[Tarantula-Nebula]

Hello! I am a fellow Christian and am looking for some advice. I might post this on other places on the web, too, because I'm looking for opinions. I couldn't figure out how to do my own topic, so I hope you don't mind me replying here, since it is related to this topic. And my questions here are serious.

I am currently living alone and come from a Christian family. Lately, I have been having a hard time dealing with guilt from various things, such as not getting my homework done, not keeping my room clean, not interacting well with others, not doing chores, being late for class, etc. I have no one to talk to about my problems, and no one to punish me. I have suffered from these lowly feelings so much that I started searching online for ways to punish myself, and found information on self-spanking. I decided to try it, and just a few hits with a wooden spoon hurts my butt so badly I can hardly stand to continue. It can't work well if I can't punish myself enough, although it does help a little.



I started doing more research and discovered CDD. I had never heard about this before, even though I am from a Christian family and some of them go to Church. I have done a lot of research on it, including on this forum, and am very fascinated with the things I have found. I think I am interested in pursuing this kind of lifestyle because I think it would help me stay on the right path. However, I am 23 and have never even dated before. And now I am living alone. How can I get the severe spankings I feel that I deserve? And do I really deserve them? From reading this forum, I'm also seeing for the first time about interpretations from the Bible stating females should be spanked and live under men. I have always lived equally with the opposite sex. And as far as being spanked, I was so young when I received spankings that I cannot remember them. When I think of being spanked by someone stronger than me, being held across their lap defenseless and feeling my underwear being pulled down to expose my big, bare bottom, my stomach flutters from anxiety. And that only worsens when I imagine someone beating my butt until it's unbearable and I'm in tears. I hate and am terrified of the thoughts of being spanked, but I like the thoughts of the relief afterward that I should feel after being given that kind of punishment.



And if I were to someday finally get in a relationship, I would also like to spank my husband if I feel he is straying from the path of righteousness. That is permissible, correct?



So
1.) Do I deserve a spanking? If yes, how bad of one?
2.) Where/How can I get this spanking?
3.) Any other advice?