[Ezekiel Bathfire]

An Angel at Christmas

There are small ways in which God makes His Perfect Presence known to us on a daily basis. I mention this as I was wandering around Wal-Mart wondering what it was that Mrs Bathfire had told me to buy, and had arrived at the fruit aisle (and this was real fruit – I’m not gay in the slightest) when He sent an Angel to help me.

The Angel had the appearance of a fat woman in lime-green, tight-fitting, lycra pants and unwieldy bosoms that would have compared to Abraham’s loosely supported by a jumper patterned after an epileptic fit. Like all fat women, she was remarkable only in her ugliness.

However, we know that God does not publicize his presence with obviously golden-haired Angels with a high feather content: He prefers an approach that is a sudden surprise – NB the famous “Thief in the Night” scene in KJV 1611 – and so it was here. It happened like this:

There I was, convinced that I was in the wrong place and not having the faintest idea what Mrs Bathfire had said (Gentlemen, do you notice that because women say such a lot without actually coming to a point, God has equipped us men with an attention “Off-Switch” that we might not lose years of our lives? I know I do.) when, the Angel started humming “Dee-di-dee, de-diddy dee, de diddy, diddy dee…” which you will instantly recognize as a catchy song by that popular chanteur Mr Rober Dylan, and entitled “Hey Mr Tangerine Man” – And that was the answer… Tangerines!

I took a dozen or so choice ones and turned back to see if the Angel were still there – She (or “it” – you can never tell with Angels) had mysteriously and miraculously disappeared. I was looking around for her when another woman arrived, and I asked if she had seen an Angel… she said she had not, so it must have been a private revelation and the Angel was only visible to me.

I saw this as a good start to the New Year until I got home, when Mrs Bathfire, although pleased with the tangerines, asked me where the onions were as she was supposed to make French Onion soup…

I told her that God had only sent one Angel with one message much in the way that He sent one angel to the shepherds with one message. It was sign that eating French Onion soup would be a mistake. I did not feel inclined to explain any further – if God wants to make Himself aware to Mrs Bathfire, He will do it in His Own Way and I am not going to put any pressure on Him.