Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
The tragic fate of my husband and two eldest sons has been confirmed.
I have received the news by phone this evening by the local sheriff in the town where Mr. Moans, Rush and Crusher were last seen alive.
The culprit behind their untimely demises appears to be this
gigantic catfish, caught this morning by the local rescue team.
Inside the beastie's belly was the partially digested remains of my beloved Mr. Moans. Before that, the drowned corpses of Rush and Crusher bobbed up on shore alarming the locals.
Job 41:1 Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook?
Or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down?
The forensic team theorized that the fishing trip turned to tragedy when Mr. Moans tried to go after the gargantuan fish and successfully captured it, as evidenced by this last photograph of him alive, found caught in their capsized fishing boat.
Sadly, when Mr. Moans tried to take the beast by hand out of the water, the momental water displacement created a violent whirlpool that sucked both Rush and Crusher under. Mr. Moans lost control and was devoured in one go by the hungry fish.
Naturally, I'm in an absolute state, shaken by this sudden act of God. Of course, I'm never to question Him if he sees it fit to claim my spouse and eldest kin. I must contact Mr. Cohen, the recommended lawyer immediately over the matter of my husband's life insurance policy. With Ulick gone, he's not around to protect it, and I want to make sure it will be safe.
A service and visitation will be held this Sunday evening at 5, after the main service. I will warn it will be an open casket, not by choice, but for pragamatic reasons. Being a tin tither, I can't afford large fancy caskets, and unfortunately their bloated, purple water logged bodies won't allow the cheaper casket lids to close properly. None the less, you are welcome to endure the stench and pay your humble respects.