Brother B-J, I nearly bought a cucumber just the other day.
There I was at the Safeway, gathering fresh vegetables for a church pot luck salad. I had tomatoes, zucchini, baby corn, and all sorts of tasty treats.
There they were: Cucumbers, 2 for $1. What a great way to add some texture to the salad!
I rolled my cart over and picked up one of these succulent delights.
Much to my surprise, it was . . . well, greasy. I set it down and picked up another; also greasy.
A store employee was wandering by, and I asked why the cucumbers were so greasy. "Oh," he said, pointing at an emo-looking stocker, "Billy lubes 'em up with the KY every night in the storeroom. Takes him hours."
Upon seeing my expression of horror, he quickly added, "Dude, it washes off, it won't hurt you or nuthin."
I'm not sure what happened next. I must have fainted from my shock at the matter-of-fact way he told me about "Billy" and the depravity he engaged in with the cucumbers. I awoke in the storeroom, and my behind hurt something fierce.
"Dude, you fell down and landed right on one of them cucumbers. Don't worry, me and Billy, we got it out for you. You OK?"