Eyewitness Testimony! The
best kind of evidence there is! And even better if the testimony is uttered by a
True Christian™ Eyewitness. A foreign - and thus slightly
suspicious - pastor brings us
tidings of his recent visits in
Heaven. Based on the data we gathered he may even have visited
Heaven 15 times and brought back important information about its population. He met
many famous and infamous people up there, and among them was Mr.
Adolf Hitler, who is probably, however,
alive, and thus apparently just another visitor to the Eternal Mansions of
Jesus Christ. But let us look at the evidence in
detail:
First, is this man a
reliable witness? At least he speaks and writes American but the slightly better grasp of grammar when compared to our
Beloved President Trump may raise your suspicions... Let us remember that good skills in American orthography are not
necessarily evil, although the
Bible clearly opposes secular education (2 Timothy 3:5-7). In fact,
George Bernard Shaw witnesses to us that
foreigners are allowed to surpass pure-blood Americans in literary skills:On to the content of this foreign prophecy. The people he
thought he met in
Heaven: Is it
plausible (we'll use the triage of the Myth Bastards here,
i.e., "confirmed", "plausible" or bustered")?
- Adolf "Hilter" (could mean Hitler): More than plausible. Between the moment he faked the taking of the cyanide capsule and today he has had 75 years to find Jesus and Repent® from his atrocious sins. Confirmed.
- Mummer Gadhafi: ??? Probably a passing acquaintance of this self-proclaimed prophet. Plausible.
- Brenda Fassie: Nevah heard! But found out that "Her drug and alcohol abuse as well as her bisexuality also received much media attention. Her drug habits hampered her music career until she went to a drug rehabilitation centre in 1995." Apparently a mediocre singer. True Christians™ have committed sins as bad or worse (James 2:10) - Plausible!
- Tongai Moyo: ??? Who cares? Jesus probably did not even notice when this person sneaked into Heaven. I'd say Confirmed.
- Michael Jackson: Now this is the part of the prophecy that is hard to swallow. Would the notorious catholic-level boy abuser really gain a backstage pass to Jesus? We do have pictorial evidence (see below) but is that enough to prove this beyond reasonable doubt?
This photograph is not in any
context!
Jesus could as well be in the middle of the process of discarding Mr. Jackson's soul into
Hell! But -
God did perform a miracle on Michael Jackson! He made Mr. Jackson
White!
Psalms 51:7
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.- Hence: Mr. Jackson is in Heaven - Plausible.
This Prophet also claims to
heal cancer, AIDS and even the vicious condition of high Blood Pressure. This is
plausible.
Luke 9:1
Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases.- Overall assessment: quite Plausible. This prophet needs our attention. His eyewitness testimony seems genuine and we can now determine that Mr. Hitler is either unexpectedly dead or was visiting Heaven at the same time as this foreign man was.
I am currently planning a
mission to the African continent to find this Prophet and assess with my
own eyewitness testimony his credentials. Fortunately I just received an e-mail about
an uncle that I did not know I had. Apparently he perished recently in Nigeria and left a
considerable fortune ($ 5 million) that I shall inherit after paying the lawyer over there the
token sum of $ 4000 for their
expenses. I'll be soon sending them this sum. This will allow me to visit the country and examine this prophet
thoroughly.
Praise Jesus! And it is so
nice to know that
anyone can Repent.
Jesus does not
grade sins (except Matthew 12:31). To just think about stealing an apple from your neighbor's orchard is
as bad as a
genocide. He'll accept you if you do your Ecclesiastes 12:13
properly.
Gory to God!
Yours in Christ,
Elmer