Thread: Who wants a Peleton for Christmas?
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Default Re: Who wants a Peleton for Christmas? - 12-12-2019, 06:19 PM
I hear Peleton stock is going down. I can only assume it is due to the Great Awakening President Trump has inspired in Christian America! Now that people are taking their faiths seriously they are reading the Bible and find skinniness is not Godliness:

The Lord loves fat so much He will take charge of it all.

All the fat is the Lord's.
Leviticus 3:16

Even God's sword is fat (and bloody).

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood,
it is made fat with fatness. Isaiah 34:6

God likes fat animals, too. He will even engorge them with people to make them even fatter, all in the name of His vengeful justice.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ...
Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth ...
And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you.
Ezekiel 39:17-19

Lazy people are skinny and poor, and the LORD has no affection for them.

The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing:
but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.
Proverbs 13:4

The Word of God is clear, if you trust Jesus, He will make you fat.

He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.
Proverbs 28:25

You can know the tree by it's fruit (Matthew 7:16), and wicked people are skinny and hungry fruit, whereas the righteous aren't afraid to pack a Godly amount of junk in their trunk.

The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ...
they shall be fat.
Psalm 92:12;14

The righteous eateth to the satisfying of his soul:
but the belly of the wicked shall want.
Proverbs 13:25

I don't know why anyone would spend money on a contraption that Jesus so clearly disapproves of, and I think that is why their sales are hitting rock bottom.

Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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