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Free Market Fred Free Market Fred is offline
The Prophet of Profit, Now Giving Financial Advice to Jesus in Heaven
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Default Re: Mitt Romney: Go call someone who cares! - 09-05-2012, 04:33 AM

Actually, if that woman would just accept Jesus, she would understand that God loves her and is trying to kill her. He sent a flood so that she could be in Heaven early and not have to wait for The Rapture. God does this periodically for the poor folk, but they just don't seem to get the message.

Listen, if any of you trailer trash are reading this, please understand this:

God wants you to die!



It's for your own good really. For one thing, it's the only way you're ever going to be able to pay off your credit card debt. Though thanks to new legislation we just got passed last week, your kids inherit your debt - but hey, at least you don't have to pay. Plus the new law allows credit card companies (like mine) to operate privatized debtors' prisons. We may be able to move some of our factories in China back to the USA, creating jobs for Americans. I'm talking quality jobs, like electronics assembly, chemical waste processing, coal mining, etc. Thus, if you die, your kids will have great new employment opportunities with on-the-job training, free room and board, etc.

Really, next time the Lord sends a flood, fire, tornado, earthquake, etc, to your neighborhood, just do the decent thing and die already. And remember, Jesus loves you and promises a big reward in Heaven - at least some free coupons for Wal-Mart shopping or something.


A reward awaits you in Heaven, but hurry - limited time offer!


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
Put your faith in Uranus!


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