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-   -   Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.) (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=58460)

Seth Campbell 03-02-2011 01:33 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 12bb1bb (Post 703188)
Maybe in a wickedly and sickly warped interpretation of the Christian bible.

How exactly have we misinterpreted the Bible?

I have a gut feeling that you're just another liberal femnazi who can't keep your nose out of men's business.

Get back to your mending woman :angry:

Jackson Lockwood.III 08-20-2012 08:48 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 681242)
With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."

1; Go Hunting. If you're gonna Pray, you gotta meet God halfway.
2; Put them to work with any of a dozen maintenance things that need doing around here.
3; Slap him backhand hard enough to take him out of the chair and make it CLEAR that next time I'll take his head off.
4; Physically seperate them, throw male out of home naked like a trashbag and have the dogs 'escort' him down the driveway to the gate. Gag and bind daughter, wrists to ankles, flush her out, then cane her rump until it's covered in welts.
5; Do what I can for myself, and pray for God's assistance with such. Again, you gotta meet him halfway.
6; I've already got 3 dogs and a cat. What the hell, one more mouth that'll keep the mouse population controlled and Hanta virus at bay. If it's a dog, one more set of ears and jaws to keep the home safe.
7; They're already moved in, and I have friends, lifelong friends of the same faith as myself in nearby towns...kind of a moot point.
8; Depends on what she's saying. If it's 'Your truck is on fire', it's worth hearing her out. But whatever she says, better be important/worth listening to.
9; Tell him, point blank, out by the chopping block with axe in-hand that I will cut his hand off the next time I catch him at it or find proof of him doing so.
10; We all screw up, pretty sure he knows that while we try to be Perfect--we're always going to be falling shy of it.
But, if it's a mistake made from stupidity or inattention and has some kind of bad effect on me, my household, etc. then I will send that useless stain to the ICU and it'll take the better part of a year for them to relearn how to eat with a spork...if ever.
If it's made from some kind of sly maliciousness, at best that idiot will live the rest of his life as a quadreplegic.

bozaloshtsh 09-22-2012 01:46 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seth Campbell (Post 703196)
How exactly have we misinterpreted the Bible?

I have a gut feeling that you're just another liberal femnazi who can't keep your nose out of men's business.

Get back to your mending woman :angry:

Living in a mainly Christian country, I have gotten to know many Christians. Not one, not two, not four hundred and three, but zero (0) of them will agree with any one (1) of these statements.

Now, I'm an atheist so I know diddly squat about your book, but I'm pretty sure whoever wrote it didn't intend to hit their children until they bleed. Or maybe they did, and all of their families stopped because they had no children left alive, and all the people with half a brain lived. Hey look: Natural selection. I guess Darwin was right after all.

I have come to a forum of a extremist, racist, sexist, homophobic people, and I wish to leave now. Your inability to accept other ideas other than your own or even coexist with them will ensure the banning of this account.

Go ahead.

Pastor Ezekiel 09-22-2012 02:34 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bozaloshtsh (Post 932443)

I have come to a forum of a extremist, racist, sexist, homophobic people, and I wish to leave now. Your inability to accept other ideas other than your own or even coexist with them will ensure the banning of this account.

Go ahead.



Dear Hatemonger;

I'm sorry, but it is our policy NEVER to remove the account of an unsaved fool. Your belligerent hatemongering will remain for future unsaved scum to see and learn from for all eternity (or until Jesus returns to slay most of the earth, whichever comes first).

Jesus called you here for a reason, so you might rethink your selfish tantrum and stick around.

If you'd really like to remove yourself from our Godly forum, all you need to do is to click on that tiny red "x" in the upper righthand corner of your computer screen. Then close your computer, stand up, and walk away. :bye:

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

bozaloshtsh 09-22-2012 06:19 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 932468)
Dear Hatemonger;

I'm sorry, but it is our policy NEVER to remove the account of an unsaved fool. Your belligerent hatemongering will remain for future unsaved scum to see and learn from for all eternity (or until Jesus returns to slay most of the earth, whichever comes first).

Jesus called you here for a reason, so you might rethink your selfish tantrum and stick around.

If you'd really like to remove yourself from our Godly forum, all you need to do is to click on that tiny red "x" in the upper righthand corner of your computer screen. Then close your computer, stand up, and walk away. :bye:

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

I'd love to remove myself from this Godly (snicker) forum. Good-by and good day to you sir.

Cranky Old Man 09-22-2012 11:21 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bozaloshtsh (Post 932608)
I'd love to remove myself from this Godly (snicker) forum.

Yet you are still posting here. You are clearly part of Jesus' plan. Don't ignore Him while He is clearly trying to save you!

John 14:6 "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me."

