2 Samuel 10-12
Today we get:
- War with Ammon
- Uriah
- David and whatshername
2 Samuel 10
1 And it came to pass after this, that the king of the children of Ammon died, and Hanun his son reigned in his stead.
David decides that he's going to try to make peace with Hanun, so he sends some messengers to try to comfort the new leader.
Hanun's men claim that the messengers are really spies.
4 Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away.
They probably looked quite funny, with only half a beard, and their clothes cut in half.
5 When they told it unto David, he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed: and the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and then return.
Apparently Jericho had been rebuilt, even though Joshua cursed anyone that rebuilt it.
Joshua 6:26 And Joshua adjured them at that time, saying, Cursed be the man before the LORD, that riseth up and buildeth this city Jericho: he shall lay the foundation thereof in his firstborn, and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates of it.
Apparently, people have short memories...
6 And when the children of Ammon saw that they stank before David, the children of Ammon sent and hired the Syrians of Bethrehob and the Syrians of Zoba, twenty thousand footmen, and of king Maacah a thousand men, and of Ishtob twelve thousand men.
Ammon goes out and hires an army of mercenaries from Syria.
David sends out Joab with the army to go fight.
9 When Joab saw that the front of the battle was against him before and behind, he chose of all the choice men of Israel, and put them in array against the Syrians:
10 And the rest of the people he delivered into the hand of Abishai his brother, that he might put them in array against the children of Ammon.
It's nice of Joab to take the best men, and give his brother the rest.
11 And he said, If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me: but if the children of Ammon be too strong for thee, then I will come and help thee.
If the Syrians are too strong for Joab and the choicest men, what chance will his brother, with the remainder have?
13 And Joab drew nigh, and the people that were with him, unto the battle against the Syrians: and they fled before him.
Damn chicken Syrians, they should fight and die like they were paid for.
14 And when the children of Ammon saw that the Syrians were fled, then fled they also before Abishai, and entered into the city. So Joab returned from the children of Ammon, and came to Jerusalem.
That war was over, and pretty easy, everyone just sort of left.
David found out where those Syrians were hiding, and he decided to go kill them.
17 And when it was told David, he gathered all Israel together, and passed over Jordan, and came to Helam. And the Syrians set themselves in array against David, and fought with him.
18 And the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host, who died there.
Damn, those Syrians sure do like to run away.
19 And when all the kings that were servants to Hadarezer saw that they were smitten before Israel, they made peace with Israel, and served them. So the Syrians feared to help the children of Ammon any more.
Why can't Syria make peace with Israel these days? No, they have to go and support Hezbollah, they can't try to find true peace.
2 Samuel 11
1 And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.
Was there an annual war or something? If that's the case, then our beloved president is just following the biblical example and sending our troops to their annual war, as is mandated by 2 Samuel 11:1.
2 And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.
So David's just up on the roof minding his own business, when he looks down and sees a woman taking a bath, as though this is part of a bad scene in the Brian De Palma film Body Double.
3 And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?
Yes, it is Bathsheba, coincidentally, David saw her taking a Bath. The story would be different if her name was Showersheba, or Spongebathsheba.
4 And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.
Jeez, didn't David have enough wives and concubines that he didn't have to be an adulterer? Shouldn't David have been stoned?
5 And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child.
Um, King... I'm pregnant.
Oh, crap!
So David comes up with a plan, he has Joab send Uriah back to inform him how the annual war is going.
8 And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king.
David is gonna try to get Uriah to go in unto his own wife, so that maybe everyone might think that the child is Uriah's. Apparently, Bathsheba had only missed one or two times of her uncleanliness, so she wasn't showing yet.
9 But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.
David is perplexed as to why Uriah isn't going home.
11 And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? as thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.
Uriah is a stand up kind of guy. While his general, and all the other troops are out at war, he feels he shouldn't have all the niceties of home. He won't be going on a vacation (even a working vacation) while his people are fighting. He won't spend time with his wife when no other soldiers get to be with their wives. He won't make a ceremonial trip over to Iraq on Thanksgiving to make a token visit and serve turkey to the troops, he's a fighter. He's a real man. He's not in the Texas Air National Guard! He's not going to clear brush in Crawford Texas, while men are out fighting and dieing!
13 And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
Crap, even when Uriah is drunk, he still has better priorities than David.
So, since David can't get Uriah to go in unto his wife, David has no other choice (to cover up his adultery) than to send a letter to Joab, telling him to put Uriah in the most dangerous part of the fighting.
16 And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men were.
Joab does, and Uriah dies.
Joab sends word back that Uriah has died, in a heap.
David says not to worry, they will take that city, and that everyone dies.
25 Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him.
Once again, we see David having someone killed, but not doing it himself, so he can claim somewhat innocent of the death.
Bathsheba hears of her husbands death, and mourns.
27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.
Adultery and murder. All Saul did was not kill everything in a timely manner, he didn't break any of the ten commandments, causing the LORD to leave him. David broke several of them, but the LORD didn't leave him. See friends, the LORD will forgive whoever he wants, for whatever he wants. Are you one of the chosen?
2 Samuel 12
1 And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.
Nathan is telling David a parable. David doesn't realize that it's just a story and not a retelling of factual events.
2 The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds:
3 But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.
It was his pet, his favourite little friend.
4 And there came a traveller unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him.
How did the rich man get the lamb away from the poor man, if it slept with him and was with him all the time?
5 And David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die:
Not like David would kill him, himself, he'd have someone else do it.
6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.
He'll restore the lamb fourfold BEFORE he's killed.
7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;
8 And I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.
David is the rich man who killed the poor man's lamb. Well, David sure as heck isn't gonna have himself killed.
9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.
Nathan says David HIMSELF killed Uriah with the sword of Ammon.
11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
One big orgy of David's wives being gone in unto by nearby kingdoms!
12 For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.
Nathan uses sun analogies a lot to show that something is not being done in secret.
13 And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die.
Even though David broke two laws that call for his death, he's not going to be put to death.
14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.
Well, that's really crappy. David breaks the laws, and because of that, God is going to kill the child.
Deuteronomy 24:16 The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin. Once again, we see the rules being broken for David's convenience.
15 And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.
God punishes the child for the father's sins.
18 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?
David had been fasting and sleeping on the ground, showing humility, hoping the LORD would cure the baby. He didn't.
20 Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat.
The time for begging for forgiveness is over, it's time to move on.
22 And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?
23 But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
David moves through the stages of grief quickly. He realizes that no amount of fasting will bring the child back, so there's no point in feeling sorry for it.
24 And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.
Nothing comforts a grieving widow/wife more than having the king going in unto her.
Later, Joab defeats Rabbah of Ammon. He's about to take over the city, but doesn't want the victory to be his, so he calls for the king to lead the procession into the conquered city. David goes.
30 And he took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance.
PRAISE JESUS!!!
So what have we learned today?
1. If you knock up a guys wife, sending that guy to war will make God angry.
2. God sometimes does and doesn't visit the iniquity of the fathers on the sons.
3. The fastest way to get over the death of a child is to try to have another one.
YIC
V