[Social Construct]

As the undocumented Human Resources Department at Freehold Truth And Light, it has been my duty to take your Diversity Statements.

I don't even know where to begin to describe how problematic they are, so I will simply post them here:

What's diversee-T? That a kind of shirt? I stopped wearing my wife-beater to work, when will you people get off my back?

I'm an intern, so my paychecks are very diverse. Sometimes I get paid nada, sometimes zilch, sometimes niets...

Dude, you just found my browser history, didn't you? You already know there's every combination of interracial action in there except spider-sex. This statement is just wasting time when I could be "working"

I play bassoon and captain intramural hockey and do charity work in Uganda every morning and run French club on weekends. And get a GPA 4.0 (whatever that is). Plus I'm savvy enough to collect the appropriate number of participation badges. Well, not really, but I did sign up for these things to tick the box, it's not like you care if I actually attend, right?

I'm working at the meat-packing plant so count me as "working with unfortunate animals".

I haven't exactly kept records but I know I have a black friend and I pick up trash around the neighborhood sometimes.

I'm actually an unpaid intern, do I have to do this? I'll talk about my college: my department is made up of 27 Chinese guys, 2 Chinese women, an Eh'rab and me (186 freckles last count). All the heads are Chinese. Most of the senior staff are Chinese. All the heads of neighboring departments are Chinese. To do my part for diversity I'll try to find a Chinese person to replace me.

Do Australians count as an ethnic minority? I met some, and they're weird enough. Wearing cowboy hats, yet talking funny. If they're not a minority they should be.

If you have to do your own diversity statement, I can write a letter telling I am your third world friend. It will cost you 300 US dollars, and of course I can add gayness and some kind of disability for a few more bucks.

I punched a nazi once. I don't know if he was really nazi-nazi, but I disagreed with him and I know he's white because he didn't come back and shoot me.

My statement is "screw diversity".

Went to that Wop place. Ate spageddee. Didn't puke. Where's my parade?

I would love, love love to answer your question but I'm so busy playing first violin at the Boston Philharmonic (It might be Philadelphia? All cities look the same in the dark) and running a basketball clinic for troubled youth in Chicago.

It's sad how little time I have for my volunteer work in molecular chemistry at some Swiss college, especially since I only have one spare kidney to donate to my seven Romanian foster children.

I won't even mention my firefighting work in Brazil as well as my part-time responsibilities as a mohel.

As a front-line journalist, I get my information from diverse sources. I used to only use twitter, but now I also use TikTok.

I'm not sure if I'm at the point where I would let my daughter marry one, but if my son got an opportunity to do some heavy petting with the girl from the Gangnam Style video, I think I would tolerate it.