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-   -   How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=50613)

Brother Temperance 09-22-2010 06:46 PM

How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
So, at the weekend, as usual, I went out looking for drunken fornicating sinners to rebuke. Anyway, at about 2:30-3 a.m., this drunken dyke who was wearing what was clearly a man's shirt, in open defiance of Deuteronomy 22:5, told me there was a party going on at hers, and I thought it sounded like a good opportunity to spread the word to some degenerates. Sure enough, it was a complete nest of vice, as proven by the fact that one room contained a bunch of people doing coke off a mirror, although no one offered me any. I sat down on a sofa and soon enough a skinny black-clad queer with a trendy haircut and hipster glasses gave me a glass of absinthe and started trying to persuade me to fornicate with him. Obviously, as anyone would do, I told him that I absolutely couldn't because the Bible forbids me to do gay stuff, to which he responded that Christianity was just a bunch of made-up fairytales that didn't make sense. I challenged this atheist pervert to give me an example of how the Bible didn't make any sense, and he asked me how God and Jesus could be the same person, despite being different people. Naturally, I whipped out my Bible and pointed to 1 John 5:7 (For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.) At this point, he accepted that I was right and Christianity was correct, and therefore we agreed that it would be morally wrong for him to sodomise me. Another soul saved for Christ.
But just think how different this story would have been if I'd been carrying a different Bible!
Imagine if I'd pulled out a New International Version!
1 John 5:7For there are three that testify:
8the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.

God is replaced by water, of all things, and this water isn't even the same as blood, it just agrees with it! I agree with Wash O'Hanley, but that doesn't make me him!

How about the Message?
1 John 5:6-8 Jesus—the Divine Christ! He experienced a life-giving birth and a death-killing death. Not only birth from the womb, but baptismal birth of his ministry and sacrificial death. And all the while the Spirit is confirming the truth, the reality of God's presence at Jesus' baptism and crucifixion, bringing those occasions alive for us. A triple testimony: the Spirit, the Baptism, the Crucifixion. And the three in perfect agreement.

What kind of message is that? Certainly not God's message, that's for sure! All we know is that God was present at Jesus' baptism. Considering that God is omnipresent all the time, that hardly makes Jesus' baptism or crucifixion sound very special.

What about the New Living Translation?
1 John 5:7 So we have these three witnesses—
8 the Spirit, the water, and the blood—and all three agree.

Again, they agree. New Living Translation? Just looking at this lifeless imitation of God's Word makes me feel a bit dead inside!
I could go on and on, but the point I'm making here is simple. If I'd attempted to prove the doctrine of the Trinity using any of these incoherent mockeries of God's word, I'd only have been able to prove that Jesus and God agree with each other, not that they're the same person. They make the idea of the Trinity seem like nonsense! There is just no way I could have constructed a coherent argument as to why Christianity is correct, and therefore buggery is wrong, based on those false bibles, and so I would have been able to give no reason whatsoever why the skinny fellow with the trendy haircut shouldn't have been able to have his depraved way with me. Friends, we abandon the one True translation of God's Word at our peril!

Forest Spirit 09-22-2010 06:51 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Sounds like an awesome party, dude why don't people ever invite me to these parties

Pastor Ezekiel 09-22-2010 06:55 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Shout GLORY!! Thank you, Jesus, for sparing Brother Temperance's poop chute! :yahoo:

I've been preaching for years that the KJV1611 Authorized Version Bible is the ONLY TRUE Word of God. :rtfm:

Sister Charli 09-22-2010 06:56 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Praise Jesus Brother T.

You did not succumb to temptation.

James 1:12 (King James Version)
12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

Samuel Coleridge 09-22-2010 07:11 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
I'm sure you were the life of the party. Another fun little fact to bring up the next time you are not doing keg stands and blow off drag queens, is that no versions of the Bible contain that turn of phrase except those descended from the Catholic Bible and Erasmus' text.

Bobby-Joe 09-22-2010 07:29 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Samuel Coleridge (Post 603902)
I'm sure you were the life of the party. Another fun little fact to bring up the next time you are not doing keg stands and blow off drag queens, is that no versions of the Bible contain that turn of phrase except those descended from the Catholic Bible and Erasmus' text.

Meaning what friend. Aren't you paying attention; without that power scripture Brother Temperance would be a filthy, hell bound sodomite right now. Only God Himself can save us from transvestites since they look so hot.

Samuel Coleridge 09-22-2010 07:36 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe (Post 603905)
Meaning what friend.

Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.

Bobby-Joe 09-22-2010 07:40 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Samuel Coleridge (Post 603909)
Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.

How can that be a Catholic doctrine. Catholics wants many gods to support their pagan notions. The Trinity means there is only one God.

Seth Campbell 09-22-2010 07:50 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Samuel Coleridge (Post 603909)
Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.

Funny since all these new watered down versions of the Bible have appeared (The NIV wasn't published until 1973) Christianity has become just as watered down.

