. does not warrant that the Site itself or the server which transmits it will be free of viruses or anything else that might be harmful. Nor do we warrant that any defects will be corrected. You alone assume all risk associated with use of the Site, including the full cost of any necessary repair or service to your computer. By using the Site you waive any claim whatsoever against The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. which arises from your use, whether intended or not, of any other site. This waiver specifically includes any claim arising from a product and/or service which you purchase from any site other than landoverbaptist.org and/or landoverbaptist.com and any claim arising from security of information (including, but not limited to credit card information) which you give to any other site. In addition, The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. assumes no responsibility for any content which you find on sites that link either to or from the Site. This includes responsibility for the accuracy or compliance with any laws and for any viruses or other harmful things which may be contained in these sites. Nor is The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. responsible should any site link you to a site which you find offensive. The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. does not endorse or warrant the quality of any goods you buy from any site other than the Site. Limitation Of The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd.'s Liability The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. shall not be liable in any way whatsoever (including, but not limited to, negligence) for any special or consequential damages resulting from either your use of the Site or your inability to use it or from your use of any site linked from or to the Site. This limitation includes any circumstance in which The Landover Baptist Church or Americhrist Ltd. or its representative has been advised of potential liability.)

Glendora Christianson 05-10-2008 02:43 AM

Re: Dr. Laurie's advice thread, all welcome!
 
I do think Dr Laurie is right . . . there may be a Biblical explanation for "help's" situation. Of course, if his sister has committed adultery, GOD commands that she be tortured and raped (Ezekiel CH 23) and being her brother is certainly not an excuse to refuse HIS word.

On another note, I would like to encourage "help" to use this little vacation from World of Warcraft as an opportunity to break a worse habit (video games) that surely leads to drug abuse and violent crimes. HELPFUL GLENDORA

PS Thank you Dr Laurie for reminding folks that Dirty Pillows have no place in our sanctuary and should be banned from the internet.

PS PS Good Christians who are uncomfortable with the word MASTUR&ATION might be more comfortable calling it "The M Activity" most Landovarians know this code word.

Justina Thyme 05-14-2008 03:11 AM

Re: Dr. Laurie's advice thread, all welcome!
 
The girl is obviously harboring DEMONS who are tempting her poor brother. The following advice is some that I have found very helpful:

When the word of God is in your mouth, the demons can’t come out of your body. You have to keep a path clear for the demon to come up through your throat. So under no circumstances pray to God. You can’t have God in your mouth. You can cough, you might even want to vomit, but don’t pray.

Read from your list of demons and cast them out individually. As you do, the victim should breathe out, keep his/her mouth open and let the demons out.

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of lust!

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of incest!

"In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of sexual abuse!

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of astrology!


"In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of cancer!
“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of handwriting analysis!

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of the intellect!

"In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of anal fissures!”


You may feel free to add the names of any DEMONS that you feel are pertinent to your situation. GLORY!

JennyD 05-14-2008 06:45 AM

Re: Dr. Laurie's advice thread, all welcome!
 
I'm so excited to see how help.'s pictures turn out! It will be wonderful to finally have an illustration of one of my favorite Bible stories!

help., please feel free to send Dr. Laurie test shots. If you need to put your father and little sister to work for a few sessions, it'll be well worth it to ensure that we get the very best photos for the project! :thumbsup:

I wonder if any of our Pastors have done research which would indicate what sort of clothing Lott's daughters wore? That would certainly add to the authenticity!


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