Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Luke 16-18

1 And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods.

This is known as the parable of the unjust steward.

The master then fired the steward. Who then relieved two of the debtors of part of their debt.

8 And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light.

We aren't told exactly why the guy was happy about this. Perhaps he was just glad the the guy was able to retrieve some of the debt. It's better to get some return, than to have the people declare bankruptcy. Others say that the debt was in the stewards name (he had something like power of attorney) and that the steward didn't have to get any of the debt back, and that by doing so, he made the guy money. No one is really sure.

9 And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations.

This sounds to me like sarcasm, which we know Jesus was a fan of. It's like he's saying, when you fail, which YOU ARE GOING TO DO, you might as well be friends with the people who are going to be your downfall.

Did you see Little Nikki (staring Adam Sandler)? In it, Nikki (satan's kid) gets out of hell, and comes to earth, and makes friends with 2 head bangers. After everyone dies, the 2 friends wind up in hell, BUT, instead of getting pineapples shoved up their asses (like hitler), they get a room, and get to head bang to heavy metal for all eternity. If you are going to hell, you might as well be friends with the devil, I guess.

Then we get the fun story of the leper Lazarus. He lived in front of a rich man, and wanted to just eat the crumbs from his table. Why did Lazarus get a name and the rich man not?

Lazarus dies, so does the rich man.

23 And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

Remember, in heaven you can see those in hell, and in hell you can see those in heaven. It's like St. Louis can see East St. Louis.

25 But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

26 And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

Remember, if you get good stuff on earth, but don't share, you go to hell. If you get bad stuff on earth, you have nothing to share, so you get heaven.

Rich guy asks if Lazarus can go tell his family to repent, sell their stuff and give away the cash, and Abraham is like "they don't listen to the law of Moses and the other prophets, why would they listen to a dead guy?"

Of course, I don't remember Moses ever telling people to sell all their stuff and give it to the poor.

Luke 17

3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

Forgive people. Always, but only if they ask.

A servant is in a field, comes in, does the master say, here, eat something? No, he says "make me a sammich woman!"

9 Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not.

I would like everyone to use the phrase "I trow not". Trow is apparently an olde english word that means "think" or "believe".

Jesus then heals 10 lepers. He tells them to go to the priests (who would be able to pronounce them clean).

15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,

16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.

Remember, Samaritans are an offshoot religion, that we know is wrong.

17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?

18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.

19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

It's too bad that the samaritans are all going to burn in hell, they seem like nice enough people.

Jesus then talks about what it's going to be like when the kingdom of God returns.

27 They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noah entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.

28 Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded;

God's gonna kill a bunch of people.

34 I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.

WTF?

35 Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

WTF? oh, they mean like grinding wheat, not scissoring.

36 Two men shall be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

Luke 18

Jesus tells the parable of an unjust judge (atheist).

A widow goes to the judge to get revenge on the guy who killed her husband. The judge doesn't want to do it. but then is like... shaddup, geez women. (Kind of like the wife who says "fine, you can have sex just stop bothering me already"... "are you done yet?")

5 Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

We get what we want, but it's the spirit of the giving that matters.

8 I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?

Jesus is like the wife who decides that she wants to put out for her husband, not because he's asking for it all the time. But, because she loves him, and wants him to be happy, and knows that after a hard days work, it'd be nice to sit down, have a bourbon, and maybe get a hummer, he works hard for you.

18 And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?

19 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.

20 Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother.

21 And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up.

22 Now when Jesus heard these things, he said unto him, Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.

23 And when he heard this, he was very sorrowful: for he was very rich.

We've heard this before. How to get to heaven, don't be rich.

Peter's like "hey we gave up everything, do we get heaven?"

29 And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake,

30 Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.

Jesus is like... did you? If you REALLY did, you will get eternal reward.

Jesus then heals a blind man.

So what have we learned today?

1. If you are going to go to hell, you might as well be friends with the devil.

2. Samaritans seem like such good people... they aren't.

3. It's ok for men to sleep in the same bed, and for women to grind together.

YIC
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Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

There are a lot of people like that. People I would like to like. But going against God's Word kind of screws the pooch on becoming friends, or taking them seriously as valid human beings for that matter. The good thing about Jesus' (temporary) sacrifice, though, is that if God preordained them to eventually seek His face and share our beliefs, they become new creatures in Him. New creatures who get to join you, me, and Lazarus while we all cleave to Abraham's bosom watching sinners thrash around in hell. And I know this sounds really bad, but we'll be in Heaven, so it's totally not gay, but wonder if Abraham lactates and, if so, how good must his milkshake be? Eternity's a long time, and I'm sure after a while, after all that time spent hanging onto his bosom, his pert little strawberry nipples are going to start looking too good not to suckle.

