[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

Dear Santa:
I'd like a wife. It has been quite some time since my wife, Mrs. Huchins left, no one (certainly not me) has any clue or definite proof of her whereabouts. Time for a replacement, ideally a much better one.

I'd like her to be young but not too young, she must be fertile, with wide birthing hips and a slender waist. Beautiful and not speak. A fantastic cook and homemaker.. Agreeable with no opinions. She must know her place. Please send a catalog of suitable females from which I can audition.
You can check with Jesus, I have been very well behaved.

Howdy-ho, Jimbo-Bimbo my Baby Boy! I wish I could give you the awesome superpower of READING THE INSTRUCTIONS but I won't. You just have to struggle with the intuition that led you the above-mentioned undeliverable item, a wife.

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ho, please be reminded that I do not deliver people or abstract concepts ("love", "peace of mind", etc.). I do not deliver "health" tho on some occasions blue pills are acceptable.

I suppose that (obviously) by your definition wives are not "people" but "items" and as much as I'd like to deliver you an inflatable plastic manikin of a woman, I won't - You've been nice and I don't have to consult G-zuz to know that - my elfs have watched your every step. So I'm gonna deliver you a gift based on your needs. Behold this jumbo sousaphone that'll be yours in just a few weeks! Oom-pah Oom-pah!




AND it comes with a mute (in PLASTIC!) so that it won't "speak" when you don't want it to! Ho!



AND if you still insist on finding a suitable mate. I'll deliver to you a one-way plane ticket (economy class, not refundable) to Jersey Shore where you can browse the catalog of suitable mates in real life. You only get all this because you're one of my special boys, Jimbo-Bimbo! Ho ho ho!