I was reading over on BibleGateway, and it seems that copying and posting quotes out of the NIV on the internet is strictly prohibited.

http://www.biblegateway.com/versions...ion-NIV-Bible/
Quote:

These Scriptures have been made available on the Internet for your personal use only. Any other use including, but not limited to, copying or re-posting the Scripture on the Internet is prohibited.
Now why would the publishers want to restrict the usage of Holy Scripture?

Brother Temperance 09-22-2010 08:19 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Samuel Coleridge (Post 603909)
Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.

We are nothing like the Catholics. We believe in the Trinity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, not the trinity of the Pope, the Virgin Mary and the Death Cookie.

Rev. M. Rodimer 09-23-2010 01:34 AM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 603892)
At this point, he accepted that I was right and Christianity was correct, and therefore we agreed that it would be morally wrong for him to sodomise me. Another soul saved for Christ.

Friends, we abandon the one True translation of God's Word at our peril!

:yahoo: Praise! Your prostate was spared the penetrating probing of that pervert! Well done, Brother!
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seth Campbell (Post 603918)
Funny since all these new watered down versions of the Bible have appeared (The NIV wasn't published until 1973) Christianity has become just as watered down.

I was reading over on BibleGateway, and it seems that copying and posting quotes out of the NIV on the internet is strictly prohibited.

http://www.biblegateway.com/versions...ion-NIV-Bible/

Now why would the publishers want to restrict the usage of Holy Scripture?

They don't want people to copy the entire thing. It's copyrighted. They want to be able to SELL it!

SamSeekingSalvation 09-24-2010 11:50 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer (Post 604134)
They don't want people to copy the entire thing. It's copyrighted. They want to be able to SELL it!

Probably greedy Joos, wanting to make money of the Lord's Holy World.

Mistress Cookie 09-26-2010 06:06 AM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 603892)
So, at the weekend, as usual, I went out looking for drunken fornicating sinners to rebuke. Anyway...

Bless you, Brother Temperance.

It would be so easy for you to "fudge" about what happens on these pilgrimages of yours, but as always you give us the 101% unvarnished truth.

Jesus™ is surely walking at your very side as you bear witness to these lost souls of the night, and I'm always gladdened when you return to us with your reports, safe and sound once more.

Rev. M. Rodimer 09-26-2010 08:23 AM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie (Post 605679)
Bless you, Brother Temperance.

It would be so easy for you to "fudge" about what happens on these pilgrimages of yours, but as always you give us the 101% unvarnished truth.

Truly, our dear Brother is no "packer" of lies, Sister!

Like you, I am always relieved to hear that he has not been sodomized or otherwise violated.

MitzaLizalor 09-27-2010 02:52 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
I'm sure the NIV is demonic.

The Jerusalem Bible ©1966, however, is a useful companion volume to The Holy Bible (authorised version) ©1611.

Nobody should ever read the NIV!

First and Sixth 01-24-2011 01:42 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 603892)
I sat down on a sofa and soon enough a skinny black-clad queer with a trendy haircut and hipster glasses gave me a glass of absinthe and started trying to persuade me to fornicate with him. Obviously, as anyone would do, I told him that I absolutely couldn't because the Bible forbids me to do gay stuff...

I guess that's one way to deal with the situation.

Another would be to say "I am not gay".

First and Sixth 01-24-2011 01:48 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Charli (Post 603900)
Praise Jesus Brother T.

You did not succumb to temptation.

Sorry, but who calls a goth at a party trying to sodomise you "temptation"?

thewordofgod 01-24-2011 03:17 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance (Post 603892)
So, at the weekend, as usual, I went out looking for drunken fornicating sinners to rebuke. Anyway, at about 2:30-3 a.m., this drunken dyke who was wearing what was clearly a man's shirt, in open defiance of Deuteronomy 22:5, told me there was a party going on at hers, and I thought it sounded like a good opportunity to spread the word to some degenerates. Sure enough, it was a complete nest of vice, as proven by the fact that one room contained a bunch of people doing coke off a mirror, although no one offered me any. I sat down on a sofa and soon enough a skinny black-clad queer with a trendy haircut and hipster glasses gave me a glass of absinthe and started trying to persuade me to fornicate with him. Obviously, as anyone would do, I told him that I absolutely couldn't because the Bible forbids me to do gay stuff, to which he responded that Christianity was just a bunch of made-up fairytales that didn't make sense. I challenged this atheist pervert to give me an example of how the Bible didn't make any sense, and he asked me how God and Jesus could be the same person, despite being different people. Naturally, I whipped out my Bible and pointed to 1 John 5:7 (For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.) At this point, he accepted that I was right and Christianity was correct, and therefore we agreed that it would be morally wrong for him to sodomise me. Another soul saved for Christ.
But just think how different this story would have been if I'd been carrying a different Bible!
Imagine if I'd pulled out a New International Version!
1 John 5:7For there are three that testify:
8the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.

God is replaced by water, of all things, and this water isn't even the same as blood, it just agrees with it! I agree with Wash O'Hanley, but that doesn't make me him!

