Hello Brothers & Sisters!
Although I'm only a minor investor in Landoverbaptist™ Enterprises, finance is my area of expertise and I feel that it is my duty as a True Christian to offer some friendly advice.
First off, when it comes to CEO compensation, the sky should be the limit. Most people have no idea how hard we CEOs work - just because we spend an inordinate amount of time on golf courses does NOT mean we aren't working. As a matter of fact, I'm on the driving range of the Hong Kong Country Club right now as I dictate this message to my supple-limbed Chink secretary. It's 11:00 AM Sunday here, stinking hot, but I feel the need to be here sipping a piña colada because I'm conducting a business meeting as we play - just got finished passing on some stockmarket insider-trading tips to a Chink government official in exchange for getting him to toss out a few environwacko regulations that were preventing my company from dumping cadmium waste into the Yellow River just upsteam from several fishing villages.
Yeah, that's right, even the Chinks got an EPA now - the more money they make, the more uppity they get. It's all the fault of them western bleeding-heart liberals, who insist that Chinks should have "human rights." Like they was human, or something.
But I digress. Like I was saying, CEOs need their golf courses, Learjets and fact-finding missions to massage parlors in the Dominican Republic and Cambodia. You've got to spend money to make money. So if your company's profits seem to be a little lean right now, the last place you should be looking for savings is to cut CEO compensation. Rather, consider the possibility of using prison labor rather than minimum wage workers or illegal immigrants. My company's privatized prison subsidiary,
Uranus Gulag, Inc, is
the place to go for one-stop shopping for all your church's need. We can supply Bibles, furniture, chain-gang construction crews, goon squads to attack abortion clinics, and even security. That's right - we've found that prison trustees make great security guards, having learned from first-hand experience the proper use of tasers, nightsticks, attack dogs and how to plant drugs on people you don't like.
Of course, you can only take cost-cutting so far - there is still a need to generate revenue, and I think that I can offer some good opportunities here, especially in the
gaming industry. And I don't mean video games. The fact is that nowadays casinos are booming business, though sadly not in the USA. Perhaps you've heard of the city of Macau, where my company has heavily invested in new casinos to help mop up China's wealth as fast as we can open a new prison factory.
Macau casino
More profitable than our privatized prisons!
Chink gamblers
Aside from having over 1 billion suckers to extract wealth from, Chink casino workers come cheap. No minimum wage around here. Indeed, most of them don't even have to be paid - they are working off debts incurred by family members and passed down through the generations. All we've got to do is feed and house them - cheap to do since they eat rice and are happy to sleep on top of packing crates in warehouses and shipping containers.
80-pound card dealer doesn't eat much
Our profits in Macau have skyrocketed so fast that we are even considering abandoning the US casino market. I know that sounds crazy, but fact is that the US middle class is rapidly disappearing. My company did a survey recently at a local Wal-Mart to determine the income of customers, and were shocked at what we found:
Annual income: $17,000
Annual income: $15,000 (ie disability checks & food stamps)
Annual income: $13,000
Annual income: $10,000
Annual income: $8,000
Combined annual income: $7,000
Of course, we've still got some elderly folks willing to gamble away their social security checks. But that market is going to dry up as social security goes bankrupt.
Living on borrowed time
Now you might ask what all this has to do with the Landoverbaptist Church? Well, that's what I was getting to. Now that the Chinks got all the money, lots of them are making trips abroad, and a fair number now visit the USA. We've tried to attract them to our Las Vegas casinos, but quite frankly they find the experience so inferior to what they can get in Macau that they aren't much interested. However, they are greatly amused at the freak show like you can see pictured above at Wal-Mart - we've had busloads of Chinks visit Wal-Mart and pay customers to pose for photos. Unfortunately, we're finding that this disrupts the shopping experience, with many customers avoiding our stores (except to dig through the dumpsters).
That's where the church comes in. I think we can bring in busloads of paying Chink tourists every Sunday if you can get the congregation to pose for photos. The money would go straight to the church's coffers. We'd also be willing to kick in some compensation for the worshippers - maybe some boxes of
Hostess Twinkies and
Ding-Dongs, whatever they like.
This sounds like a win-win to me!
By the way, I just want to put the kabosh on all those rumors that food additives in our products sold in Wal-Mart are in any way related to the obesity and apparent mental illnesses of the customers. There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that adding steroids, growth hormones, antibiotics, Round-up™ weed killer and Prozac to food has any negative effect on human health.