As you probably already know, an epidemic of homosexuality has been spreading around the local animals. This is due to the lenient, almost
liberal attitude some have shown, in defiance of Philippians 3:2 which states "
Beware of dogs". "
Oh, they're just sniffing" you said. Well, now they're just sniffing, A LOT, and we've seen male dogs hunched over each other, as well as other acts I won't describe.
When Jesus faced an epidemic of demon-infested pigs, he didn't take a lenient attitude. He hit them, hard, until they ran to their deaths:
Mark 5:10-13:10 , Matthew 8:28-34; Luke 8:26-39.
Thankfully, our community has been up to the challenge, and we've had more than enough volunteers at the animal shelter to deal with all the abandoned gay animals. If you've been turned away, it's because priority is going to the kids. Read this heart-warming letter we received and you'll understand:
"Thank you mister for letting me kill fags. I got so hiper [sic] I wiggled the needle and hert [sic] Sirbarfsalot [name of the cat]. Maybe the pane [sic] made him repent if not hes [sic] barfing in hell now. The End. Yours trulie [sic] Jimmy.
Here's the problem though: everyone wants to inject the animals and watch them die, but we don't have enough volunteers to do routine things like clean up the poop (or the Santorum, as some would say). Worst of all nobody wants to touch the gay carcasses. No, kicking them down the hall is not sufficient, you have to actually pick them up.
As a bonus incentive we will have a free BBQ! We could use donations of buns and condiments, though no meat please, we have plenty.
(I'm sorry my restaurant can do nothing to help, Obama's anti-business "food-safety" gestapo has been persecuting them ruthlessly, probably bugging every roadkill from here to Ohio.)
But I've gone off topic. Long story short, we need less injectors, and more corpse-tossers. Also, a lot of gay animals have ended up getting loose and now need to be hunted down:
"Jake" an unrepentant "bottom". A local corgie (recently executed) made him his bitch.
"Molly", lipstick lesbian to a bulldyke bulldog.
"Boo" the Pomeranian: no smoking-gun proof of his gayness, but just look at him. Permanently barred from entering Freehold city limits, may try to infiltrate.
"Bella" - first reported to be "just experimenting", now said to be the ringleader of a lesbian pack.
P.S. The proper name is "Freehold Animal Shelter", so please stop referring to it as "Meowswitz".