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Jackson Lockwood.III Jackson Lockwood.III is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 34
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Jackson Lockwood.III is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.) - 08-20-2012, 08:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."
1; Go Hunting. If you're gonna Pray, you gotta meet God halfway.
2; Put them to work with any of a dozen maintenance things that need doing around here.
3; Slap him backhand hard enough to take him out of the chair and make it CLEAR that next time I'll take his head off.
4; Physically seperate them, throw male out of home naked like a trashbag and have the dogs 'escort' him down the driveway to the gate. Gag and bind daughter, wrists to ankles, flush her out, then cane her rump until it's covered in welts.
5; Do what I can for myself, and pray for God's assistance with such. Again, you gotta meet him halfway.
6; I've already got 3 dogs and a cat. What the hell, one more mouth that'll keep the mouse population controlled and Hanta virus at bay. If it's a dog, one more set of ears and jaws to keep the home safe.
7; They're already moved in, and I have friends, lifelong friends of the same faith as myself in nearby towns...kind of a moot point.
8; Depends on what she's saying. If it's 'Your truck is on fire', it's worth hearing her out. But whatever she says, better be important/worth listening to.
9; Tell him, point blank, out by the chopping block with axe in-hand that I will cut his hand off the next time I catch him at it or find proof of him doing so.
10; We all screw up, pretty sure he knows that while we try to be Perfect--we're always going to be falling shy of it.
But, if it's a mistake made from stupidity or inattention and has some kind of bad effect on me, my household, etc. then I will send that useless stain to the ICU and it'll take the better part of a year for them to relearn how to eat with a spork...if ever.
If it's made from some kind of sly maliciousness, at best that idiot will live the rest of his life as a quadreplegic.
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