Thread: Investment Advice, Please
View Single Post
(#4)
Old
MitzaLizalor's Avatar
MitzaLizalor MitzaLizalor is offline
Completely CRAZY for the Lord
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Heaven Bound Mission to Australia Christian Love Real American™ Friend of Jesus Flat Earth TC Bravery The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking One Year/1000 posts Best stoning bucket True Christian Lady Pro-Life True Scientist™ True Christian™ True Christian Artist True Christian Beauty Most Obedient Batman Shooting Survivor Kangi Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior Early riser Nuts for JESUS! Touched by Jesus Color wheel Trumpette Anti-sodomy Hands Off 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 5 Years Stamp of Approval Tagging for Jesus In Love With Zeke BFF of Jesus God's chosen ones Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Grammar Nazi GLORY Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor Aardvark Crown of Glory

 
Posts: 14,666
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Leviticus Landing
MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!MitzaLizalor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-17-2018, 01:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Today I received an envelope marked "URGENT! INVEST IN HEAVEN TODAY!" from a company called Celestial Storehouse. Inside was a reminder that we should not be collecting treasures here, but rather setting up for our Heavenly Home in Glory. Deuteronomy 32:34 speaks of God's storehouses (notice the plural; for you ladies, that means more than one).


Matthew 6:20 was mentioned in the personalized letter. I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself by setting up a Celestial Storehouse with a recommended weekly donation of $15,000 or more. But that's not all! If I set up an account by February 1, I will also be guaranteed a part of the firmament to call my very own. Imagine all of your heavenly neighbors green with envy over the fact that they do not own a piece of the firmament, but YOU DO! Isn't that a great feeling? I am feeling like shouting Hallelujah. However, since I am an intelligent, handsome, well built certified equine gnathologist, I do not want to squander my riches in Glory. I am therefore coming to you, my brothers in Christ, to tell me what you think a fair price is for such an investment. Is $15,000 too pricey?


I believe in the firmament, as all Christians should - but what will be the need for ownership of it once we fly through the air to meet Jesus and have supper? Will there be charges for upkeep, or will that even be a concern in our mansion Jesus has prepared for us?


I hope I don't seem like a foolish child to worry about such things, but I want to do what's right. May God richly bless those who offer advice.
It always amazes me how consistent The Bible is. Deluded freaks will say something they made up last night, just before passing out from excessive fumes, is supported by God. For instance


OBADIAH 1 .KJV
5b If the grapegatherers came to thee, would they not leave some grapes?


could support the delusion that one is a grape. Due to making grape vodka from family members the grapegatherers decided to crush the world for such wanton fratricide and, stumbling over the Kipp's generator prior to hitting the deck so getting a good lungful on the way down, Freak 1 imagines these gatherers in their mercy to leave some grapes unsquashed for regeneration.

Suddenly, hallucinating Freak 1 awakes. All around are grapes, blue grapes, red grapes, mauve, green and puce grapes some with legs some with wings and all singing. Freaks 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 as Freak 1 is now convinced: "See, it says so right there in The Bible!!"
"The grapegatherers have been merciful leaving some grapes to generate after the great squashing; look! Do you not see grapes? Were they not spared?" but due to overlooking the context Obadiah 1:1-21 this wasted freak gets arrested trying to generate with Freak 6, the puce grape, which in reality was not a grape at all. Although seeming plausible, Freak 1 is exposed by a simple Bible reading.

I'm not going to show the fullest context concerning firmamental real estate but rely on the inerrant consistency of God's message highlighting a couple of passages which could be relevant. Has the salesperson detailed which firmament is offered here? I only ask because God has defined His terms so that we will know.

Genesis 1:7-8 .. Revelation 21:1
Revelation 22:5


God explains here that the firmament has a name. This is a temporary arrangement and The Bible is clear what happens to it. But we are not left abandoned, cast aside like pomace for methane production, but promised an eternal status in the second.—.permanent.—.scheme. Before investing a simple question referring to the passages I've cited may be prudent.
Reply With Quote