I've always been a dog person, but when a friend had to give away a cat, I ended up with it. I've already talked about how perverse these creatures are, "cleaning" their nether regions in fuzzy little orgies of self-abuse. Pint-sized pornstars, I call them. And they only get worse.
It turns out that cats are reefer-addicts as well. There is a weed growing around my property, and every time Roadkill (that's the name I gave it) comes across this weed, he goes acid-trip crazy:
As a parent, how am I supposed to explain this to the children? "
Sure, cats have fun on drugs, and suffer no side-effects, but you're not a cat. You'll get the munchies and bite off your own fingers just to eat them, and you'll think the pot means you can fly so you'll jump off stuff. Ignore the harmless fun happening right before your eyes, and believe me instead!"
Yes, before pot, before even ground-up ritalin, a child's first drug experience is watching their feline buddies "
tripping balls" on catnip. Advertisers know animals are great at selling things, just look at the Taco Bell dog.
Responsible parents, it is time to take a stand. Since shipping all cats to China seems to be considered inhumane, the only solution is to drive catnip into extinction. People with catnip on their property should be charged with possetion. Pet stores that sell catnip toys should be charged with trafficing. Owners who fail to turn in their catnip-addicted pets will be charged with being accessories to a crime. Pesticide spraying programs should be started right away. We'll give a new meaning to the term "
spray and pray".