Fellow Christians, I have good news for all of you. Our board of directors has been discussing this issue of the world ending on March 4, 2010. Recognizing the importance of this one-time event, we've come to the conclusion that this would be the ideal time to offer "End of World insurance (EOWI)."
"What," you might ask, is EOWI, "and why would I want it?" Good questions. Simply stated, EOWI would cover your unsettled debts when the world ends. Like most Americans, you are probably underwater on your mortgage, up to your eyeballs in credit card debt, behind on your car payments, paying 400% annual interest on your payday loans, and spending all your spare cash on lottery tickets knowing that Jesus will help you win the jackpot and make you debt-free.
Or maybe you think that when the world ends less than two weeks from today, all that debt is forgiven and forgotten. Wrong! God is not anybody's fool. He knows who's paid up and who's a deadbeat. He's making a list and checking it twice. Deadbeats, even True Christians, will not be getting into Heaven and will be lucky just to wind up in Purgatory. Those who plan to use Armageddon to cheat Godly corporations like Bank of America, Visa or MasterCharge will find themselves on an express train to Hell!
That's why my company, Megacorp, is proud to announce EOWI, our latest financial product. For the special introductory price of just $99, we offer to pay off all of your outstanding debt no matter how large the amount! However, this is conditional on the world ending on March 4, 2010. So what happens if The Lord decides to extend the deadline, maybe to December 25 (Jesus's birthday)? I'm happy to let you know that you can extend your policy to meet this new reality. That's right, for a mere $99/month, we will extend your policy indefinitely until Armageddon arrives. Whenever The Lord decides that it's time to push the button, you can rest assured that my company will be there for you and your loved ones, ready to pay off all your debts to society. Of course, if you die from some other cause before the world ends, the policy is immediately canceled (but happily you will not owe us any further payments).
Why you need insurance...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btb4_b-U_EM
I am certain that all of you True Christians know a good deal when you see it. I hope that you will take advantage of this generous offer, before it is too late. Armageddon is too big to fail, so don't be caught short. This is a sure thing, just like mortgage-backed securities or credit-default swaps, another win-win situation.
Don't be caught short