Pastor Ezekiel 09-23-2012 03:51 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bozaloshtsh (Post 932608)
I'd love to remove myself from this Godly (snicker) forum. Good-by and good day to you sir.

Snickering at God will not get your ticket punched to Heaven. :thumbdown:

Redeemed Papist 09-23-2012 07:36 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
i
Quote:

Originally Posted by bozaloshtsh (Post 932443)
Living in a mainly Christian country, I have gotten to know many Christians. Not one, not two, not four hundred and three, but zero (0) of them will agree with any one (1) of these statements.

Now, I'm an atheist so I know diddly squat about your book, but I'm pretty sure whoever wrote it didn't intend to hit their children until they bleed. Or maybe they did, and all of their families stopped because they had no children left alive, and all the people with half a brain lived. Hey look: Natural selection. I guess Darwin was right after all.

I have come to a forum of a extremist, racist, sexist, homophobic people, and I wish to leave now. Your inability to accept other ideas other than your own or even coexist with them will ensure the banning of this account.

Go ahead.

On what are you basing your ideas about how much we are intended to beat our children according to the bible's authors? Bear in mind that the remedy for a child who won't respond to being beaten is to have them publicly executed.

BrotherAlex 10-16-2012 12:35 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed! I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?

Nobar King 10-16-2012 12:43 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrotherAlex (Post 939980)
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed! I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?

He's supposed to pay you, dummy. However, maybe your daughter is soo ugly you're going to have to pony up even more cash to make the arrangement.

Mary Etheldreda 10-16-2012 01:54 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrotherAlex (Post 939980)
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed! I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?

So your solution was to not only prepare a failed virgin bride, but a scarred, half-blind one at that?

Zechariah Smyth 10-16-2012 02:02 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrotherAlex (Post 939980)
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed! I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?

Why is your daughter going around unescorted?

:thumbdown:

James Hutchins 10-16-2012 01:00 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrotherAlex (Post 939980)
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed! I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?

Are you sure your daughter is not a whore and forced the man to rape her? I bet you dress her up like a common street harlot.

Rev. M. Rodimer 10-16-2012 06:48 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrotherAlex (Post 939980)
Brothers, I am in dire need of help. My 9 year old daughter was raped my my neighbor. I paid the man, but my stupid whore daughter will not be wed!

He's supposed to pay you, retard.

Who's brother are you, anyway?

Quote:

I have used hot pokers, and have gauged out one of her eyes, but she refuses to be wed. I think that killing her or selling her is the only option I have. What would Jesus do?
It's not up to her. It's up to you. Why are you giving her a choice? :dunce:

Who's the neighbor, Muhammad?

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...lrDQJYfyr8YLnr

His slave rebecca 02-01-2014 04:39 AM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Don't speak without permission.
Keep your looks up for your Husband.
Allow Him to marry as many wives as He wishes.
Never disagree with Him. He is wise and we are dumb.
Never enjoy intercourse and never say no to Him.
Allow Him to punish you as He sees fit. Thank Him for it after.
Have every meal on the table in time. Make sure it's warm.
Give up any financial rights you may have to Him.
Accept that you are property and can be sold, whipped etc.
Give up your daughters to your visitors.
Never leave your house unless for DIRE necessity. Life or death.
Do not watch tv. Your only entertainment should be cooking and reading the Bible. Maybe sing if your Husband allows.
What you want doesn't matter. Your sole purpose is to please your Master.
Prostrate to Him whenever He walks into a room. Crawl to Him and kiss His feet until He asks you to stop.
Offer Him your body as a means of letting Him get out His frustration on you, His servant through corporal punishment or other means.
Pray to God every day to understand the limitations of a woman and to better serve your Lords.
Understand that you have no right to anything not even your children. They are His to do with as He sees fit.
Let Him beat you in front of the children if necessary, especially to instill in His daughters and Sons the position of a woman in His house.

A Bible non-reader 03-21-2014 09:06 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
If you are Christians you would recognise the value of woman and homosexuals. God DID MAKE THEM

Alphonse Alban 03-21-2014 09:10 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by A Bible reader (Post 1075244)
God DID MAKE THEM

He also made all evil. How about you read the Bible for once yourself?

A Bible non-reader 03-21-2014 09:11 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
I give up on your guys you cannot see the Teachings of Jesus. Therefore i Doubt you can be saved But i am not the Judge but if i was i would kick you out and if there was a Hell i would come up with something worse

A Bible non-reader 03-21-2014 09:26 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban (Post 1075247)
He also made all evil. How about you read the Bible for once yourself?

Yes i have read the Bible many times i have lost count. However you are wrong God didn't make all evil Adam did when he ate of the tree of knowledge

A Bible non-reader 03-21-2014 09:40 PM

Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)
 
well according to the picture of Jesus which is misquoting the bible then why should i trust anyone but myself or others with sense.


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