Probably on a business trip, and one of them was trying to get all queer on the other. It just goes to show that nobody is safe when homosexurals are own the prowl for chaste Christian colons.

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Perhaps in this case the one that was left was the True Christian. I would unleash God's holy vengance and smite any man who crawled in bed with me with turd-burgaling on his mind. :thumbdown: Send him straight to damnation! :devil:

Sharing a sleeping bag with your Father on a hunting trip however, seems perfectly acceptable. :thumbsup:

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Are you familiar with Genesis 9:21-25?

Is leering at your drunken father's rectum with a flashlight in a tent really worth the consequences?:nono:

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Once again you have done God's work. Your rebuke is much appreciated. I praise him for creating someone better than me to pass down his righteous judgement and protect me from the temptations of satan.

21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. 22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. 23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness. 24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. 25 And he said,
rCursed be Canaan;
sA servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

You're welcome, brother. It seems you are already on the fast track to Salvation™, but greasing the skids a little never hurts, amen?

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

But how would we have the Cotton Gin if it weren't for Ham's sin? :o

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

If Lincoln hadn't freed the hamites, we wouldn't even need a cotton gin...

Instead of sitting around playing PS4, smoking crack, stealing pies and raping white women, they should have their noses to the grindstone manually picking seeds form cotton 24/7/365...idle coons are the devil's tools!

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Amen to that:thumbsup:

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Remember, Samaritans are an offshoot religion, that we know is wrong.
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Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Aight so I never read like the bible, but I read like part of the cliff notes of it, so if anyone wants to be a nice guy(or GURL). Then can u tell me about the bible, but I don't want like verses just the jist of it

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

Well, you see, the Bible tells us that we have all sinned; we have all committed evil acts (Romans 3:10-18). Because God is perfect and the ultimate in Goodness (Psalm 100:5; Psalm 106:1; Psalm 107:1; Psalm 135:3; 1 Chronicles 16:34; ), he is disgusted and enraged at our sinfulness. Essentially, He can’t stand us, and because He is God, He doesn’t have to because no one can make Him. He has decided that we deserve nothing less than eternal torture, and pain, and agony for having made a perfect God uncomfortable with the way we are not similarly perfect. The only appropriate punishment for sins committed against an infinite and eternal God is an infinite and eternal punishment (Romans 6:23; Revelation 20:11-15). This is why God created Hell. It’s only fair after all.

But check it out, Jesus Christ came to earth and died in our place! He didn’t have to do so, but He chose to do so. Jesus and God worked out The Ultimate Plan (2 Corinthians 5:21) because they’re pretty tight, being the Same Person (John 10:30), yet Different Persons (John 17:1). This plan was decided some time before we were ever born. It doesn’t really matter, since we probably wouldn’t have been consulted anyway, but They/He decided that Jesus would die temporarily to pay the penalty for our sins (Romans 5:8) so that God could forget all about them (Isaiah 65:17; Isaiah 43:25). Jesus paid the penalty He determined He (as God) required just so that we would not have to. Wasn’t that sweet?!?

Jesus' resurrection from the dead just goes to show that His death was sufficient to pay the penalty for our sins. No mere human could have done that, thus proving Jesus is the one and only Savior (John 14:6; Acts 4:12)!

Now, if I were to offer advice, I would suggest you start reading the Holy Bible, all of it. We know that "faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17). So to be safe, perhaps you should read the Holy Bible out loud so you can also hear it. Then you will have faith, and then you can be Saved!

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

The Bible is boring. 😒

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

No, the Bible is the most exciting book ever written. That is why it has been made into so many movies.

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

I completely understand why you are saying that, you're an idiot!

Since Luke 16-18 is all but boring, I am absolutely certain you never even bothered to actually read it. You didn't read it and yet you have an opinion on it. That's stupid!

And the worst part is that you are actually insulting God without even having something close to a clue of what it is you are talking about. That is very dumb of you!

Fortunately for you Jesus loves dumb stupid idiots who fear him (Proverbs 9:10). He greatly prefers people who blindly follow His every command over those who challenge his scripture and have a mind of their own (Deuteronomy 4:2).

So congratulations, you are already going in the right direction! Now all you have to do is to shut up (1st Timothy 2:11-12) and to worship Jesus 24/7 until He kills you.

Re: Day 302. Luke 16-18
 

***Stupid and lame porn video removed by moderator***

This is how I pray.