[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2010

You haven't heard from me in a while, but I assure you that ol' soon-to-be-sheriff Ofc. Don is still out and about busting crooks.

I like having patrol duty in the Christmas season, so I can drive around drinking coffee and admiring Christmas displays.

While cruising on the rougher side of town last night I was actually enjoying the Christmas decorations the poor folk have in front of their shacks and trailers.

All was well until I saw it:



I came to a screeching halt on the lawn. I toggled my lights and radioed into dispatch, "Female wicker reindeer wrapped in Christmas lights engaged in public indecency with male wicker reindeer wrapped in Christmas lights at 118 south second, stand by." 10-4 was the response.

I flew out of my cruiser to dismantle the lewd display before any children saw it.

My lights must have alerted the homeowner, who came out to ask the old cliche, "what do you think you're doing, Officer?"

"Trying to do my duty to protect the sensitivities of this community! Now I suggest you dismantle this lewd display before any children see it." I responded.

The homeowner, who was probably late twenties, just laughed at me! I was stunned. Nobody laughs at an Officer of the Law when he issues an order.

"Don't kids know where we get little reindeer anyway?" asked the surely homeowner.

"Any Christian parent would rather their child learn about sex when they're adults on their honeymoon, not on the street from a lewd Christmas display. Yours portrays what appears a female atop a male reindeer, which is in violation not only of public decency laws, but God's law."

I continued: "Because female reindeer don't have tallywhackers, it has to be inferred that she has equipped an artificial device to aid in penetration of the male wicker reindeer's posterior."

He was already facing counts of public indecency, sodomy, fornication and possibly lewd conduct involving however many children had already seen this altar of Satan.

I asked if he would also like to go for resisting a direct order from an Officer of the Law.

He refused to take down the display so I had to do it myself, after writing him a big fat ticket. There was more to this thing than met the eye and it took me a good half hour to get it disassembled. I did confiscate it.

And I am going to reassemble these adulterous reindeer for church on Sunday and make an object lesson out of it for the kids, after which we will take them outside and stone them in the parking lot.

God has a master design for men and women and He doesn't take well to those who go against nature.