How about the Message?
1 John 5:6-8 Jesus—the Divine Christ! He experienced a life-giving birth and a death-killing death. Not only birth from the womb, but baptismal birth of his ministry and sacrificial death. And all the while the Spirit is confirming the truth, the reality of God's presence at Jesus' baptism and crucifixion, bringing those occasions alive for us. A triple testimony: the Spirit, the Baptism, the Crucifixion. And the three in perfect agreement.

What kind of message is that? Certainly not God's message, that's for sure! All we know is that God was present at Jesus' baptism. Considering that God is omnipresent all the time, that hardly makes Jesus' baptism or crucifixion sound very special.

What about the New Living Translation?
1 John 5:7 So we have these three witnesses—
8 the Spirit, the water, and the blood—and all three agree.

Again, they agree. New Living Translation? Just looking at this lifeless imitation of God's Word makes me feel a bit dead inside!
I could go on and on, but the point I'm making here is simple. If I'd attempted to prove the doctrine of the Trinity using any of these incoherent mockeries of God's word, I'd only have been able to prove that Jesus and God agree with each other, not that they're the same person. They make the idea of the Trinity seem like nonsense! There is just no way I could have constructed a coherent argument as to why Christianity is correct, and therefore buggery is wrong, based on those false bibles, and so I would have been able to give no reason whatsoever why the skinny fellow with the trendy haircut shouldn't have been able to have his depraved way with me. Friends, we abandon the one True translation of God's Word at our peril!


You're joking aren't you? Why do sinners believe this story and not the true God?

MitzaLizalor 01-26-2011 05:12 AM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by First and Sixth (Post 681441)
Sorry, but who calls a goth at a party trying to sodomise you "temptation"?

Answer: SATAN
As it happens, I have just returned from a vile bacchanalia where I was able to witness to many heathens by offering them free clothes (which I design and make). Many of the revellers are nude (apart from paint): all were demon possessed. None of them suggested sodomy.

I am not aware of any goths being there, but I understand from their girlfriends that this perversion is often sought of them by their retarded boyfriends, whom they despise. It is their opinion that these "boyfriends" are not really interested in women at all, but pretend to have "girlfriends" as some sort of twisted anguish fetish - that they might endure the company of females when they would rather be nude in the company of other men. It is further the opinion of these "girlfriends" that their sham boyfriends also suggest multi-partner sex orgies for the same reason - and they do confide other details (which are not relevant here). So I agree with them.

When Satan gets going everything becomed perverted. That is why goths proposing MSM activities are an invitation from the evil one: not to the fœtid squalor of sexual rot per se but into the mælström of evil corruption & depravity more broadly. This is Satan's temptation to all Christians; he knows we are immune to the "delights" of illicit sex.

Matthew 6:13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen..

I John 5:18 18 We know that whosoeuer is borne of God, sinneth not: but hee that is begotten of God, keepeth himselfe, and that wicked one toucheth him not.

II Timothy 4:18 And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

NOTE: these three passages are referring to the same thing, each in a different way
The source of temptation;
The yearning of that wicked one;
The certainty of our deliverence from his lascivious advances.

We know who calls his minions "goths" and recognise his hand in them: we know their ultimate fate..

II Peter 2:9 The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:

He will never get himself in me! HALLELUJAH! :loveshower:

Bible Student 01-30-2011 07:56 PM

Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor (Post 682647)
Quote:

Originally Posted by First and Sixth http://www.landoverbaptist.net/image...s/viewpost.gif
Sorry, but who calls a goth at a party trying to sodomise you "temptation"?
Answer: SATAN
As it happens, I have just returned from a vile bacchanalia where I was able to witness to many heathens by offering them free clothes (which I design and make). Many of the revellers are nude (apart from paint): all were demon possessed. None of them suggested sodomy.

I am not aware of any goths being there, but I understand from their girlfriends that this perversion is often sought of them by their retarded boyfriends, whom they despise. It is their opinion that these "boyfriends" are not really interested in women at all, but pretend to have "girlfriends" as some sort of twisted anguish fetish - that they might endure the company of females when they would rather be nude in the company of other men. It is further the opinion of these "girlfriends" that their sham boyfriends also suggest multi-partner sex orgies for the same reason - and they do confide other details (which are not relevant here). So I agree with them.

When Satan gets going everything becomed perverted. That is why goths proposing MSM activities are an invitation from the evil one: not to the fœtid squalor of sexual rot per se but into the mælström of evil corruption & depravity more broadly. This is Satan's temptation to all Christians; he knows we are immune to the "delights" of illicit sex.

Matthew 6:13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen..

I John 5:18 18 We know that whosoeuer is borne of God, sinneth not: but hee that is begotten of God, keepeth himselfe, and that wicked one toucheth him not.

II Timothy 4:18 And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

NOTE: these three passages are referring to the same thing, each in a different way
The source of temptation;
The yearning of that wicked one;
The certainty of our deliverence from his lascivious advances.

We know who calls his minions "goths" and recognise his hand in them: we know their ultimate fate..

II Peter 2:9 The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:

He will never get himself in me! HALLELUJAH! :loveshower:

Sister MitzaLizalor, that was a harrowing experience. I'm glad you escaped unmolested. [unless it was by someone you liked] Those orgies can be so taxing.


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