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Love Jesus Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 02-21-2014, 08:51 PM

Marriage. Jesus doesn't like it, yet it's the lesser evil when compared to fornication:

1 Corinthians 7:1-2
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.


Marriage, therefore, has two functions related to sex: avoiding fornication and having lots of children (Genesis 1:28); the second function is especially important for us feeble minded females, as it is the only way we can be Saved™:

1 Timothy 2:15 Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

One thing that the spouses need to remember, however, is that Jesus is with us at all time, especially when we are not alone:

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Assuming that both spouses are True Christians™, Jesus is with them at all times - obviously, during the sexual act as well.

I'll allow myself to quote a dead woman (who burns in Hell because she committed suicide, 1 Corinthians 3:17) on this subject:

Quote:
If he believe in God, let him pray to God at that moment, not only consecrating his body to God and praying for strength, but also asking God to be the third partner.
(Ida Craddock, Right Marital Living; note - children and even adult women should not click on that link, as this lecture is unsuitable for underdeveloped minds, and there are some passages which may give females some wrong ideas).


Therefore, the sexual act within a True Christian™ marriage is actually a threesome between a husband, a wife, and Jesus. If the reader wonders, what are the respective positions of each of the participating parties, we need to look no further than to the Matthew 18:20 passage quoted above - Jesus clearly says that He is in the middle of the couple. Technically, then, both spouses are actually having sex with rather than with each other. Therefore, True Christian™ women are actually "heavenly brides" (to use Miss Craddock's terminology again).

Disclaimer: I need to clarify that what I have written here is based purely on my Bible studies, and not on personal experience. I know that there have been some unsubstantiated rumors about my virtue, spread by the heathen who was my doctor at the time (I paid him for my Certificate of Virginity™ with two tickets for a cruise, and it seems that he spent a week or so stranded on the cruiser in the middle of the ocean). Since then, my new doctor, Dr. Niles, has checked my virginity deeply and thoroughly, and he issued me a new Certificate without hesitation.

I must admit, however, that I have some spiritual experience as a "heavenly bride." There was this one time, a late evening Bible study session. I had a little bit of a headache, and Mistress Cookie brought me some soothing herbal tea (you are such a darling, Sister!). I must have fallen asleep, and I had a vision of Jesus. (He had Pastor Zeke's face). I won't describe my vision in detail, but Jesus said to me: "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a woman; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a woman." He was clearly alluding to His own words, Matthew 15:11. I woke up the next morning with an interesting aftertaste in my mouth.

Oh, I love Jesus so much!... I cannot wait to have a True Christian™ husband, and to be with him and with Jesus again.

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