"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."
Being a 83 year old True Christian™, having 9 sons, even some daughters and over 100 grandchildren, I know a
lot about making children. Since I get a lot of questions about how children are made, I decided to write this guide so everyone can read the very important things I have to say about this. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.
Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to
MAKING CHILDREN,
RAISING CHILDREN and
GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!
Step #1: Become a True Christian™!
In case you are not a True Christian™ yet, your first priority should be to become one. The Landover Baptist Church forum is filled with wisdom on how to achieve this, so I am not going to spend much words on this. In short what you have to do, as explained in
2nd Timothy 3:16, is to memorize the entire
KJV1611 Holy Bible and do everything it says. Getting on your knees and praying to Jesus being an important part of that.
Step #2: Get a True Christian™ wife!
You have to marry a virgin True Christian™ wife. Those are not easy to find. If your father does not select one for you your Pastor can be of great help. Tithing a lot of money to your Pastor will usually increase the quality of the wife he will help you find. So be sure to tithe a
lot of money! Marry a wife as young as is legally allowed where you live. Make sure she has great looks and can bake an excellent pie. Taste her pie
before you marry her! Ignore retarded people babbling on about love and caring, they do
not know what they are talking about!
Once you are married, all details on how you have to treat your new wife can be found in the
KJV1611 Holy Bible, specifically
1st Timothy 2:11-12, Genesis 3:16, Matthew 18:25, Ephesians 5:28-29,
1st Corinthians 7:4 and
1st Corinthians 7:2. To summarize, your wife should be silent and do everything you command her to do.
Step #3: Have SEX!
This is the tricky part. Sex is an awful activity that has to be practiced exactly once for every child you want to make. It's a horrible despicable act that unfortunately has to be done to make the child. Details on sex can be found in
Genesis 29:30 (about going into the women) and
Leviticus 15:32 (about the seed you have to plant). Make sure you have sex at the proper moment during her "cycle". Don't even bother figuring out how that works, just ask your wife as she will know about this. Unfortunately, she is probably going to tell you about it even if you don't ask about it.
Step #4: Pray for a son!
Getting sons is easy. As explained in
Matthew 6:6 just pray to God and as mentioned in
Luke 18:27 you will get what you pray for. Your first child will of course always have to be a son. With the next children it becomes more tricky though. First of all your wife will start pressuring you for daughters. And daughters do indeed have some small practical applications as they can help your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with. But there is a more complicated issue to consider. Even though daughters are essentially worthless, your own sons will need True Christian™ wives as will the sons of other True Christians™. Unfortunately the only way to make this all work is to also have some daughters. And even worse, you will need extra sex to make those. Life isn't always easy.
Step #5: Wait 5 months.
Essentially all you have to do the next 5 months is to ignore some whining from your wife, just be firm with her, ignore all her unreasonable wishes and make sure she keeps up with all her duties.
Step #6: In the next 4 months start hitting your wife's belly with a rod, HARD!
As I explained in my insightful article on "
Start hitting your child with a rod 16 weeks before birth!", after 5 months you can start hitting your unborn child with a rod. This way you prevent the child from going to hell, as explained in
Proverbs 23:13-14 and at the same time you can discipline your wife for whatever she did wrong today. Unfortunately you will notice your wife getting fatter and uglier during this period. That is just the way God designed it. Don't forget to mention to your wife often that she is getting fatter and uglier to prevent her from overdoing it!
Step #7: Get out of town, FAST!
About 9 months after you had sex, make sure you are out of town! You
never want to be around when the child is actually born! As explained in
Genesis 3:16 God designed childbirth to be extremely painful to punish your wife for Eve's sins and all that clearly has nothing to do with you. Also in the first few days after birth the child tends to make a lot of noise, also something to avoid. Finally women tend to neglect their duties the first few days after childbirth. My personal recommendation for these events is to go on a nice long hunting trip with some good friends!
Step #8: Go home and check if the child is yours!
Wait at least a week after the child is born before you go home. Check thoroughly if the child is indeed yours. A True Christian™ DNA test is the least you should do here. If you suspect the child is not yours, e.g. the child is ugly, divorce your wife on the spot and start again at step #2. If you made very sure the child is indeed yours, congratulate yourself on a job well done! Make sure you do not allow your wife to forsake her duties. Some extra discipline might be needed to keep your household in proper order. It's also time to start raising your child now, as explained in
Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to RAISING CHILDREN!
Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know to make your own children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God:
Genesis 1:28 "... Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth ..."